What if you are highly sensitive? That is what the brand new edition of PSYCHOLOGY MAGAZINE is about. Here you can find an article about my coaching of HSP's (Highly Sensitive Person).
Hier zie je een artikel van mij over coaching van mijn hooggevoelige klanten.
A different world: more beautiful, more loving, friendlier. Because it looks like the world has become more grim. Within and between nations, in politics, in the media, in organizations or in the streets. “Framing”, “canceling”, polarization and radicalization are a daily occurrence. How can we make the world a better place? At work and in private? In large and small circles?
It all comes down to our egos. We live and work in a world that has become crowded, and where safety can no longer be taken for granted. Secretly, beneath the surface, our fears and the need for power to create or preserve a safe space for ourselves controls us. We want to protect ourselves and be a person of consequence amid the hustle and bustle, and don't hesitate to use our elbows in the process. Why? Because every human being has a number of universal needs:
Before we know it we unconsciously become attached to ego-labels that we use to define our identity, which then fulfills the aforementioned desires. It is precisely those ego-labels that contribute to further polarization and radicalization.
Ego is the 'I' we use to identify ourselves, but it also sometimes unconsciously separates us from others. Before you know it you identify yourself as your profession, your income, your status, your football team, your country or your religion. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, until circumstances change, or you become so embroiled in your ego that you look upon others as wrong, or less worthy. For example, you're down in the dumps for an entire week when your team loses, you become depressed when your sports career ends or you have retired, or you are disillusioned with your faith when you see how some religious folks behave violently.
If you are connected to your ego-labels with all your heart and soul, the emotional pain and associated emotions, such as anger or sorrow are exponentially more intense or worse. That's when you start threatening the football coach who lost the game, or even menacingly show up on the politician's doorstep. You might even go so far as to issue death threats, like I recently experienced personally. In an article I wrote about “going on vacation”, I mentioned being unexpectedly woken up too early in the morning by a church bell tolling or a loud morning prayer emanating from a mosque, in the context of your own expectations poisoning your momentary wellbeing. Even though I often appreciate the quality and beauty of the Muslim prayer, I received a death threat from someone who misinterpreted my words. That is the danger of passionate ego-identifications that can lead to unnecessary aggression.
Just like some lawyers who are passionately attached to winning for their client and themselves and even consciously distort the truth to do so. And then speak ill of their counterpart if they speak the truth. Not truth, but self-interest then serve and unnecessarily polarize issues that are going on.
However, anyone who thinks evil, speaks evil, consciously distorts the truth or makes threats, is actually contributing to polarization instead of peace and truth. I therefore advocate, for example, that all negative emojis (such as angry icons) be removed from all social media and that personal attacks and threatening comments should ideally be filtered. Because online media, with their policies (perhaps unintentionally), contribute to transgressive behavior and thus feed negativity and separation instead of unity.
There is a collective ego label as soon as a group of people identifies with the same identity. And there is nothing wrong with that in itself. In fact, together you can move mountains. It could be an organization you work for or a football team or for example a country or religion. However, as soon as you passionately identify with one group, then elevate yourself as being better than the other group, or exclude the other group, you are actually contributing to collective polarization and sowing the seeds of enmity and war with the other group.
Way back when, during my Psychology studies, my Professor Rabbi already pointed out the effect of us/them thinking. Even without the presence of a competitive element, people can clash. During an experiment it turned out that the mere division of participants into a blue and a red group was reason enough for people to develop enmity towards each other.
In public I sometimes notice that people from ones 'own group' are addressed as brother or sister, while this courtesy is sometimes not extended to 'others'. Once, during a conference, Nelson Mandela was critically questioned by an American investigative journalist who accused him of accepting financial aid for his anti-apartheid regime from Arafat and Gaddafi, who were considered enemies of the Western world. Mandela pointed out to him that his mind-set was wrong to think in terms of "friends" and "enemies" and that thinking like that is polarizing. When Mandela first went looking for financial aid, the 'friend' USA didn't answer, while the so-called 'enemies' were indeed willing to assist him. Friend and foe are therefore merely collective ego-labels in our own thinking that hinder the development of unity.
"Friend and foe are merely collective ego-labels in our own thinking that hinder the development of unity".
However, you cannot become friends with anyone who persists in labeling you as an enemy. But you can do a lot on your own to contribute to unity and not polarization and radicalization.
What can you do yourself to contribute to unity? Whether it is with your country, organization, colleague, manager, customer, neighbor, family or a stranger. I assure you that if you apply these ten tips, your relationships will immediately improve and you will already contribute to a better world in small or large circles, depending on your social position and associated responsibility.
Change your mind set! Because a lot of behavior stems from your thinking in terms of labels. I was watching a comedy once, and when a child was born, someone didn't shout loudly: “It's a boy”, or “it's a girl!”, but: "It's a baby!"
Let go of all labels, such as: friend/foe; right/left, Christian/Jew/Muslim/Hindu/Buddhist, LGBTQ, etc. And try to apply this more often: “It is a human being!”
With light from within, burn off the layers of ego labels from your own eyes and look at your fellow man in a new light.
With light from within, burn off the layers of ego labels from your own eyes and look at your fellow man in a new light.
Because then you are doing the same thing, which actually reinforces the polarization. Just like when you're driving a car. You are the way you drive. If someone starts tailgating, let the aggression literally and figuratively pass you by. Stay kind.
"You are the way you drive.”
Don't think in terms of right or wrong, because no one is always 100% right or wrong.
