How often have we heard it: you have to get rid of your ego! Leave it at the door! But is that actually true? Or can you use ego as a tool to give substance to your inspiration and talents, or even unconditional love and universal consciousness?
If there were to be a God, why would humans have been born with or develop an ego even at a very early age? Even some babies in the cradle sometimes show more ego than others even though ego seem to be more absent than in adults. For example, about what they do or don't want. One of the functions of our ego is to set boundaries.
In a world where egos don't exist, the argument that you have to get rid of your ego would be useful. But we live on Earth with an ever-increasing ego density. Just look around you. A young university student recently told me during a coaching session that performing better than others and quickly building a strong curriculum are of the utmost importance, even if it comes at the expense of others or your health. Even in politics, one's own curriculum seems to have become more important than serving the common interest. Welcome to the world of ego.
To avoid being drowned in the ego games or the ego violence of others or ego systems, it's actually beneficial to develop a measured ego.
In some non-dualistic movements, however, you have to get rid of your ego. Bloody dangerous, I'd say. The founder of Voice Dialogue, Hal Stone, once told me during a training with him and his wife Sidra at their home in California: "Martin, you can go to any ashram in India you like, as long as you bring your inner protector with you. That way, you can go when it doesn't feel right anymore."
Moreover, over the past 35 years, I've observed a strong spiritual ego in several gurus from both the East and West of the world. For example, at a 10-day Silent Retreat abroad, where the gurus literally positioned themselves on a decorated King and Queen throne above the participants. This, despite the fact that there weren't that many participants. Equal? Spirit and universal consciousness don't know a hierarchy, do they?
When a band started playing outside the retreat location, the silence was somewhat disturbed. The teachers' fierce looks and charged remarks betrayed the presence of a powerful "judgmental force" who suddenly appeared like a devil out of a box. That didn’t look really judgment-free?
So pay attention, especially to those who think or say they've transcended their ego. It could very well be different.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of non-dualism, which gives a deeply connected sense of peace with yourself and truly everything around you. I've experienced it myself. But I also believe in multi-dimensionality here on Earth. We are all invited to learn to deal with the ego’s and egosystems around us that are simply present as well as our own ego as a part of our consious learning. And develop it in such a way that ideally universal consciousness (spirit), your soul, and a balanced ego can go hand in hand.
“We are all invited to learn to deal with the ego’s and egosystems around us that are simply present as well as our own ego as a part of our consious learning. And develop it in such a way that ideally universal consciousness (spirit), your soul, and a balanced ego can go hand in hand”
But what is ego, actually? What are the advantages of a balanced ego? How can it help you, but also hinder you?
Ego is the "I" with which you distinguish yourself from others, but sometimes also separate yourself with. It's the "I" with which you identify, as if "this is how I am." You identify with certain forms within and outside yourself. Such as your name, your nationality, your origins, your profession, your personal qualities, etc. Wherever you put the word "mine," it reveals itself. My country, my house, my characteristics, etc. Nothing wrong with that in itself, until you have become too attached to these identifications and do not want to let them go.
What are some benefits of ego?
Protection:
Some things that come your way are unsafe or can unnecessarily hurt your soul. Whether material, physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. Setting boundaries, creating distance, or leaving helps you avoid remaining a victim of unpleasant invasions or bad situations.
Visibility:
Too little ego can lead to you not seeing yourself as worthwhile enough or not showing the talents you have to offer. How can you be seen if you don't show yourself? Your individuality, soul color and original talents come to light when you develop a balanced ego.
“How can you be seen if you don't show yourself?”
Strategic insight and action:
In the absence of the inner strategist in your ego, you easily become a victim of the ego games of others. Not everyone is aware about the consequences of their actions or their behaviors for you, or dont have good intentions for you or want to use you for their own gain. If you realize this, you won't let yourself be drained by the needs of others. So it's important to be sufficiently aware of this and develop a sufficient ego for it.
There are even more benefits to an aware and well-managed ego, such as maintaining a balance between work and personal life, balancing effort and relaxation, and being gentler with yourself and others. Because everything you're allergic to is also within you, just in different forms.
The ego hinders you when it overshoots and you are unconsciously controlled by a lack of self-reflection, ignorance, fear of shortage, greed, status, material possessions, self-interest, and power. In the book "Spirited Personal Leadership," you will find eight roles you can become entangled in when the ego takes over:
Before you know it, you are unknowingly driven by these roles because they temporarily fuel your self-worth. This is usually due to a hidden fear of not being seen or appreciated enough, of having too little, or of not receiving approval or acceptance from others.
If these roles primarily drive you, you become disconnected from the universal consciousness or spirit that can give you the following: internal and external peace, true connection from the heart, contentment, joy, vitality, and optimal talent development.
How do you ensure your ego doesn't grow too large or too little? In a way that it does not it hinder you, but helps you?
Underlying your behavior, your ego is often controlled by your personality, or "personas," as Swiss psychologist Carl Jung called them. These are also translated as social masks.
You can think of your ego as a personal bus that is—usually unconsciously—driven by your own ego passengers. Depending on who's behind the wheel, you think differently, look differently, feel differently, behave differently, and choose differently.
This theory comes from the founders of the "Psychology of Selves & Voice Dialogue," Hal & Sidra Stone, in whom I was trained by in the USA. They indicate that getting to know your primary selves, which often determine your behavior, will throw you off balance if you don't get to know, invite, and manage the secondary passengers in the back of your ego bus or trailer.
Hal & Sidra Stone & Martin
If you primarily live from your pleaser, perfectionist, and pusher side, you're ripe for burnout because you've neglected your more relaxed self for too long. Invite your secondary ego passenger to 10% of your time, dare to step outside your primary comfort zone, and you'll already have more balance.
If, as a leader, you lead primarily from your inner patriarch, you elevate yourself and infantilize the potential below you. However, if you're open to criticism and act on it, share it equally with your people, and empower them, team spirit can flourish. Even if it's only 10% more.
"Don't deny your own ego, get to know it, and learn to manage it."
In short, balance and moderation are the key words for which a continuous necessary self-reflection is required: Don't deny your own ego, get to know it, and learn to manage it. In this way, your ego, alongside your body, becomes a functional instrument for shaping your inspiration, your individuality, and your original talents. It also serves as a vehicle for functionally embodying commonality and "true" connection. Then your ego brings you a great deal.
Experience the Voice Dialogue method in training or coaching and ask for a free online-intake here. Or take a look at the book: Spirited Personal Leadership. Scroll down a bit to the orange input field and download a FREE promotional copy of the book.
I wish you a wonderful development where your ego serves your soul and spirit.
Martin
#persoonlijkinspirerendleiderschap #persoonlijkleiderschap #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #personalleadership #leiderschap #spiritueelleiderschap #spiritedleadership #spiritedpersonalleadership #executivecoaching #leiderschap #leiderschapsontwikkeling #teamcoaching #collectiefleiderschap #professionalcoaching #coaching #businesscoaching#psychologyofselves #voicedialogue #efo #awareego #egozielspirit #egosoulspirit #awarenessatwork #martinthoolen
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
Truly listening to one other has become a rare commodity. Yet, 'deep listening' is a crucial key to moving beyond polarization towards harmony. Did you know that there are multiple levels of listening that can help you? But what are they, and what does each level give you and others? As an individual or in a team at work, but also in life together as people and nations? The benefits are enormous. Just take a look.
Listening to yourself is essential. But not if it comes at the expense of effectively listening to others. When that happens you don't build bridges of connection and true harmony. And it is precisely the latter that often proves to be neglected in practice, due to listening too much or only to yourself. That is why the focus of this article is on listening to others.
Deep listening means being able and willing to listen effectively to others at the following four levels: luisteren naar de ander:
© 2022: Model for Spirited Personal Leadership from the book of the same name (author: Martin Thoolen)
At every level of listening, there are pitfalls that you can unknowingly fall into, but also solutions to overcome them. This paves the way to achieving harmony with each other. Before I explain this, I'll first show you what deep listening gives you and what it requires of you.
Do you know that feeling when you don't feel heard or seen by someone? Whether it's your boss, colleague, or partner. Pretty annoying, right? Then you also know how important it is for someone else to truly listen to you.
If you expect that from someone else, why wouldn't you do the same for them? Because if you just wait for your turn to be heard and then you don’t listen to what the other has to say, you perpetuate polarization and the divide between you and the other person.
So, if you do truly listen to others, you come closer together. Mutual understanding is then more likely to arise. Then there will be no more heavy hearts, but relief and relaxation and (renewed) trust and harmony can arise. At every level: with your family, relatives, or neighbors. With your employees, stakeholders, and managers. With each other as people.
But that doesn't happen automatically. It demands something from you, but it also yields a great deal.