Can you look at what someone has done right and is still doing right? Or do you get stuck in what the other person did wrong? Like 'Once canceled, always canceled'; 'Once framed, always framed.' This doesn't do justice to anyone. Forgiveness is like balm to each other's souls.
“Forgiveness is like balm to each other's souls”.
If no one thinks and does 100% right, that also applies to you. How graceful it is when you are open about your own mistakes. And then learn from them. That makes you human, because ideally we should learn from our mistakes. Sometimes we have to make more mistakes, or more serious ones, in order to learn to grow into a sincere, true, talented and peaceful human being. If you don't learn your life lessons, you will just have to come back more often as a soul to learn in the temporary school of life. You are better off doing it now.
Give each other sincere compliments without getting anything in return. Even treat strangers this way. As a founder of Voice Dialogue, Hal Stone told me during his international training in the USA that the 'inner critic' and 'inner judge' in people is nowhere as prevalent as in the Dutch. He and his wife Sidra drew that conclusion after they traveled the world for years with their ideas about the psychology of the different 'selves'. Being critical is okay, but not if it means that the positive towards yourself and each other is not forthcoming.
Your tone of voiceyour choice of words, the way you look at the other immediately betray whether you approach others from a perspective of reservation, suspicion or hostility, or from a place of sincerity, open-mindedness and friendliness. Try to smile sincerely (not cynically) at another person. Even though you may not agree with the other person, try to do this more often and your work and private contacts will change instantly.
Even if the other person's opinion rubs you the wrong way, stay curious. Try to find out why the other person thinks differently from you. Agree to disagree.
It may happen more quickly than you think: Don't look at the other person. Turn around and turn away from the other. Don't really look at the other person or don't look at them in a friendly way. Instead, don't look away, but turn to the other person and look at each other. Do not turn away, but go towards each other. Start a conversation with the person you were against. You can be pleasantly surprised and your judgments can disappear like snow in the sunshine in no time.
You don't have to agree with each other. If you really show that you are listening to the other person, it often has a disarming effect. You gain more insight into why the other person thinks the way they do and you may gain more understanding. Watch what happens to yourself when you notice that someone else really takes you seriously and really listens to you. So extend the same courtesy to the other. But don't assume that the other person will reciprocate. Sometimes others need more time to let your words sink in and they can't really listen to you (for a while).
A sincere and loving helping hand is often well received. If not, the other person isn't ready, but don't take it personally because it's not about you. But usually when you show good will it improves the relationship with the other person.
You are responsible for how you think about the other person, and how you behave and express to the other person. Even if the other person seems to give rise to anger, sadness or whatever, you always remain responsible for your own behavior and thoughts.
What do you think? What are you doing yourself? Every day, every minute with regard to your fellow human being? Living together becomes so much more fun and enjoyable if you apply these ten tips. Give it a try and decide afterwards whether it worked.
1. Do not think in terms of labels and judgments, but look at your fellow man neutrally
2. Do not think and act hostile yourself when enmity comes your way
3. Forgive the other
4. Acknowledge your own mistakes and learn from them
5. Give sincere compliments
6. Be kind
7. Stay curious
8. Move towards each other and start a dialogue of your own
9. Listen to each other even if you disagree
10. Help each other
Does this article appeal to you and do you want more people to live better together? It would be nice if you share it.
After all, all your life you have a choice to feed the positive or the negative. The choice is yours. As the following story, that I saw while traveling on an Indian reservation in Kamloops, BC in Canada, shows.
One night, a grandfather from the Secwepemc tribe teaches his grandson about life. A battle is going on inside me, he tells the boy. It is a terrible fight between two wolves.
One is bad. He is anger, jealousy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, tranquility, benevolence, empathy, generosity, forgiveness, gentleness, truth, compassion and trust.
The same fight is going on in you. And in everyone.
The grandson thought about it for a moment and asked his Grandfather, "But which wolf will win?" The Grandparent simply replied, "The one you feed."
© 2023: Martin Thoolen
Take a look at: https://martinthoolen.com/en/
Take a look at this book ‘Spirited Personal Leadership.’ For more effective work, a meaningful life and a better world. View or order a copy here: https://martinthoolen.com/publicaties/en
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How do you make the best choice for a course or a coach these days? For example, to achieve Personal Leadership or Mastery?
This was not an issue more than 30 years ago, when I stood at the cradle of (business) coaching in the Netherlands in 1992 as a project developer of Individual Coaching at the Boertien & Partners training institute.
In the decades since, a proliferation of 100,000 coaches has come about, because it is not a protected title and so anyone can call themselves a coach. Just look at the number of current social media posts by some would-be coaches: in particular, earning a lot of money quickly seems to be the priority for some coaches or institutes, ranked above integrity and proven professionalism.
How beautiful it is to see that there are so many people who are curious about personal, professional or even spiritual development, and that so many of us follow or have followed myriad low-threshold courses about, for example, NLP, mindfulness, or 'healing'. You benefit from it yourself and want to pass it on to others. And then you become a coach, healer, teacher or trainer yourself and set up your own academy. And that way we can do even more for each other.
In this way, sometimes 'clients' or 'participants' can avoid having to seek help from a psychologist or psychiatrist. As they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. In addition, the stigma associated with the old-fashioned taboo on mental illness has been broken, and people are more likely to ask for mental or spiritual support. Moreover, as a client you do not have to deal with long waiting times while your mental distress is high. The large number of coaches also shows diversity and specialties, which means that more personal customization can be provided. Benefits galore, but there is also a dark side.
Due to the large number of coaches and academies, you also see a growing lack of quality. Not only that, some approaches can actually be dangerous and cause mental damage, and unintentionally drive people further into depression, confusion, panic or worse.