If you don't do this, you're more likely to perpetuate attitudes or to reinforce polarization with others. It's just like driving a car. Someone starts tailgating. They've started, but what do you actually do now? Slow down; brake; stay in front of the tailgater longer than necessary; give the middle finger; roll down the window and yell; run them off the road?
You are 100% responsible for absolutely all your own thoughts and behavior, regardless of what anyone else does.
“You are 100% responsible for absolutely all your own thoughts and behavior, regardless of what anyone else does.”
If you are ready and willing to do what is asked of you, the heavens can open for you
As mentioned, there are four levels of listening, from superficial to deep, each with its own pitfalls and solutions.
Listening starts with being silent and listening to the other person. And that can sometimes be quite difficult when you are emotional, feeling hurt, or wanting to get your point across. What helps with this is to be aware of the amount of time you are speaking during the conversation with someone. How much space do you actually give the other person? How often do you pause? How often do you invite the other person instead of telling your own story
Also pay attention to "coat-hanger" behavior. This is when you listen to someone and they say something you recognize, something you're touched by, or something you wanted to say yourself. Before you know it, you're attaching your own story to the other person's story, to their coat-hanger. And listening is gone, and you leave the other person out in the cold.
A slightly deeper level of listening arises when you show the other person that you're understanding them, also called "active listening." A basic communication skill for which I gave dozens of training sessions in the first years of my career. Nonverbally, you remain silent and give the other person space, nodding or humming positively, encouraging them to continue talking. And your posture expresses engagement with the other person. Verbally, you ask open-ended questions, probe to learn more about the other person's motivations, and provide periodical questioning summaries of what you thought you understood them to be saying. This makes the other person feel heard more quickly.
It's essential to carefully observe the other person's nonverbal signals and ask further questions, as these often reveal their true feelings. If someone frowns and says, "Fine," ask why. If someone angrily says, "Okay then," comment, "You sound a bit angry. Do you really want to do that?" This will help you get to the heart of the matter.
Research shows that 7% of verbal communication is determined by words, 35% by tone, and 55% by all remaining nonverbal cues. So avoid emails and apps where these signals can easily slip by, but pick up the phone or visit each other to achieve harmony.
"Avoid emails and apps, but pick up the phone or visit each other to achieve harmony."
Active listening only truly brings harmony when it's delivered authentically and with genuine interest. A pitfall here is that your listening may be biased and you don't truly respect the other person's words. You might also listen in a socially acceptable way or use polite and superficial terms when you don't actually want to hear the other person.
Open listening is sabotaged when your ego unknowingly takes over. It is the "I" with which you identify.
For example, if you strongly identify with a religion and elevate yours as better or more beneficial than another, you exclude the other. For example, I was recently surprised by a friend of mine who, as a Christian, completely dismissed all the deaths and atrocities in Gaza by the Israeli regime as media lies. The Good Samaritan was momentarily lost. Open listening was also momentarily lost.
A major challenge also arises when dealing with cultural differences. Over-identification with your own cultural characteristics and behaviors often throws a wrench in the works and can cost business relationships millions. Professor Fons Trompenaars explains this in detail and scientifically in his research and books. Transcending these dilemmas is achieved, among other things, by integrating that other culture into your own! Become partly Chinese when in contact with Chinese people. And these bridges connect you with others.
When your own ego is compromised, ego filters arise that block deep listening and harmony. For example, when someone else's words don't suit you, when you disagree with something, or when it doesn't seem to add value. Truly listening then goes against your own self-interest, which in turn governs your thinking.
"Truly listening goes against my own self-interest."
According to the founders of "The Psychology of Selves & Voice Dialogue" (Hal & Sidra Stone), whom I trained with in the USA, you can also view your own ego as an interplay of subpersonalities. In other words, like a bus that is (usually unconsciously) driven by your own ego passengers. If certain ego passengers strongly take over, you can use your existing skills all you want, but it won't work.
If your inner pusher takes the wheel, a tsunami of words can arise, taking up the other person's space. When your "instinctive side," as your ego passenger unconsciously takes over you will express yourself either verbally and passively, or actively and aggressively. You make comments like, "You should throw that into the toilet." When your "inner judge" is in charge, you form negative judgments about what the other person says or what you think they've said, and your listening becomes biased. As I recently experienced with someone who told me I'd made a very stupid choice. And his open listening was gone. When your "inner patriarch" drives you, you openly or secretly place yourself above the other person. As a listener, you internally dismiss the other person's words as less true or important than your own thoughts and words. Functionally "wisdom" then becomes stubbornness, and this crippling insistence creates distance.
In all these cases, there's often a false self-image. Beneath the surface, the other conversation partner, who can be listened to at those moments, often doesn't sense genuine willingness on your part. This also results in others no longer giving you genuine and honest feedback (even if you've politely asked for it). They think it's pointless anyway, and you're seen as too stubborn and not truly open.
As a listener, you often don't see the influence of your own ego because it plays out beneath the surface. Let alone admit it has an influence at all. So you've already taken a giant step toward true harmony if you recognize and, above all, acknowledge this influence within yourself. Are you willing to accept your own ego being hurt? If you have the courage to openly acknowledge this, you build a bridge of genuine connection with the other person.
What you can then do is self-regulate by inviting the opposite ego within you to sit at the table with the other person. A lot can often change when you stop letting your "pusher, instinctive, judger, and patriarch" speak for a good percentage of the time, and instead invite the other ego passengers on your ego bus into the conversation and your listening style. Think of your "inner pleaser," who genuinely listens to others and can truly empathize. Or your "being" side, which can quietly allow the other person to be fully present. Further development through the method of "Voice Dialogue" can systematically yield miracles of connection with others.
If we want to listen even deeper, we arrive at our soul. The "real, true self" within us. This is where we connect deeply, openly, powerfully, and vulnerably with others. We can meet another’s soul and give space to their right to exist, rather than focusing primarily on ourselves. When this happens, we truly allow what the other person says to sink in and can be genuinely moved ourselves; we listen intently. The other person feels safe to share their entire being with us. They feel truly heard and it is a balm for the soul.
A pitfall is being deeply affected by what the other person says or does, or has done or said. Especially if what you hear is unpleasant. From your own wounded soul, you then lash out, or shut down and put on a socially acceptable show. As a result, you keep thinking about the disappointment the other person seems to have caused you, and it continues to resonate within you. True connection and trust are then absent, because you haven't yet healed your own soul pain (of not being heard or seen yourself).
A second pitfall I sometimes fall into myself is that of the over-inspired soul: too passionate, too enthusiastic, too full of energy. You can become so absorbed in the soulful contact that you miss the other person's signals. For example, during an "Inner Nature" retreat in the Ardennes that I led, I was so engrossed in my story that I forgot I was going on too long and didn't notice people yawning. I had stopped listening to my participants.
When inspiration merges with ego-identifications, it can take destructive forms. You can lose yourself in your own fierceness, righteousness, or belief. Then you really are no longer open to listening to the other. The rigid blinders you wear narrow your view of them. You don't even really want to hear or face the other person's facts. You downplay or easily dismiss advice and sincere feedback from others. You then 'think' at those moments that 'other people' too readily follow advice from others and supposedly betray their own soul and authority, but surely you don't. From this illusion, you rush ahead with your own unshakeable faith, supposed inner strength, and 'false' authority, which destroys more relationships than many of us would care to see.
How can you optimally use your soul to listen more deeply to others? If you are aware of the pitfalls mentioned, you have won half the battle. Dare to admit that you have temporarily let yourself go too much and then, or later, give space to the other person. Ask the other person what truly moves them, truly motivates them, and what they actually think about something.
The soul often speaks more readily when you use the following words: loved, genuine, pure, essential, truly, really, original, natural. Ask about the deeper longing that lies dormant within someone, the emotional pain they've been carrying for a while, or the original talents and dreams they long to pursue, and you'll have a conversation where heart and soul are fully expressed.
There is an even deeper and more expansive dimension from which you can listen to others. That is the universal consciousness and the creative source from which everything originates and flows, which you could also call "spirit." Sounds vague, doesn't it? Until you realize that listening from this dimension is characterized by several very concrete qualities. Let me mention a few that you can put to work immediately.
Listening from spirit transcends listening from an unconscious ego and a wounded soul. At this level, you are aware of the impact of your own hurt, pain, and ego that drive your behavior as a listener. You are then freer not to project your own unresolved issues onto the other person. You don't react out of frustration just because your own expectations haven't been met by the speaker. You simply observe and see the consequences, without any judgment of the other person or yourself.
The speaker opposite you energetically senses that you are "clean inside," allowing the heavens to open up in the contact.
When you, as a listener, listen to the other person from spirit, there are no hidden agendas or secrets. There is no fear, shame, or guilt about losing anything in the connection with the other. There is complete transparency in the exchange of words and energy with the other. You listen from a childlike innocence that creates space and trust to face and express all aspects of light and shadow. Like confession in church, where—if all goes well—the listener listens like that. And then the speaker walks out the door with a palpable sense of relief when everything that was troubling them has been discussed. As if a dark cloud has lifted and the sun has started to shine within.