The hunt for money as well as self-overestimation and lack of self-reflection can sometimes drive the coach or 'Academy'. For example, I recently read a newspaper article in which a coach literally stated that as an 'experience expert' he did not need any training. But then aren’t all people actual experience experts, so would that then make everyone a good coach?
The self-overestimation can stem from fear of a lack of money (poverty awareness) and/or an unrecognized excessive ego or narcissism. With spiritual elevation you hope to get 'in the picture' and win clients and make a lot of money in the process. In what way do we concretely see this - often unconscious and unacknowledged - ego-elevation taking place? A few current examples:
And yes, people are sensitive to these commercial lies wrapped in a spiritual ego sauce. But why do we sometimes stumble into this?
An important reason why you sometimes fall for this tripe is ignorance, and not investigating the quality and experience of an institute, trainer, coach, teacher or healer
Another reason may be that the spiritual need is so great that you grab a hold of whatever looks good on the outside.
And finally, money. Many people, especially in the Netherlands, want everything cheap. Especially in times of crisis, when the money is no longer just tucked in the mattress, they grab whatever is cheapest. And can you blame them? If you can use a (STAP-)budget provided by the government, you won't resist. But are you getting the quality you deserve?
Because the actual quality of an 'academy' or training institute, trainer, coach, healer, or teacher, is ultimately determined by the person you’re dealing with, not the building they are in or academy they are working for.
“The actual quality of an 'academy' or training institute, trainer, coach, healer, or teacher is ultimately determined by the person you’re dealing with, not the building they are in or academy they are working for”.
But how do you make a good choice, so you can really get what you are looking for, for possibly just a little more money? Time for some tips.
Here are eight tips to help you make the best choice for a coach, trainer, or institute:
1. See how many flight-hours a coach/trainer has booked with clients who were looking for the same thing you are.
2. Look at (pre)training, post-doctoral training and certifications.
3. Look at genuine testimonialsfrom previous clients. evidence of years of evaluations.
4. Is the coach/trainer really credible and do they live up to that in their own actions?
(‘do they truly practice what they preach?’)
5. As a client, are you treated as an equal?
6. As a client, do you experience the coach, trainer, or institute showing sufficient self-reflection , in addition to proven expertise?
7. Do not register right away, but first get a free intake consultation.
Get a no-obligation, free intake consultation to find out the nitty gritty on the coach/trainer with whom you will actually be dealing. Experience your coach/trainer 'live' in advance, so that you know what they are made of. Because if you don't hear someone 'live' first, you can be quite disappointed by the bum notes you will have to listen to later.
“If you don't hear someone 'live' first, you can be quite disappointed by the bum notes you will have to listen to later.”
I hope that this will help you separate the wheat from the chaff and come to a choice that will benefit you the most, in your work and life.
Martin
© 2023: Martin Thoolen
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Anyone can fall into this trap: Thinking you are better than the other. You and I both. Especially if you’re in a leadership position in government, politics, religion, business, or if you’re a VIP, but also if you’re a manager, spiritual teacher, coach, trainer or guru. I see it everywhere, including in myself.
Where does this come from? How do you recognize it? What are the effects, and how do you get past it? What if you have to deal with someone else who has succumbed to it? How do you deal with that? And how do you make a truly equal heart-connection that causes the world around you to become a better place, at work and in your private life?
It’s time to lift this veil of haughtiness: To allow real love and peace to flourish more. In small and large circles alike.
It is said that the civilization of Atlantis fell because of the haughtiness of a few who wanted to create ‘a world based in advanced knowledge and power.’ Haughtiness came before a fall, and today we find our world standing at the exact same threshold. From antiquity until today, people have been falling for it. As it was with the Pharaos of Egypt and Roman Emperors, it is with the government and political leaders of today. But equally so on a smaller scale with VIP’s, directors, managers, spiritual teachers, coaches and trainers of today. Inside your own circle.
Publicly, or more commonly in secret, you may see yourself as exceptional and divinely chosen. You have ‘fallen upwards,’ and your haughtiness is a hidden force that leads you, today’s Fall of Atlantis. You are unknowingly living or working from a spiritual ego, without being conscious of it.
If spiritual ego is leading you without you being aware of it, you will use your knowledge, abilities or language to demonstrate that you are ‘above the other’, or ‘more advanced’ in your spiritual development than others. Or, that you’re more significant than the other. This has nothing to do with spirit, instead it is just your ego, elevating itself above the other. Because spirit, or universal consciousness and unconditional love, knows no hierarchy.
“Spirit kent geen hiërachie”
Why is it that people have been falling into this ego-trap for centuries to begin with? The desire for recognition, appreciation, inclusion, approval, being special, attention and love is universal. Sometimes, the lack of some of these things in the past has been so great that overcompensation enters the picture. Before you know it, the spiritual ego is in charge of your activities, often without your knowledge. It doesn’t make a lick of difference whether you are highly or less educated, have lots of experience or none. It can happen to anyone. It creates dictators and know-it-alls.
How do you recognize today’s Fall of Atlantis? A few concrete indicators will demonstrate.
Some people think they are the chosen few, and use this argument to place themselves above others. Roman Emperors thought themselves to be demigods. Some government leaders today are of the opinion that they have an exceptional divine gift and mission, even if that means a war must be fought over it, all the way up to so-called ‘holy wars.’
But you can also see this phenomenon occurring on a smaller scale sometimes with (spiritual) teachers, coaches and trainers. For example, I was recently baffled by what I was reading about the spiritual arrogance of some who claim: ‘my book isn’t a book, because it transcends all traditional literature.’ Another said: ‘my book is the Bible of coaching.’ And if you package it just right and use the word ‘God’ in the title of all your correspondence, you’re guaranteed commercial success. Because those in need of help are always around, especially in these times, when religions often can’t provide fulfillment in life.
For government and political leaders it is often no longer about content, justice and equality but instead it’s about the ego seeking elevation in a quest for recognition and specialness. In the Dutch cabinet, for example, the egos are boiling over and we don’t even know where to go from here. Many government leaders keep increasing their own sphere of influence and even have their powers written into laws or even the constitution. From their greater position of power they force their will onto others, and punish them if they don’t comply. Such as banning a religion that doesn’t stroke with ‘their own’ faith. Like a coaching client of mine who was beaten to a pulp by his fundamentalist evangelical father for many years. Or getting the death penalty in Iran for not properly wearing your burka. None of these things speak to real love, and they lead to a regression in society.
It certainly seems like some spiritual teachers and gurus are freed from their spiritual egos, because they preach about peace, love and truth, while they are also truly inspiring, for example at seminars, conferences, retreats, in their books and through other venues. They use phrases like ‘heart to heart,’ ‘dear angel, are you ready to experience real love; not everyone is ready to experience real love, but you are.’ Before you know it, you feel loved, special or chosen because of what they tell you. It’s spiritual honey that people flock to.
Until suddenly their shadow side, which they repressed because it doesn’t fit with their self-made image of spiritual specialness, becomes visible.
Like my personal experience at a ten-day silent retreat abroad about non-dualism. There was conversation about a field of unconditional love, loving and freedom of judgment. While this was happening, there was a loud concert nearby that was detracting from the silence. The aggravation and judgment poured from the depths of the teachers’ psyches, and the disapproving looks were easy to see all around. No-one is immune to judgments and it’s better to embrace them and deal with them effectively.
I’m ashamed a little to say it happened a moment to me, too. During one of my weeklong ‘Inner Nature’ retreats in the Belgian Ardennes, a participant asked to take a picture of me. In a fraction of a second, I felt flattered by her admiration and fed my ego, my spiritual ego. But fortunately a few moments later I became aware of what I just did to myself, letting myself be made ‘special.’ As if I was ‘more’ than the participant. Yuck! Luckily, I could let it go quickly. But what happens if you need this constant admiration to exist? Before you know it, this stealthy self-satisfaction takes over.
By consistently indicating that another person has less knowledge or fewer abilities than yourself, you elevate yourself above the other. I call it the seesaw-effect. Pushing the other down to end up in a higher place yourself. In that case power and not love has you in a death grip.
You can also emphasize your own successes, power, knowledge, and abilities without acknowledging your own failings and pitfalls. Better to keep those vulnerabilities locked up. Similar to a colleague who indicated that she had lived many lives, was very wise and could be more meaningful than others as an old soul.
If you’ve fallen into the Atlantis-trap, your aim is for a societally elevated leadership position. You don’t use this position as a temporary vehicle to inspire others with truth, justice, equality, or sincere love. No, above all you want to use it to show your own importance to society. Sometimes you choose to sit on a literal throne above others, instead of among people, as I experienced with the authorities at a silent retreat.
The benefits of these (spiritual) ego-authorities are that they can truly inspire you. They speak truths that we are sensitive to, and that we are often looking for. They say something that you agree with but that others are afraid to mention. You feel seen by them. Or, you gain valuable insights that you can really apply in your work or private life. They make you feel like you belong or are special. That’s what makes it so confusing.
But the cons and dangers are lurking below the surface and will come to light sooner or later. If you rely too much on an external authority, you give it power as you abandon your own sovereignty. Before you know it, you no longer know which of your thoughts are your own, versus those of the authority you believe in. A leader in any context can build their own cult just like that, with some of their followers prepared to murder others or themselves for it.
See, acknowledge, and turn it around.
To see, you have to dare to put your ego aside, otherwise you’ll remain in the trap. Look at yourself with 100% honesty and see that you:
“Dare to be a VUP (Very unimportant person)”
Acknowledge that this is happening to you, and that it is entirely your own doing. Your ego will resist the whole time, in order not to lose any ground. The brave authorities and truth-finders among us will dare to take this step.
Turn around your authority from self-gratification to simply being a temporary vehicle for equality, truth of the heart, justice, and love. Without any expectation that another will appreciate and admire you.
Protect yourself against spiritual egos. Remain yourself and never give up your own thoughts and sovereignty. Don’t always accept the teacher to be what they say they are. Follow your own compass and be a follower of yourself. The development of its own independence is one of the tasks facing the soul from the cradle to the grave.
Dare to leave, even if it is socially undesirable, if you are instructed to believe something that you can’t agree with. This is something I did myself during a break at a seminar put on by an organization that saw itself as the kingpin to change the entire world and patted itself on the chest about it. While at the same time they were themselves contributing to continuing the use of fossil fuels.
As the Gnostics said long ago, “Live the God within yourself.” Because from spirit and unconditional love everyone is chosen.
“Iedereen is uitverkoren!”
In large as well as small personal circles. By living and working more from universal consciousness, love, or what I call ‘spirit’, instead of from ego. You can find out more about this in my book “Spirited Personal Leadership.” You can view and download a free promo here: https://martinthoolen.com/publicaties/en
Or checkout this course: https://martinthoolen.com/en/service/master-module-persoonlijk-inspirerend-leiderschap/
© 2023: Martin Thoolen
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Vacation, at last! More peace, enjoyment and relaxation and an empty head, things that you don’t get around to at home. But is that really what you find? Because you take yourself with you on vacation and you may be confronted with yourself on vacation.