You achieve this clarity and impact as a listener when you thoroughly understand and are open to your own light and shadow aspects.
Spirit excludes nothing, because everything originates from there and returns to it. Only ego creates exclusion. From this position, the listener feels the freedom to be completely themselves, which brings much more essential information to the table.
"Only ego creates exclusion"
Spirit knows no overt or covert hierarchy. It doesn't know a pyramid structure like an ego-matrix with people at the top. No, it puts an end to that irrevocably. As a listener, you don't take over the conversation to share your own so-called important knowledge. As a listener, you place yourself at the service of the other person's story. Regardless of experience, background, education level, or anything else, as a listener, you look solely at 'the person' sitting across from you. This sincere attitude opens doors in contact with the other person.
"Spirit knows no hierarchy"
At this level, there is no judgment of others in your thoughts or (verbal) behavior. There is no emotional charge of fierceness, cynicism, or anything else. You listen with "Spock ears", occasionally interjecting the word "fascinating." From an inquisitive mind that wants to know and learn more, you ask further questions out of curiosity. Not only is your sincere interest as a listener appreciated by the speaker, it also demonstrates that you genuinely want to understand their underlying motivations, to truly understand the other person, which often leads to greater harmony.
Even if you, as a listener, disagree with the other person, you remain genuinely friendly (not in a socially acceptable way, but connected to your heart, sincerely). As Barack Obama demonstrated when he received a fierce reaction from the audience behind him. Instead of continuing his speech, he turned around. Not to respond with a fierce reaction, as you sometimes see, but he said: "You are passionate and are concerned that my plans might harm you." As a listener, he built a bridge instead of a wall with the other person.
"Spirit knows no walls"
Spirit primarily listens to the energy from which something can be heard, not so much the temporary form in which it resides. That's why you can listen to people, but what about birds? Imagine there were no birds at all on this earth. Just imagine it for a minute. There's so much more to listen to. Many indigenous people I've visited on my travels therefore talk about listening to the heart of Mother Earth and her rhythm. Through drumming ceremonies, they often experience a deep connection. From this comes a deep respect for the Earth, which, as its temporary host, makes life here possible for you. Something many of us have simply forgotten.
Spirit also reveals itself in your listening when intuition is given space. As I experienced during a recent coaching session where a Senior Researcher at a Ministry expressed his desire to ultimately work with animals. Before this even came up, I shared that I kept getting images of cats and other animals from her. She was completely "on." Immediately afterward, I conducted a voice dialogue session where we spoke to the part of her that was the animal lover. She was standing by the balcony with an open door, and literally at that moment, a pigeon flew in and sat at her feet, 2 feet away, for three minutes. What a cosmic wink. After all, from a spiritual perspective, everything is connected to everything else, it’s just that we don't always see it.
You've seen that there are four dimensions of deep listening, each with their own pitfalls and solutions. If you are truly willing to focus solely and continuously on yourself as a listener and really listen to others, harmony will be at your doorstep.
However, listening requires the other person to be present. Due to excessive ego or a wounded soul, the other person may not (yet) be ready to engage in dialogue with you. Let things flow, always keep the door ajar, and invite even if your outstretched hand isn't always accepted. Everyone has their own pace of development. Then focus on others who have the courage to do so, and thus create harmony with those who are willing and able. The world around you will become much more beautiful.
"The deeper you listen, the more beautiful it becomes."
Try "deep listening" more often. Don't do it as a one-time act, but see it as a process where you can grow at an increasingly deeper level and truly connect with each other.
Above all, I wish you much joy in this journey of discovery and the beauty that can come to you as a listener.
#diepluisteren #actiefluisteren #psychologyofselves #voicedialogue #persoonlijkinspirerendleiderschap #persoonlijkleiderschap #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #leiderschap #spiritueelleiderschap #spiritedleadership #executivecoaching #leiderschap #leiderschapsontwikkeling #teamcoaching #collectiefleiderschap #professionalcoaching #coaching #businesscoaching #martinthoolen #awarenessatwork
I hope you had a nice break from work. You’ve refueled. Wonderful… And now?
Before you know it, you've forgotten all about your vacation. Right?
Your calendar and inbox are overflowing, deadlines are looming, and before you know it, you're back in the thick of it.
Would you like to avoid the trap of excessive workload this time and continue working with enjoyment and positive energy?
Coming from a background of 35 years’ experience in training and coaching, including in the areas of workload, sustainable employability, and reintegration, I'd like to share my best tips with you.
Back to work: from relaxed to overloaded?
And boom! You're feeling worn out again after just three weeks. So you wonder:
Where has my energy gone? How can I keep that candle burning?
Everything is energy. You are energy, too. Your body is just a temporary energy container. The more energy you expend, the more you will need to replenish it. Just like a car. It can't run without fuel, and without regular maintenance it’ll rust stuck.
"Everything is energy"
So you simply must refuel every now and then. You usually do that on vacation. By not thinking, but simply being. Your energy is completely replenished without you even realizing it.
Back at work, all that often fades into the background. Work is like running a marathon and vacations are the finish line. Exhausted, you go on another vacation to recover, only to do the same thing all over again. And sometimes you work until you are ready to collapse. And your "thinking cap” is always on. Like how you worry about your work in the evenings.
You can maintain a healthy work-life balance on three levels:
From © 2022: Spirited Personal Leadership (Martin Thoolen): Spirited Personal Leadership Model TM
You'll find relief if you work more effectively and efficiently by managing time and stress. Try the following tips:
TIP 1: SET THE RIGHT PRIORITIES
Before you do something you feel obliged ask yourself the following four questions and maybe try to do things differently for a change:
1. Why does this need to be done?
2. Why me?
3. Why now?
4. Why like this?
TIP 2: PLAN BREAKTIME AND TAKE REGULAR BREAKS
Incorporate at least 20% of free time into your schedule. Spontaneous events and regular breaks ensure your schedule doesn't blow up. Make sure you take a short break every 1.5 hours and actually step away from your workstation. This distance often provides more breathing room and relaxation. You'll recharge without even realizing it.
TIP 3: DELEGATE
Ask someone else to take over a task. Don't be afraid to challenge someone if the work is becoming too much for you.
TIP 4: LISTEN AND ACT IN ACCORDANCE WITH YOUR BODY
Your body is a brilliant stress scanner. It accurately tells you whether you're heading towards stress or burnout: chronic fatigue, worrying, poor sleep, physical complaints and much more. The question isn't so much whether your body registers it, but rather whether you recognize your body's signals. Once you do, dare to set healthy boundaries for what your body demands of you.
"Your body is a brilliant stress scanner"
TIP 5: EXERCISE
Give yourself a healthy kick in the butt. Research shows that exercise reduces the negative effects of stress and contributes to a positive mood and better mental health. A half-hour walk every day or doing yoga or going to the gym—it all helps.
One way to look at your ego is to imagine you're a bus with various ego passengers, some of whom may decide to take the wheel, unbeknownst to you. When pleaser the pleaser takes over, you will try to do everything you can to meet someone else’s needs. When the pusher When the pusher is driving, feel compelled doing everything you you’re doing without allowing yourself a break. The perfectionist generates top quality work and beauty in form, but can also waste a lot of extra time, which can leave you in a crunch.
These three ego powerhouses (pleaser, pusher, and perfectionist) are favorites with employers because what they do for them is significant and valuable, in return for reward and appreciation. There's nothing wrong with that, but these three Ps are also the biggest causes of exhaustion.
TIP 6: DOSE YOUR INNER PLEASER, PUSHER, AND PERFECTIONIST
Dose the three ego passengers by allowing their opposites at the wheel.
1. Dare to set healthy boundaries and, therefore, be seen as unfriendly.
2. Take more time to relax during the day to recharge.
3. Let go of your perfectionism and, if necessary, ask someone else to monitor the quality of your work.
The foundation of your vital energy is your inspiration. Because when you do what inspires you, you are connected to a much larger source of inexhaustible energy: consciousness or spirit. Sometimes you can tweak the external aspects (with your behavior, time, and stress management), but a structural energy leak remains. The nagging feeling of not being completely comfortable in your work continues.
Sometimes you work on fertile ground for a while, sometimes on arid, or even toxic soil. When arid, you lack challenge and inspiration. When toxic, work gets under your skin, and it keeps you occupied at night more than you'd like. It’s important to be aware of this, because any systems and relationships that don't allow space for the existence and the unique expression of the soul, imprison your soul and can make your body seriously ill.
“All systems and relationships that do not give space to the existence and the unique expression of the soul, imprison the soul and can make your body seriously ill”.
Therefore, it is sensible to occasionally examine and recalibrate your own career and your current performance.