And how can your vacation provide even more inspiration?
IF THINGS GO DIFFERENTLY THAN EXPECTED, YOU ARE CONFRONTED WITH YOURSELF
You’re excited when you go on a trip, but immediately your inner peace is disturbed. Like when you end up in long traffic jams, take a wrong turn or your baggage doesn't show up at the airport. Or a filling station owner short-changes you 50 euros because he says you gave him 50 and not 100 euros, as I experienced myself.
Arriving at your vacation spot, you may sit and daydream on the beach when suddenly people next to you turn on loud music. Or you spend time waiting for a bus that never comes. You may wake up to a loud church bell in the morning, or hear the morning incantation coming from a mosque. Or maybe you get sick while on vacation. How much relaxation and enjoyment is there going to be then?
Inner peace is disturbed by irritations that arise from your own expectations.
Luck and bad luck, prosperity and adversity, both come to you in your life, even on vacation. Sneak up on your own thoughts and expectations daily, and allow them to be blown away on the breeze. Once you let go of your expectations of how your vacation should go, you'll have more fun and peace of mind. Whether it's about the journey itself or where you are on vacation. Try it, and then decide if it works for you.
“As soon as you let go of your expectations about how your holiday should go, you will have more fun and peace of mind”.
YOUR VACATION AS A RETREAT
Just getting away from everything. A little distance from your life and career. From a distance you can see the bigger picture. Because when you’re in the thick of it, you can't see it. Like your own blind spots in your relationships. Or the higher purpose for which you are doing something.
“From a distance you can see the bigger picture”.
If you focus on individual letters alone, you will not see the entire text. If, as a soccer player, you focus only on your opponents, you miss the spaces in between them, where you can pass them. Star player Lionel Messi can do this like no other. If you keep driving on the roundabout of your work and life, you miss landscapes, roads and adventures that can take you further. Dare to wander and you will get somewhere.
“Dare to wander and you will get somewhere”.
From a distance you can see more clearly whether you want to continue working like you were when you return. Like Johan for instance, who encountered a snail during a walking meditation in one of my earlier Retreats 'Inner Nature' in the Belgian Ardennes. He decided not to ignore it, in fact he even wondered about it for half an hour. In his very fiber he became aware of the breakneck speed at which he traveled through his daily work and life. And how much that exhausted him. Because of this deeply felt experience, he decided to set limits on his own work pressure and to make more room for a relaxed life alongside his career.
From a distance you can see how and whether you want to continue in your relationship(s) sooner. I once experienced this myself during a ten-day mindfulness training in Yenne, near the French Chambery. During a ball exercise, I watched a ball roll away from me and I couldn't help but think about the natural movement I was making away from my partner at the time. Painful, but inevitably healthy for my further soul development.
Make room for the things that matter in your life, muse, and above all make space and time to feel what your heart is telling you. This way your vacation will give you new clarity and show you new opportunities and healthy choices, which you would otherwise gloss over.
EXPERIENCING HEAVEN ON EARTH (SPIRIT/UNITY EXPERIENCES)
Do you know that feeling? When you are sitting on a hill or mountain top and you feel completely one with everything around you? Or you’re in a trance during a car ride and experience complete bliss? Or you are in the desert or jungle where there is no longer any separation between you and all the plants, animals and earth around you? You experience a deeply felt 'boost' of unconditional love and connection with the elements around you. All is well and heaven seems to be completely present on earth for a while.
These unity or spirit experiences are a cosmic nod to what has always been in the background, namely universal consciousness, or spirit. Only our ego often causes us to have fewer of these experiences than we actually desire.
How nice would it be if you could take this unity experience into your work and private life when you come back from vacation? And if that universal consciousness becomes more of a foreground than remaining in the background? Or as saxophonist John Coltrane once said: “Wherever you are, always leave a piece of heaven behind.” At work as well as in your private life when you get back.
"Wherever you are, always leave a piece of heaven behind.” -John Coltrane
If you want to know how universal consciousness or spirit becomes a bigger part of your work and life, check out the book 'Spirited Personal Leadership'. For more effective working, meaningful living, and a better world. View or order a copy here: https://www.amazon.com/Spirited-Personal-Leadership-effective-meaningful/dp/9090368027/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1T35YC0885VAQ&keywords=spirited+personal+leadership&qid=1689054493&sprefix=spirited+personal+leadershipaps225&sr=8-1
See the promotional copy and find out whether my book could help you.
©2023: Martin Thoolen
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How your intention can destroy and heal everything.
Your intention can destroy and heal everything. In people and between people. An ego-intention destroys more than you care to imagine. And a pure intention from the heart can heal everything. In all your business and private relationships. From which intention do you show yourself to others?
“Intention can destroy and heal everything”
You may have developed all kinds of social and leadership skills. On balance, everything comes down to the intention from which you do or say something. Such as asking questions, active listening, giving feedback, exploring when negotiating and dealing with conflict, and leadership skills. You can teach these and other useful social and communication skills, just like I gave my first training in this field at Utrecht University 35 years ago. But it won't make you a better person!
“Social and leadership skills won't make you a better person”
In fact, you can even subconsciously or consciously misuse these skills. It’s a potential pitfall, especially for coaches and trainers who use these skills in their work and private life. I’ve experienced this for myself a few times recently. Watch.