TIP 7: RE-CALIBRATE YOUR INSPIRED CAREER
Ask yourself the following questions and answer sincerely from your heart and soul:
1. Am I currently doing what I want to and can do?
2. Am I my best self here?
3. Am I happy with my work?
4. Do I get energy from my work?
5. What do my dreams tell me? [insert link] (New tips for this in the blog: https://martinthoolen.com/en/nieuwe-loopbaanstap-gebruik-je-dromen/)
6. What would I do differently if my spirit had more breathing room?
When your soul is speaking, you often recognize it by the following words that may pop into your mind: actually, preferably, really, truly, essentially. Sneak up on what's wérkelijk truly going on inside you and dare to make new, well-considered choices. Because sometimes it's cowardly to leave, but sometimes it's cowardly to stay (Peter Delahay).
"Because sometimes it's cowardly to leave, but sometimes it's cowardly to stay."
(Peter Delahay)
What can you do to continue working with vitality after your vacation?
Don't wait until the next vacation to recharge.
Build in recharge moments, every week and every day, so you can continue working with pleasure, energy, and focus.
Want to know more about what you can do? Check out coaching for burnout and sustainable employability here: https://martinthoolen.com/en/service/coaching-vitaliteit-duurzame-inzetbaarheid/
I wish you an energetic and positive remainder of your working year.
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
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Dreams appear to be a particularly valuable source of information for your career development; in some cases, they may even be the best compass. This is evident from the 35 years that I have been working on this subject matter with thousands of clients. Would you like to know how that works and how you can apply it for yourself? Check out this article and be surprised by the intelligence of your own hidden ‘psyche’, or that of your clients.
Who hasn’t had some of the feelings described below at some point in their career:
You no longer see any challenges and your work is just a routine. You simply don’t know which direction you want your career to take. You have lost your job or are in danger of losing it. You are fed up with your manager and he isn’t going anywhere any time soon. You have come into conflict with your manager or supervisory board. You just want something completely different, something that you can excel at. You are in a toxic work environment.. In short, your compass is (temporarily) off kilter and you’re really just wandering around aimlessly.
How do you find a new direction in your career?
To figure out what a good next step is for you, you want to find something that really suits you. It turns out that you structurally have the most fun and come into your own in your job if, that what you feel compelled do:
To see what you can do, you can take a broad look at three aspects: the current knowledge that is required for your position, and the required task-oriented, and behavioral, competencies. In order to find the most ‘suitable’ job, you need enough chutzpah, courage and self-confidence to take your career step. Or maybe not yet: You may have to develop something ‘extra’ or learn how to deal with your obstacles more effectively.
To get a good idea of what you can do, can do, there are various adequate assessment tools, such as required diplomas, questionnaires (which map out aspects of your personality, for example), selection interviews; assessment exercises, such as role-playing exercises or answering practical cases, etc.
“But does what you are good at and dare to do really suit you?”
This may be one of the biggest pitfalls that is sometimes glossed over in career paths. Suppose you are going to do something new, something that you are good at and have had good experiences with in the past. Your résumé bears witness to this. Before you know it, you are again doing more of the same and something remains unfulfilled in you that will eventually rear its head again. You just ran over another essential voice of yourself: your soul.
In order to see what you are naturally good at and what you are longing for, we have to dig a lot deeper than our ego (and personality) qualities tell you, to look at what really inspires you. One of the ways to gain insight into what inspires you is through your dreams. Why?
In essence, everything is connected to everything (on a spirit level), as you can read in my book ‘Spirited Personal Leadership’. Disembodied souls are connected to embodied souls; humans to animals, plants and earth; ebb to flow; exertion to relaxation; and daytime to nightlife. Our psyche is so intelligent that it provides keys in symbolic language in dreams, that open new doors in your career. They are a gateway to your subconscious which can help you.
“Our psyche is so intelligent that it provides keys in symbolic language in dreams, that open new doors in your career.”
However, you may not always want to take the time to tap into the richness of your dreams if you cannot immediately give them a place.
Carl Gustav Jung did groundbreaking work in the field of dreams and their meaning. You can have all kinds of dreams, some of which have more meaning to you than others. In many ancient cultures, dreams have been viewed as valuable information carriers for centuries, while modern western societies have largely cut themselves off from this. For example, there are ‘daily processing dreams’, in which you see yourself in situations that are related to what you were doing during the day.
You could have anxiety dreams/nightmares, in which you may experience threats, such as being chased or falling into a hole, or the surfacing of old, unresolved issues.
There are also wishful dreams, which give form to what you would like to experience in your life or work.There are ‘predictive dreams’, where you may recognize elements from your dream later on in everyday reality.
Then there are ‘repetitive dreams’, which return periodically, and ‘big dreams’ that mark or announce a turning point, in your life or work, at a fundamental level. Below you can read an example of this type of dream. And some people experience their dream as a gateway to another dimension, or suddenly feel a connection with a ‘deceased’ loved one. Combinations of different types of dreams are also possible.
In short, not all dreams will give you information related to your career. Chances are, however, that when you have been thinking about career development for a while, meaningful dreams will present themselves.
Let's look at three examples of how dreams can help you in concrete ways.
James is a manager at a large company. He does his job well, works hard and has a heart for the business. He just finds it difficult to delegate things to
his employees. In addition, he takes little time for himself and his family and the home front regularly confront him about this. He often sleeps only five hours a night, has been very tired for a long time and suffers from Repetitive Stress Injury. Yet he wants to take another step up in his career, despite all the signals.
James' goal in one of my 'Self-management/Personal Leadership' training courses was: to create more balance between work and private life. He tells us about a repetitive dream that he has had for eleven years and that comes back about every three months. And now it has happened again, during the workshop. In the dream he is in an airplane high in the air.
He is behind the controls himself. One of the engines of the airplane is on fire. The fuel is leaking and it is getting hotter and hotter in the plane. He tries with all his might to still fly it properly. He wakes up bathing in a pool of sweat.
He talked about the dream with sweat on his forehead and I asked him what had happened eleven years ago in his life when these dreams started. So what did it turn out to be?
Eleven years ago, he had taken on a demanding job and in fact his workload had always remained (too) high in the years that followed. His ‘pusher’ had been putting in lots of overtime, for years. As a high flyer with only one engine working he could easily crash and he had now entered that danger zone. His fuel (energy) was running out not just in his dream, but also in reality. Especially when he retold the dream from the perspective of the plane, which was actually a part of him. He had been flying too high in his job for years, which caused him a lot of stress.
This realization, which felt like a deeper truth, hit him so hard that he decided that things could no longer go on like this. He then invited his relaxed side to be a part of his work and life. Weeks later I saw him and he told me he had chosen a different position that came with less pressure. He was beaming again, as usual.
Chantal is a young, talented and ambitious woman who is quickly making great strides as a government trainee within a ministry. However, she notices that she is drained by the toxic work environment in which she finds herself: many colleagues are complaining among themselves in the office gardens; her boss, who mainly thinks of her own skin, keeps changing directions; and, projects that she has worked hard on are simply swept off the table for political reasons. Because she felt that she was in danger of having a burn-out at a young age, she came to me for coaching.
Mark, a colleague, had already said goodbye and left earlier. She noticed that she was somewhat jealous of that and that it partly mirrored her own desire. And then she dreamed.
She stood nexttoto her colleague Mark, looking out of the 11th floor window of her office building. All they could see was a very large ocean. When she zoomed in, she saw three whales swimming along, swaying so gracefully in the waves and yet following their own course in the flow. For a moment she thought: ‘I wish I could be like that’.
At the protest site in front of her office building (where protests against policy commonly take place) there appeared to be a production machine of some kind, which captured the three whales and proceeded to grind them up.
When she retold the dream from the perspective of the whales, she became very sad. She realized more strongly now than ever before that her soul just couldn’t flow as long as she was in her current position and work environment. This was an important push and it gave her energy to look for something new where she can ‘swim’ in a focused way.
John has been walking around at loose ends at work for a while now. He has been unhappy for over two years: too much work pressure, too few challenges and too little growth, plus a demotivating manager. He has received a wonderful and unique offer from a friend to come work elsewhere. Except that means thirty minutes more travel, the idea of which he rather dislikes. However, at the very moment when he deciding to choose certainty and travel convenience, he is scolded once again by his manager. He keeps doubting himself, until one day he wants to enter his office but his door is locked, something that has never happened before in all those years. To make matters worse, the notepad he brought with him falls from his hands onto the floor by the door. A page falls out with the word ‘end’ written at the bottom. How much clearer of a wink can you get from the cosmos!
The next day John is busy working as usual. He is actually planning to skip his lunch break to be able to finish all his work for the day. But something inside him tells him that he has to go out for a while. On his lunch break, without even thinking about it, he automatically walks into his favorite bookstore which is located next door to his office. His eyes, also automatically, go to a book that is directly in front of him, entitled ‘Zonder einde’ (Without End), by a gentleman named Hans Korteweg. Now he has an epiphany as the thought immediately flashes through his mind: is my current job without end?
That same evening he muses about everything that has happened and he lets his feelings simmer. Should he really quit his job now? Suddenly he realizes
that he has lost a lot of himself in his current job, but he has been trivializing that fact until now. New, interesting challenges that were promised to him have been taken away in the past two years. He has been increasingly constrained to tasks that his heart really wasn’t into. On top of that, there was the structural snarling of his boss and the increased workload.
The next morning he wakes up in a sweat from a dream in which he was chained inside a prison, with his boss as the guard. In his cell he did the usual every day occupational therapy: sorting screws and craft supplies.
He realizes that this image reflected exactly how he has felt at work for the past year: as a slave to his boss. He shares all his findings
and feelings with his partner, who asks him what he really wants, right now, ‘deep down’, which suddenly makes him burst with sadness. He decides now he’s really going to quit his job and take the new one. A yoke of burden falls from his shoulders. After six months in his new job, he goes to work whistling again like In the old days.
All three dreams were turning points for my clients to take a new career step that basically gave them more pleasure, energy, balance and effectiveness.
If you want to see for yourself what a dream is trying to tell you, do your best to remember it and investigate it further. Here are some practical tips:
(This exercise is from the book 'Spirited Personal Leadership - M. Thoolen).
Go tohttps://martinthoolen.com/en/service/loopbaancoaching/
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Whether you are a government leader or a spiritual leader, a political or organizational leader, a CEO or CFO of a company, a manager in a company or government agency, or a parent, your actions have a direct impact on the people you lead. And the greater the ‘span of control’, the greater your impact and responsibility.
But how do you make a better world? What hidden forces are at play in the background in you and in other leaders, who do or do not contribute to this? Below you will find a number of answers.
One way of looking at improving the world is to only make it better for ‘my children’, ‘my club’, ‘my organization’, ‘my party members’, ‘my people’. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, except when it’s at the expense of others, because then you yourself are contributing to exclusion. The danger lies in favoring one group at the expense of others. In actuality, ‘better’ is a very simple concept, namely: better for everyone!
But what then is keeping us from making it better for everyone? Too much ego, along with unprocessed soul pain, make it so our history of wars repeats itself, both on an individual and collective level.
“ Too much ego along with unprocessed soul pain make it so our history of wars repeats itself, both on an individual and collective level.”
How does too much ego manifest itself in leadership, for example? Like a client of mine who recently told me that she was literally thrown out on the street by her mother when she was younger, simply because she had not put a vase with flowers back in the right place. Whereas, when her ‘better’ sister did the same, she got forgiveness and went scot free. As a leader, the mother placed one child above the other.
Another example is from a bank manager who said during an intake interview: ‘During a workshop with colleagues in Spain I was the only one in the group that the Eagle flew to under supervision. To no one else, only to me. Apparently I had something special that the others did not have’. A perfect example of a masked spiritual ego. He used his spiritual experience to elevate himself above others. Just like some leaders who openly or secretly call themselves God’s chosen one.
Too much individual ego manifests itself directly when you simply want more for yourself or your ‘own’ people at the expense of others. And some ego systems feed this behavior.
And what about strengthening your own ego status and creating false prestige by, for example, wanting to be the greatest in the world. Although history has shown that this position is only temporary, many sitting government and religious leaders are seduced by their ego to want to be and remain the richest or most powerful. Or, to build the tallest building, as if they want to show who has the longest you-know-what.
That which plays out individually with you and all others as leaders, also plays out on a collective level. Because what is the most individual, is at the same time the most universal, and vice versa.
“The most individual, is the most universal, and vice versa”
Below you see a few examples of secret beliefs that can also manifest collectively as too much ego.
Individually too much ego & Collectively too much ego
Just think for example of putting ‘my own football team’ above all others. If you attach a lot of importance to that, it can lead to war in and outside the stadium.
And how wonderful would it be if leaders of countries would step out of their collective ego-identification and go from: ‘Make America Great Again’, to: ‘Make the World Great Again’.
But what else do some leaders encourage to increase inequality? How about making the rich richer, and making the poor, who suffer from famines and the likes, poorer, for example. “I’m providing my people with vaccination against Covid first.” “My own people at the expense of others.” Even if that appears to necessitate expansion of your own power through constitutional amendments, or illegally expanding your territory and engaging in ‘land grabs’. Just look at what is currently happening with Russia and Ukraine, the USA and Greenland, China and Taiwan, or Israel and Palestine. Leaders who completely ignore other peoples’ right to exist and their sovereignty. An over-the-top ego.
It turned out that my client's mother had suffered rejection in the past from her own mother, who frequently called her names while sparing her brother. This exclusion cut through her soul and for her it was normal that distinctions had to be made. So she unconsciously passed this on to her own daughters like a relay baton. If this mother had really done her inner work to effectively process this soul pain, then that would starve the emotional need to pass this on, as a leader, to her own daughters. Many leaders with runaway egos have often suffered soul wounds in their lives that have remained unprocessed. And, unfortunately, quite a few current government leaders are allowing themselves to be influenced too strongly by painful wounds from nations’ history shared with other peoples.
We can also speak of collective soul pain, such as the soul pain of an organization, or the soul pain of a people that has suffered wounds over time. Because in every soul there is
historical baggage that is deeply anchored in the heart. Both joyful and traumatic events. And before you know it new soul pain merges with old soul pain and brings back unforgivable memories in milliseconds. This also happens in nations and peoples.
Like the Hamas attack on Israel. The right to exist as an Israeli people was deeply stirred. And before you know it, as the leader of their people, they take revenge on what is happening to them. This happens with an emotional charge and ferocity with which they also become guilty themselves of perpetrating war crimes, causing countless Palestinian victims. In essence, They are then doing the same thing to others that has happened to them when they were the victims in the past. Unprocessed collective soul pain then leads to destructive behavior that they decide on as the leader of their people. And so, as a leader, they maintain the ego-perpetrator-victim cycle. In doing so, they do not solve the collective trauma of the people, but rather strengthen it. In essence, they then build up a collective karma as a people or nation. In addition to revenge, they then go a step further and claim even more land at the expense of another people
This is quite different from the significant Bible story about the Good Samaritan, in which the 'enemy' helps their 'enemy'. What is happening now is a perfect example of heartless leadership. And not
And that does not require heartless leadership, but connecting leadership that can bring people together again. But how do we get there and what can you do as a leader in this?
both in small and large circles.
That requires us to go back to the source of our existence and shape new leadership from there. Because, how are we essentially connected to each other? And where did we all actually come from?
In essence we are all equal, we are all people who want to live in peace. With respect and tolerance for each other’s unique differences, in peaceful coexistence with everyone. With enough food, drink, shelter and equal rights for everyone.
But history has seen growing populations on earth over the centuries and millennia, with increasing diversification. The (too strong) ego identifications and focus on differences with others has led to greater polarization between people and nations. And that requires looking at it from a higher perspective. Just like when you zoom out and look at the earth, what do you see? Many astronauts see a beautiful blue ball without borders and often return to earth with a new consciousness that has touched them to their very soul. With more care for a sustainable earth where we are temporary guests, as well as care for limitless connection with each other in peace.
“If you zoom out, you see more of the whole”
This is not an exhaustive list, but I am convinced that if you engage in a few of these aspects of ‘spirited’ leadership, as a leader you will actually contribute more to a better world. On a small or large scale. In your family, organization or country.
Leaders who lead from "spirit" contribute to a better world. This includes:
No. If you take these steps as a leader, that is no guarantee for success. Because some people cannot (yet) provide harmony even if you invite them as a leader. Why? Because the people you lead may themselves be struggling with too big of an ego and/or unresolved soul pain. For example, they do not want to sacrifice their privileges (economically), or they do not want to bring the whole truth to light, they may be full of negative judgments about others in their heads and engage in opponent stigmatization. Or, they do not want to give up their built-up prestige, or yearn for more fame, power, material and territorial expansion.
Or, they have not gathered enough courage to heal their own unprocessed soul pain.
They choose to live from (apparent) strength and comfort and sweep their vulnerability under the rug. They then continue to live in their own pain that they justify and allow to exist, and repeat their own history of discontent, polarization or separation.
As a leader, do not be discouraged. You are not obliged to sacrifice your peace or peaceful intentions for people who are at war with themselves. And be aware that you do touch people with your connecting leadership.
Leaders have the potential to create a better world, but this requires self-reflection, humility and the willingness to transcend ego identifications. By leading from "spirit", you can contribute as a leader to a world in which peace, equality and sustainability are central. Both in small and large circles. And that is more than worth it.
#leadership #leadershipdevelopment #spiritueelleiderschap #spiritedleadership #Executivecoaching #teamcoaching #collectiefleiderschap #professionalcoaching #coaching #businesscoaching #conflictmangement #mediation #nowar #peace
What if you are highly sensitive? That is what the brand new edition of PSYCHOLOGY MAGAZINE is about. Here you can find an article about my coaching of HSP's (Highly Sensitive Person).