After years of being in a creative cocoon, at the end of 2022 it was time to come out, including the publication of my life's work (the book “Spirited Personal Leadership”). Out of pure joy about my discoveries, I wanted to share the information and I started looking for former colleagues and various agencies to work with. It was striking how many ego-walls I ran into.
For example, during a conversation with a former colleague who had read my book, I did not receive a single compliment, but instead only critical questions about it: "Did you come up with that yourself, those five tasks of the soul?" (Answer: “Yes”); “What is actually new about your book?” (Answer: "That it explains all three forces (ego, soul and spirit) in an understandable and applicable way and provides insight into how these forces determine all your choices and behavior, and how you can consciously use them").
Apart from these questions themselves, I was particularly curious about the intention behind the questions. It seemed that the questioner's ego had more of a hold on them than they realized. By only negatively criticizing the other person (me, in this case), you don't have to take them as seriously. In essence, you push the other person down to make yourself less miserable, which I call the "see-saw effect" in my new book: pushing the other person down energetically, physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually, in order to make yourself feel more elevated, and certainly not lower or less. Such an unconscious ego coup stems from five or so universal fears of falling short yourself, or of receiving or having received too little from the outside world:
The moment you meet and admire someone, you run the risk of (un)consciously pushing them down, even with an open question that is interview-technically fine in terms of form. Why? So that you don't feel inferior to them. From the fear of not being seen enough, you try to level yourself up by pushing the other person down.
The moment your ego, unbeknownst to you, has taken the driver’s seat, power games and greed take control of you. So that you feel like you still matter, and don't have to feel less valuable yourself. Your own physical, material, emotional, mental, or spiritual neediness takes over. In this case it would be the emotional need for equal appreciation or recognition.
Do you think these are exceptions? I experience it to be more the rule that the ego has a much stronger influence on people, coaches and trainers than is often recognized.
Two weeks ago I was discussing a possible collaboration with an temp agency. The founder whom I was supposed to talk to wasn’t there and two younger ladies took his place. I sat down and waited for them to introduce themselves, which never happened. They remained silent for about fifteen seconds, looking straight at me and saying nothing. I decided to break the silence and explained how I ended up there. At the end of my introduction, I was cut off, and one of the young directors said in a directive manner: “We want to conduct the conversation as follows: first we will share something personal about ourselves and then you will have 15 minutes to ask questions.”
When we got to the point where I was ‘allowed’ to ask questions, the following happened:
Me: “What does interim work look like for you?”
Agency: “Ordinary.”
M: “Can you clarify that?”
A: “Well, it’s nothing special.”
M: “If I tagged along with you for a day, what would I see you do?”
A: “All kinds of stuff.”
I discovered that my open and probing questions did not yield any new and valuable information. They also shared information about their hobbies, like modeling with clay and Thai boxing, which didn't give me any of the vital information that I asked for. A fragment:
A: “I am into Thai boxing.”
M: "Oh, that's pretty cool.” (said with a positive tone of admiration of strength)
A: “Well, don't you think that's normal then?” (said in a hen-pecked way)
Apart from the fact that basic conversation techniques were poorly applied, a distant and even hostile atmosphere towards me was particularly noticeable from the moment I stepped into the room. There was noreal openness, but instead power games were being played from the start. I was about to leave the 'meeting' early, because sometimes it's cowardly to go, but sometimes it's cowardly to stay.
Among other things, it raised the question for me: To what extent are people, including experienced coaches, trainers and interim managers, themselves aware of their own intention from which they speak, ask, do or don’t do something?
The intention can be directly tested against the characteristics of an oversized ego, or the characteristics of consciousness/spirit, as you see in my book. If not your ego, but spirit (or consciousness) has the upper hand, then you do or do not do something out of, among other things, curiosity, sincerity, openness, love and kindness. How could the previous two ‘meetings’ have turned out if the other conversation partner(s) had applied more spirit than ego?
Another colleague, talking about my book: “Gosh, what a job you have done. Can you tell me, how did you come across the five tasks for the soul?” (said with a sincere and friendly tone of curiosity). This way you get a much more open and real conversation, without ego clouding things up.
As yet another colleague (a senior coach/trainer) let me know, not from ego, but from spirit: “I was fascinated! It is written in an inviting way, not pedantically. It really makes an impact with the examples and exercises. Nicely designed too.
I'm going to use it as a manual. To recover from time to time or to reflect on a difficult situation, or just to be inspired.”
Temp agency manager: “Thank you for coming in on time. We would like to have the conversation in this way. Is that okay with you? What do you hope to get out of this conversation? What can I do to achieve that?" This way you get an adventurous exploration and a more pleasant exchange.
You can see how you can create much better work and private relationships and collaborations in no time coming from a different intention, namely spirit instead of ego.
But then, even as an experienced coach/trainer/interim manager or whatever, you must dare to keep looking in the mirror and learning.And doing that sometimes falls by the wayside over the years.
Are you aware of the intention from which you ask someone a question? From your heart or from power, from love or from fear? If you are completely honest with yourself, you can do a twist that makes the immediate world around you better and a bit more fun.
Take a look at my book 'Spirited Personal Leadership' here. For more effective work, meaningful living and a better world. View or order a copy here: https://www.amazon.com/Spirited-Personal-Leadership-effective-meaningful/dp/9090368027/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1T35YC0885VAQ&keywords=spirited+personal+leadership&qid=1689054493&sprefix=spirited+personal+leadershipaps225&sr=8-1
See the promotional copy and find out whether my book could help you.