Hier zie je een artikel van mij over coaching van mijn hooggevoelige klanten.
A different world: more beautiful, more loving, friendlier. Because it looks like the world has become more grim. Within and between nations, in politics, in the media, in organizations or in the streets. “Framing”, “canceling”, polarization and radicalization are a daily occurrence. How can we make the world a better place? At work and in private? In large and small circles?
It all comes down to our egos. We live and work in a world that has become crowded, and where safety can no longer be taken for granted. Secretly, beneath the surface, our fears and the need for power to create or preserve a safe space for ourselves controls us. We want to protect ourselves and be a person of consequence amid the hustle and bustle, and don't hesitate to use our elbows in the process. Why? Because every human being has a number of universal needs:
Before we know it we unconsciously become attached to ego-labels that we use to define our identity, which then fulfills the aforementioned desires. It is precisely those ego-labels that contribute to further polarization and radicalization.
Ego is the 'I' we use to identify ourselves, but it also sometimes unconsciously separates us from others. Before you know it you identify yourself as your profession, your income, your status, your football team, your country or your religion. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, until circumstances change, or you become so embroiled in your ego that you look upon others as wrong, or less worthy. For example, you're down in the dumps for an entire week when your team loses, you become depressed when your sports career ends or you have retired, or you are disillusioned with your faith when you see how some religious folks behave violently.
If you are connected to your ego-labels with all your heart and soul, the emotional pain and associated emotions, such as anger or sorrow are exponentially more intense or worse. That's when you start threatening the football coach who lost the game, or even menacingly show up on the politician's doorstep. You might even go so far as to issue death threats, like I recently experienced personally. In an article I wrote about “going on vacation”, I mentioned being unexpectedly woken up too early in the morning by a church bell tolling or a loud morning prayer emanating from a mosque, in the context of your own expectations poisoning your momentary wellbeing. Even though I often appreciate the quality and beauty of the Muslim prayer, I received a death threat from someone who misinterpreted my words. That is the danger of passionate ego-identifications that can lead to unnecessary aggression.
Just like some lawyers who are passionately attached to winning for their client and themselves and even consciously distort the truth to do so. And then speak ill of their counterpart if they speak the truth. Not truth, but self-interest then serve and unnecessarily polarize issues that are going on.
However, anyone who thinks evil, speaks evil, consciously distorts the truth or makes threats, is actually contributing to polarization instead of peace and truth. I therefore advocate, for example, that all negative emojis (such as angry icons) be removed from all social media and that personal attacks and threatening comments should ideally be filtered. Because online media, with their policies (perhaps unintentionally), contribute to transgressive behavior and thus feed negativity and separation instead of unity.
There is a collective ego label as soon as a group of people identifies with the same identity. And there is nothing wrong with that in itself. In fact, together you can move mountains. It could be an organization you work for or a football team or for example a country or religion. However, as soon as you passionately identify with one group, then elevate yourself as being better than the other group, or exclude the other group, you are actually contributing to collective polarization and sowing the seeds of enmity and war with the other group.
Way back when, during my Psychology studies, my Professor Rabbi already pointed out the effect of us/them thinking. Even without the presence of a competitive element, people can clash. During an experiment it turned out that the mere division of participants into a blue and a red group was reason enough for people to develop enmity towards each other.
In public I sometimes notice that people from ones 'own group' are addressed as brother or sister, while this courtesy is sometimes not extended to 'others'. Once, during a conference, Nelson Mandela was critically questioned by an American investigative journalist who accused him of accepting financial aid for his anti-apartheid regime from Arafat and Gaddafi, who were considered enemies of the Western world. Mandela pointed out to him that his mind-set was wrong to think in terms of "friends" and "enemies" and that thinking like that is polarizing. When Mandela first went looking for financial aid, the 'friend' USA didn't answer, while the so-called 'enemies' were indeed willing to assist him. Friend and foe are therefore merely collective ego-labels in our own thinking that hinder the development of unity.
"Friend and foe are merely collective ego-labels in our own thinking that hinder the development of unity".
However, you cannot become friends with anyone who persists in labeling you as an enemy. But you can do a lot on your own to contribute to unity and not polarization and radicalization.
What can you do yourself to contribute to unity? Whether it is with your country, organization, colleague, manager, customer, neighbor, family or a stranger. I assure you that if you apply these ten tips, your relationships will immediately improve and you will already contribute to a better world in small or large circles, depending on your social position and associated responsibility.
Change your mind set! Because a lot of behavior stems from your thinking in terms of labels. I was watching a comedy once, and when a child was born, someone didn't shout loudly: “It's a boy”, or “it's a girl!”, but: "It's a baby!"
Let go of all labels, such as: friend/foe; right/left, Christian/Jew/Muslim/Hindu/Buddhist, LGBTQ, etc. And try to apply this more often: “It is a human being!”
With light from within, burn off the layers of ego labels from your own eyes and look at your fellow man in a new light.
With light from within, burn off the layers of ego labels from your own eyes and look at your fellow man in a new light.
Because then you are doing the same thing, which actually reinforces the polarization. Just like when you're driving a car. You are the way you drive. If someone starts tailgating, let the aggression literally and figuratively pass you by. Stay kind.
"You are the way you drive.”
Don't think in terms of right or wrong, because no one is always 100% right or wrong.
Can you look at what someone has done right and is still doing right? Or do you get stuck in what the other person did wrong? Like 'Once canceled, always canceled'; 'Once framed, always framed.' This doesn't do justice to anyone. Forgiveness is like balm to each other's souls.
“Forgiveness is like balm to each other's souls”.
If no one thinks and does 100% right, that also applies to you. How graceful it is when you are open about your own mistakes. And then learn from them. That makes you human, because ideally we should learn from our mistakes. Sometimes we have to make more mistakes, or more serious ones, in order to learn to grow into a sincere, true, talented and peaceful human being. If you don't learn your life lessons, you will just have to come back more often as a soul to learn in the temporary school of life. You are better off doing it now.
Give each other sincere compliments without getting anything in return. Even treat strangers this way. As a founder of Voice Dialogue, Hal Stone told me during his international training in the USA that the 'inner critic' and 'inner judge' in people is nowhere as prevalent as in the Dutch. He and his wife Sidra drew that conclusion after they traveled the world for years with their ideas about the psychology of the different 'selves'. Being critical is okay, but not if it means that the positive towards yourself and each other is not forthcoming.
Your tone of voiceyour choice of words, the way you look at the other immediately betray whether you approach others from a perspective of reservation, suspicion or hostility, or from a place of sincerity, open-mindedness and friendliness. Try to smile sincerely (not cynically) at another person. Even though you may not agree with the other person, try to do this more often and your work and private contacts will change instantly.
Even if the other person's opinion rubs you the wrong way, stay curious. Try to find out why the other person thinks differently from you. Agree to disagree.
It may happen more quickly than you think: Don't look at the other person. Turn around and turn away from the other. Don't really look at the other person or don't look at them in a friendly way. Instead, don't look away, but turn to the other person and look at each other. Do not turn away, but go towards each other. Start a conversation with the person you were against. You can be pleasantly surprised and your judgments can disappear like snow in the sunshine in no time.
You don't have to agree with each other. If you really show that you are listening to the other person, it often has a disarming effect. You gain more insight into why the other person thinks the way they do and you may gain more understanding. Watch what happens to yourself when you notice that someone else really takes you seriously and really listens to you. So extend the same courtesy to the other. But don't assume that the other person will reciprocate. Sometimes others need more time to let your words sink in and they can't really listen to you (for a while).
A sincere and loving helping hand is often well received. If not, the other person isn't ready, but don't take it personally because it's not about you. But usually when you show good will it improves the relationship with the other person.
You are responsible for how you think about the other person, and how you behave and express to the other person. Even if the other person seems to give rise to anger, sadness or whatever, you always remain responsible for your own behavior and thoughts.
What do you think? What are you doing yourself? Every day, every minute with regard to your fellow human being? Living together becomes so much more fun and enjoyable if you apply these ten tips. Give it a try and decide afterwards whether it worked.
1. Do not think in terms of labels and judgments, but look at your fellow man neutrally
2. Do not think and act hostile yourself when enmity comes your way
3. Forgive the other
4. Acknowledge your own mistakes and learn from them
5. Give sincere compliments
6. Be kind
7. Stay curious
8. Move towards each other and start a dialogue of your own
9. Listen to each other even if you disagree
10. Help each other
Does this article appeal to you and do you want more people to live better together? It would be nice if you share it.
After all, all your life you have a choice to feed the positive or the negative. The choice is yours. As the following story, that I saw while traveling on an Indian reservation in Kamloops, BC in Canada, shows.