Check the new Master’s Course – Spirited Personal Leadership - here:
©2023: Martin Thoolen
#spiritedpersonalleadership #personalleadership #spiritedleadership #mastercoursespiritedpersonalleadership #coaching #training #egomanagement #ego #soulwork
I frequently lose sight of things. I feel fatigued. A persistent sensation I have had for months. Actually, it is getting worse. As if my light is gradually dimming. And, by the way, am I still doing what I believe in? Am I not allowing myself to be affected too much by what others think?
Who or what actually controls my life and career. In short, what is my compass?
Find your compass and regain control with personal leadership.
As an individual you can exercise personal leadership at three levels that not everyone is aware of. But they do have an enormous effect. My new book 'Personal Spirited Leadership' ( to appear in English in March 2023) explains that there are three forces that determine all your choices and behaviour, namely: your ego, your soul and awareness (spirit). Your interior (ego and soul) affects your exterior behaviour and the choices that you make.
© 2022: Martin Thoolen: Model ‘Personal Spirited Leadership'
A vital starting point when regaining control over your life is knowing that you are responsible for your own welfare. Without awareness, long term negative stress can cause burnouts. How do you prevent this? By consciously using three fundamental intervention levels:
The basic energy that enables you to keep whistling on your way to work when your soul feels 'at home' at work. You work with enthusiasm and passion, and your innate talents are utilised or enhanced - your job offers you challenges that motivate you.
Echter sommige werkomgevingen zijn uitgedroogd voor je of zelfs toxisch, daar waar anderen vruchtbaarder voor je ontwikkeling zijn. Soms is het laf om te gaan, maar soms laf om te blijven. Soms zijn aanpassingen van de functie toereikend om deze bezieling weer te activeren of een andere plek in de organisatie. Soms ook niet. Pak je dit niet aan, dan zal dit sluimerende ongenoegen vroeg of laat toch weer naar voren komen.
Experience has taught me that most people who suffer a burnout have a strong ego identification with their inner pleaser, pusher and/or perfectionist (the 3 Ps). If you fail to balance these basic forces another burnout will occur before too long. And they are not always easy to prevent. This is certainly true if your ego is stubbornly searching for permanent external recognition or approval or fears deficiency. However, creating a healthy balance and long-term durability requires you giving being/relaxation side of your ego more space. And that requires ego management, where you make choices involving well-considered sacrifices.
You increase the essential relaxation and extra time by applying stress and time management knowledge and skills. There is often a great deal to be gained by recognising (but above all acknowledging and taking the appropriate action) the stress signals that you feel and applying useful time management tips, such as setting priorities effectively.
Take a look at the book ‘Spirited Personal Leadership.’ For more effective work, a meaningful life and a better world. https://www.amazon.com/Spirited-Personal-Leadership-effective-meaningful/dp/9090368027/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1T35YC0885VAQ&keywords=spirited+personal+leadership&qid=1689054493&sprefix=spirited+personal+leadershipaps225&sr=8-1
See the promotional copy and find out whether my book could help you.
Check the new Master’s Course – Personal Spirited Leadership - here:.
©2022: Martin Thoolen
#personalleadership #inspiredleadership #spiritedpersonalleadership #mastercoursespritedpersonalleadership #coaching #training
Who am I? A question that will confront you in your work or life sooner or later. Particularly during career or life crises. Why wait? Why is it useful to know who you are right now? Because you often have much more in you, than you believe to be the case. Once you know this, you can make effective, useful and conscious choices that are true to you. Both with regard to how you work and your career, and your day-to-day and life choices.
If someone is asked who they are, what is a common response? A description, like: ‘I am a manager, 35 years old, academically educated, with an income, married to Y, residing in Amsterdam and am a determined, sometimes stubborn, but sincere person.’ In short, a list of characteristics. What, then, are the characteristics with which we identify that you see in the model below?
Your ego is highly skilled at identifying itself with all kinds of socially acceptable aspects of 'being'. Most people search for ways to gain recognition, appreciation, approval and love, or to belong to something and be special, and people who can fulfil these needs. These are the universal desires for and fears of a deficiency to which the ego responds.
That quest for recognition still takes place every day if you lacked it during your youth or later in life. And before you know it you make your feelings of self-esteem and wellbeing dependent on socially and societally desirable identifications that applaud you for your presence. This gives you the feeling that you are not alone and share something with like-minded people. You feel supported and that you matter. And that is the great desire of the soul striving for a right to exist. For example, you consistently see that people can become extremely attached to things. Examples:
If you identify with a personality type, ‘The Psychology of Selves’ and Voice Dialogue can reveal new possibilities. You can then see your ego as an ego bus on which your thoughts, feelings, behaviour and choices are controlled by constantly changing combinations of ego passengers. For example, your pleaser will sometimes make other choices than your inner warrior. Imagine if you were able to make more use of the 'silent passengers' on your ego bus. Wake them up and use them.
Beyond the ego with all of the social personas (social masks) there is a deeper layer of purity, passion, pain, joy, dedication, open-mindedness and spontaneity that enrich your work and life, namely: your soul. Every soul, including yours, is charged with five tasks that enable you to get the best from yourself from the cradle to the grave. They entail:
1. growth in awareness through felt experiences.
2. developing sovereignty over your own existence.
3. healing soul pain.
4. living with soul joy.
5. bringing original talents and dreams to life.
But there is even more!
Beyond ego and soul there is another power that is responsible for everything that is created, exists and disappears. This means that it is also responsible for how you make choices and behave. It is impossible to describe something that actually cannot be expressed in words. This is why the list below includes nine (holistic) approach routes for an essential power that simultaneously provides the solution when we wonder how we can create a better society. In one word: spirit. get to know this power, which has always been and will always remain present in your core.