One night, a grandfather from the Secwepemc tribe teaches his grandson about life. A battle is going on inside me, he tells the boy. It is a terrible fight between two wolves.
One is bad. He is anger, jealousy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, tranquility, benevolence, empathy, generosity, forgiveness, gentleness, truth, compassion and trust.
The same fight is going on in you. And in everyone.
The grandson thought about it for a moment and asked his Grandfather, "But which wolf will win?" The Grandparent simply replied, "The one you feed."
© 2023: Martin Thoolen
Take a look at: https://martinthoolen.com/en/
Take a look at this book ‘Spirited Personal Leadership.’ For more effective work, a meaningful life and a better world. View or order a copy here: https://martinthoolen.com/publicaties/en
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How do you make the best choice for a course or a coach these days? For example, to achieve Personal Leadership or Mastery?
This was not an issue more than 30 years ago, when I stood at the cradle of (business) coaching in the Netherlands in 1992 as a project developer of Individual Coaching at the Boertien & Partners training institute.
In the decades since, a proliferation of 100,000 coaches has come about, because it is not a protected title and so anyone can call themselves a coach. Just look at the number of current social media posts by some would-be coaches: in particular, earning a lot of money quickly seems to be the priority for some coaches or institutes, ranked above integrity and proven professionalism.
How beautiful it is to see that there are so many people who are curious about personal, professional or even spiritual development, and that so many of us follow or have followed myriad low-threshold courses about, for example, NLP, mindfulness, or 'healing'. You benefit from it yourself and want to pass it on to others. And then you become a coach, healer, teacher or trainer yourself and set up your own academy. And that way we can do even more for each other.
In this way, sometimes 'clients' or 'participants' can avoid having to seek help from a psychologist or psychiatrist. As they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. In addition, the stigma associated with the old-fashioned taboo on mental illness has been broken, and people are more likely to ask for mental or spiritual support. Moreover, as a client you do not have to deal with long waiting times while your mental distress is high. The large number of coaches also shows diversity and specialties, which means that more personal customization can be provided. Benefits galore, but there is also a dark side.
Due to the large number of coaches and academies, you also see a growing lack of quality. Not only that, some approaches can actually be dangerous and cause mental damage, and unintentionally drive people further into depression, confusion, panic or worse.
The hunt for money as well as self-overestimation and lack of self-reflection can sometimes drive the coach or 'Academy'. For example, I recently read a newspaper article in which a coach literally stated that as an 'experience expert' he did not need any training. But then aren’t all people actual experience experts, so would that then make everyone a good coach?
The self-overestimation can stem from fear of a lack of money (poverty awareness) and/or an unrecognized excessive ego or narcissism. With spiritual elevation you hope to get 'in the picture' and win clients and make a lot of money in the process. In what way do we concretely see this - often unconscious and unacknowledged - ego-elevation taking place? A few current examples:
And yes, people are sensitive to these commercial lies wrapped in a spiritual ego sauce. But why do we sometimes stumble into this?
An important reason why you sometimes fall for this tripe is ignorance, and not investigating the quality and experience of an institute, trainer, coach, teacher or healer
Another reason may be that the spiritual need is so great that you grab a hold of whatever looks good on the outside.
And finally, money. Many people, especially in the Netherlands, want everything cheap. Especially in times of crisis, when the money is no longer just tucked in the mattress, they grab whatever is cheapest. And can you blame them? If you can use a (STAP-)budget provided by the government, you won't resist. But are you getting the quality you deserve?
Because the actual quality of an 'academy' or training institute, trainer, coach, healer, or teacher, is ultimately determined by the person you’re dealing with, not the building they are in or academy they are working for.
“The actual quality of an 'academy' or training institute, trainer, coach, healer, or teacher is ultimately determined by the person you’re dealing with, not the building they are in or academy they are working for”.
But how do you make a good choice, so you can really get what you are looking for, for possibly just a little more money? Time for some tips.
Here are eight tips to help you make the best choice for a coach, trainer, or institute:
1. See how many flight-hours a coach/trainer has booked with clients who were looking for the same thing you are.
2. Look at (pre)training, post-doctoral training and certifications.
3. Look at genuine testimonialsfrom previous clients. evidence of years of evaluations.
4. Is the coach/trainer really credible and do they live up to that in their own actions?
(‘do they truly practice what they preach?’)
5. As a client, are you treated as an equal?
6. As a client, do you experience the coach, trainer, or institute showing sufficient self-reflection , in addition to proven expertise?
7. Do not register right away, but first get a free intake consultation.
Get a no-obligation, free intake consultation to find out the nitty gritty on the coach/trainer with whom you will actually be dealing. Experience your coach/trainer 'live' in advance, so that you know what they are made of. Because if you don't hear someone 'live' first, you can be quite disappointed by the bum notes you will have to listen to later.
“If you don't hear someone 'live' first, you can be quite disappointed by the bum notes you will have to listen to later.”
I hope that this will help you separate the wheat from the chaff and come to a choice that will benefit you the most, in your work and life.
Martin
© 2023: Martin Thoolen
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Anyone can fall into this trap: Thinking you are better than the other. You and I both. Especially if you’re in a leadership position in government, politics, religion, business, or if you’re a VIP, but also if you’re a manager, spiritual teacher, coach, trainer or guru. I see it everywhere, including in myself.
Where does this come from? How do you recognize it? What are the effects, and how do you get past it? What if you have to deal with someone else who has succumbed to it? How do you deal with that? And how do you make a truly equal heart-connection that causes the world around you to become a better place, at work and in your private life?
It’s time to lift this veil of haughtiness: To allow real love and peace to flourish more. In small and large circles alike.
It is said that the civilization of Atlantis fell because of the haughtiness of a few who wanted to create ‘a world based in advanced knowledge and power.’ Haughtiness came before a fall, and today we find our world standing at the exact same threshold. From antiquity until today, people have been falling for it. As it was with the Pharaos of Egypt and Roman Emperors, it is with the government and political leaders of today. But equally so on a smaller scale with VIP’s, directors, managers, spiritual teachers, coaches and trainers of today. Inside your own circle.
Publicly, or more commonly in secret, you may see yourself as exceptional and divinely chosen. You have ‘fallen upwards,’ and your haughtiness is a hidden force that leads you, today’s Fall of Atlantis. You are unknowingly living or working from a spiritual ego, without being conscious of it.
If spiritual ego is leading you without you being aware of it, you will use your knowledge, abilities or language to demonstrate that you are ‘above the other’, or ‘more advanced’ in your spiritual development than others. Or, that you’re more significant than the other. This has nothing to do with spirit, instead it is just your ego, elevating itself above the other. Because spirit, or universal consciousness and unconditional love, knows no hierarchy.
“Spirit kent geen hiërachie”
Why is it that people have been falling into this ego-trap for centuries to begin with? The desire for recognition, appreciation, inclusion, approval, being special, attention and love is universal. Sometimes, the lack of some of these things in the past has been so great that overcompensation enters the picture. Before you know it, the spiritual ego is in charge of your activities, often without your knowledge. It doesn’t make a lick of difference whether you are highly or less educated, have lots of experience or none. It can happen to anyone. It creates dictators and know-it-alls.
How do you recognize today’s Fall of Atlantis? A few concrete indicators will demonstrate.
Some people think they are the chosen few, and use this argument to place themselves above others. Roman Emperors thought themselves to be demigods. Some government leaders today are of the opinion that they have an exceptional divine gift and mission, even if that means a war must be fought over it, all the way up to so-called ‘holy wars.’
But you can also see this phenomenon occurring on a smaller scale sometimes with (spiritual) teachers, coaches and trainers. For example, I was recently baffled by what I was reading about the spiritual arrogance of some who claim: ‘my book isn’t a book, because it transcends all traditional literature.’ Another said: ‘my book is the Bible of coaching.’ And if you package it just right and use the word ‘God’ in the title of all your correspondence, you’re guaranteed commercial success. Because those in need of help are always around, especially in these times, when religions often can’t provide fulfillment in life.
For government and political leaders it is often no longer about content, justice and equality but instead it’s about the ego seeking elevation in a quest for recognition and specialness. In the Dutch cabinet, for example, the egos are boiling over and we don’t even know where to go from here. Many government leaders keep increasing their own sphere of influence and even have their powers written into laws or even the constitution. From their greater position of power they force their will onto others, and punish them if they don’t comply. Such as banning a religion that doesn’t stroke with ‘their own’ faith. Like a coaching client of mine who was beaten to a pulp by his fundamentalist evangelical father for many years. Or getting the death penalty in Iran for not properly wearing your burka. None of these things speak to real love, and they lead to a regression in society.
It certainly seems like some spiritual teachers and gurus are freed from their spiritual egos, because they preach about peace, love and truth, while they are also truly inspiring, for example at seminars, conferences, retreats, in their books and through other venues. They use phrases like ‘heart to heart,’ ‘dear angel, are you ready to experience real love; not everyone is ready to experience real love, but you are.’ Before you know it, you feel loved, special or chosen because of what they tell you. It’s spiritual honey that people flock to.
Until suddenly their shadow side, which they repressed because it doesn’t fit with their self-made image of spiritual specialness, becomes visible.
Like my personal experience at a ten-day silent retreat abroad about non-dualism. There was conversation about a field of unconditional love, loving and freedom of judgment. While this was happening, there was a loud concert nearby that was detracting from the silence. The aggravation and judgment poured from the depths of the teachers’ psyches, and the disapproving looks were easy to see all around. No-one is immune to judgments and it’s better to embrace them and deal with them effectively.
I’m ashamed a little to say it happened a moment to me, too. During one of my weeklong ‘Inner Nature’ retreats in the Belgian Ardennes, a participant asked to take a picture of me. In a fraction of a second, I felt flattered by her admiration and fed my ego, my spiritual ego. But fortunately a few moments later I became aware of what I just did to myself, letting myself be made ‘special.’ As if I was ‘more’ than the participant. Yuck! Luckily, I could let it go quickly. But what happens if you need this constant admiration to exist? Before you know it, this stealthy self-satisfaction takes over.
By consistently indicating that another person has less knowledge or fewer abilities than yourself, you elevate yourself above the other. I call it the seesaw-effect. Pushing the other down to end up in a higher place yourself. In that case power and not love has you in a death grip.
You can also emphasize your own successes, power, knowledge, and abilities without acknowledging your own failings and pitfalls. Better to keep those vulnerabilities locked up. Similar to a colleague who indicated that she had lived many lives, was very wise and could be more meaningful than others as an old soul.
If you’ve fallen into the Atlantis-trap, your aim is for a societally elevated leadership position. You don’t use this position as a temporary vehicle to inspire others with truth, justice, equality, or sincere love. No, above all you want to use it to show your own importance to society. Sometimes you choose to sit on a literal throne above others, instead of among people, as I experienced with the authorities at a silent retreat.
The benefits of these (spiritual) ego-authorities are that they can truly inspire you. They speak truths that we are sensitive to, and that we are often looking for. They say something that you agree with but that others are afraid to mention. You feel seen by them. Or, you gain valuable insights that you can really apply in your work or private life. They make you feel like you belong or are special. That’s what makes it so confusing.
But the cons and dangers are lurking below the surface and will come to light sooner or later. If you rely too much on an external authority, you give it power as you abandon your own sovereignty. Before you know it, you no longer know which of your thoughts are your own, versus those of the authority you believe in. A leader in any context can build their own cult just like that, with some of their followers prepared to murder others or themselves for it.
See, acknowledge, and turn it around.
To see, you have to dare to put your ego aside, otherwise you’ll remain in the trap. Look at yourself with 100% honesty and see that you:
“Dare to be a VUP (Very unimportant person)”
Acknowledge that this is happening to you, and that it is entirely your own doing. Your ego will resist the whole time, in order not to lose any ground. The brave authorities and truth-finders among us will dare to take this step.
Turn around your authority from self-gratification to simply being a temporary vehicle for equality, truth of the heart, justice, and love. Without any expectation that another will appreciate and admire you.
Protect yourself against spiritual egos. Remain yourself and never give up your own thoughts and sovereignty. Don’t always accept the teacher to be what they say they are. Follow your own compass and be a follower of yourself. The development of its own independence is one of the tasks facing the soul from the cradle to the grave.
Dare to leave, even if it is socially undesirable, if you are instructed to believe something that you can’t agree with. This is something I did myself during a break at a seminar put on by an organization that saw itself as the kingpin to change the entire world and patted itself on the chest about it. While at the same time they were themselves contributing to continuing the use of fossil fuels.
As the Gnostics said long ago, “Live the God within yourself.” Because from spirit and unconditional love everyone is chosen.
“Iedereen is uitverkoren!”
In large as well as small personal circles. By living and working more from universal consciousness, love, or what I call ‘spirit’, instead of from ego. You can find out more about this in my book “Spirited Personal Leadership.” You can view and download a free promo here: https://martinthoolen.com/publicaties/en
Or checkout this course: https://martinthoolen.com/en/service/master-module-persoonlijk-inspirerend-leiderschap/
© 2023: Martin Thoolen
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Vacation, at last! More peace, enjoyment and relaxation and an empty head, things that you don’t get around to at home. But is that really what you find? Because you take yourself with you on vacation and you may be confronted with yourself on vacation.
And how can your vacation provide even more inspiration?
IF THINGS GO DIFFERENTLY THAN EXPECTED, YOU ARE CONFRONTED WITH YOURSELF
You’re excited when you go on a trip, but immediately your inner peace is disturbed. Like when you end up in long traffic jams, take a wrong turn or your baggage doesn't show up at the airport. Or a filling station owner short-changes you 50 euros because he says you gave him 50 and not 100 euros, as I experienced myself.
Arriving at your vacation spot, you may sit and daydream on the beach when suddenly people next to you turn on loud music. Or you spend time waiting for a bus that never comes. You may wake up to a loud church bell in the morning, or hear the morning incantation coming from a mosque. Or maybe you get sick while on vacation. How much relaxation and enjoyment is there going to be then?
Inner peace is disturbed by irritations that arise from your own expectations.
Luck and bad luck, prosperity and adversity, both come to you in your life, even on vacation. Sneak up on your own thoughts and expectations daily, and allow them to be blown away on the breeze. Once you let go of your expectations of how your vacation should go, you'll have more fun and peace of mind. Whether it's about the journey itself or where you are on vacation. Try it, and then decide if it works for you.
“As soon as you let go of your expectations about how your holiday should go, you will have more fun and peace of mind”.
YOUR VACATION AS A RETREAT
Just getting away from everything. A little distance from your life and career. From a distance you can see the bigger picture. Because when you’re in the thick of it, you can't see it. Like your own blind spots in your relationships. Or the higher purpose for which you are doing something.
“From a distance you can see the bigger picture”.
If you focus on individual letters alone, you will not see the entire text. If, as a soccer player, you focus only on your opponents, you miss the spaces in between them, where you can pass them. Star player Lionel Messi can do this like no other. If you keep driving on the roundabout of your work and life, you miss landscapes, roads and adventures that can take you further. Dare to wander and you will get somewhere.
“Dare to wander and you will get somewhere”.
From a distance you can see more clearly whether you want to continue working like you were when you return. Like Johan for instance, who encountered a snail during a walking meditation in one of my earlier Retreats 'Inner Nature' in the Belgian Ardennes. He decided not to ignore it, in fact he even wondered about it for half an hour. In his very fiber he became aware of the breakneck speed at which he traveled through his daily work and life. And how much that exhausted him. Because of this deeply felt experience, he decided to set limits on his own work pressure and to make more room for a relaxed life alongside his career.
From a distance you can see how and whether you want to continue in your relationship(s) sooner. I once experienced this myself during a ten-day mindfulness training in Yenne, near the French Chambery. During a ball exercise, I watched a ball roll away from me and I couldn't help but think about the natural movement I was making away from my partner at the time. Painful, but inevitably healthy for my further soul development.
Make room for the things that matter in your life, muse, and above all make space and time to feel what your heart is telling you. This way your vacation will give you new clarity and show you new opportunities and healthy choices, which you would otherwise gloss over.
EXPERIENCING HEAVEN ON EARTH (SPIRIT/UNITY EXPERIENCES)
Do you know that feeling? When you are sitting on a hill or mountain top and you feel completely one with everything around you? Or you’re in a trance during a car ride and experience complete bliss? Or you are in the desert or jungle where there is no longer any separation between you and all the plants, animals and earth around you? You experience a deeply felt 'boost' of unconditional love and connection with the elements around you. All is well and heaven seems to be completely present on earth for a while.
These unity or spirit experiences are a cosmic nod to what has always been in the background, namely universal consciousness, or spirit. Only our ego often causes us to have fewer of these experiences than we actually desire.
How nice would it be if you could take this unity experience into your work and private life when you come back from vacation? And if that universal consciousness becomes more of a foreground than remaining in the background? Or as saxophonist John Coltrane once said: “Wherever you are, always leave a piece of heaven behind.” At work as well as in your private life when you get back.
"Wherever you are, always leave a piece of heaven behind.” -John Coltrane
If you want to know how universal consciousness or spirit becomes a bigger part of your work and life, check out the book 'Spirited Personal Leadership'. For more effective working, meaningful living, and a better world. View or order a copy here: https://www.amazon.com/Spirited-Personal-Leadership-effective-meaningful/dp/9090368027/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1T35YC0885VAQ&keywords=spirited+personal+leadership&qid=1689054493&sprefix=spirited+personal+leadershipaps225&sr=8-1
See the promotional copy and find out whether my book could help you.
©2023: Martin Thoolen
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