Spirit is typified by aspects including the following.
1. all-encompassing awareness.
2. universal, driving life force & natural cycles.
3. life, unconditional love & neutrality.
4. awareness of abundance & willingness to share.
5. no time, development or management, but free will and here and now.
6. equality & equal rights.
6. equality & equal rights.
8. truth of the heart.
9. unity, source, interconnection & synchronicity.
My new book ‘Personal Spirited Leadership’ (to be released in English in March 2023) explains how you can use them in practice with practical cases and exercises. And when you use your awareness or spirit more:
Who are you then? The answer depends on your perspective. If your ego takes the lead it will use all kinds of ego labels and ego passengers. If you work and live primarily from the soul you are your true self, without make-up. Uninhibited, spontaneous, original, creative and pure. With your spirit at the helm, you are actually absolutely nothing…and everything, simultaneously.
By regaining control and letting your light shine with personal inspiring leadership. However, you can implement personal leadership at three levels, which determine all your choices and behaviour. Namely: Your ego, your soul and awareness (spirit). Your interior (ego and soul) affects your exterior behaviour and the choices you make.
Take a look at the book ‘Spirited Personal Leadership.’ For more effective work, a meaningful life and a better world. https://www.amazon.com/Spirited-Personal-Leadership-effective-meaningful/dp/9090368027/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1T35YC0885VAQ&keywords=spirited+personal+leadership&qid=1689054493&sprefix=spirited+personal+leadershipaps225&sr=8-1
See the promotional copy and find out whether my book could help you.
Would you like to personally experience how you can gain more control over your work and life?
Check the new Master’s Course – Spirited Personal Leadership - here:https://martinthoolen.com/en/service/master-module-persoonlijk-inspirerend-leiderschap/
©2023: Martin Thoolen
#personalleadership #inspiredleadership #spiritedpersonalleadership #mastercoursespritedpersonalleadership #coaching #training
Here we go again. The Christmas dinner is on the horizon, but how do we keep it really fun?
Odd, isn’t it? Christmas, a time of peace, but we can still argue at the dinner table – before, during and after. But things can be different, and you can help to make this difference!
You already start walking on eggshells during the preparation. After all, you start thinking:
These mindsets, which you cling to and can last for years, come from somewhere. They are ego roles and family roles that you have known in yourself and each other for a very long time. And sometimes they have been reinforced over the years.
However, it is precisely these familiar old mind-sets that ensure that we are more likely to start a war than cultivate peace at the Christmas dinner table. Sometimes simply in in our thoughts about each otherbut sometimes also in words and gestures.. A self-fulfilling prophec to which you contribute by continuing to think in that way. Pity, because things can be done differently. And you play the leading role in this. Contributing to peace on earth, right where you are. Take a look.
Look at your own mindsets, let go.
and simply ask yourself the question: ‘Is that so?’ eigen mindsets en stel jezelf simpelweg de vraag: ‘Is dat zo?’
Like: ‘I have known him/her my entire life.’ Is that so? No, of course not, because you don’t see them every single second. You simply don’t know what someone else says, does or shares in another way, without your involvement. You have always only seen a part of your father, mother, brother, sister or child.
However, experiences in families quickly lead us to stick ego labels on each other, such as them always being difficult, egoistic, antisocial, cynical, insolent, rude, etc. And there were undoubtedly reasons for this. But do you want to stay in the same place? A place of conflict? And can you see and approach the other part of your family?
Let go of that place for a while at Christmas. Try approaching your brother, sister, father, mother or child from a new place with a fresh, new mindset and try the following 10 tips below. And don’t make any prejudgements.
Try these tips and I predict that you will feel much happier during the Christmas season.
Would you like to learn other ways, big or small, to contribute to a better world?
At home or at work? Take a look at this Christmas present – the book ‘Personally Inspiring Leadership.’ For more effective work, a meaningful life and a better world. View or order a copy here:
See the promotional copy and find out whether my book could help you.
Would you like to personally experience how you, as a manager, professional or administrator can make a better team, organisation or world?
Check the new Master’s Course – Spirited Personal Leadership - here:
©2022: Martin Thoolen
#personalleadership #inspiredleadership #spiritedpersonalleadership #mastercoursespritedpersonalleadership #coaching #training
You are incredibly busy. Every day. Absent team members are really inconvenient for you.
Always, actually.
Because you still want to achieve those team goals and help your organisation thrive. Without putting too much pressure on your team. How can you, as a manager, prevent burnouts? Or significantly reduce them in any case? So that team members don't collapse but are able to continue working for you. You can do a great deal, but this does require a new approach. Because you, in your position as manager or administrator, have enormous influence over this situation.
You are well aware of what burnouts cost your team: money, extra time spent on transfers and reduced job satisfaction, team spirit and team results.
“Burn-out is a massive energy drain in your team and organisation”
Everybody has their limits. Without exception. That's what makes us human, not robots. Two of the nine characteristics of awareness in my new book ‘Personally Inspiring Leadership,’ are: embracing the polarities (including exertion versus relaxation) and respecting natural cycles. If you follow these natural laws as a leader you will keep your team or organisation dynamic and durable.
In your role as manager, do you accept, listen and act appropriately for what you ask from your team members? That they must achieve targets and carry out (extra) tasks. But is this how you treat their vulnerabilities as people? Even if that is less beneficial for your bottom line? In short, do you embrace both the strengths and vulnerabilities of your team?
In concrete terms do you recognise the signs of physical and mental stress in your staff? Do you know what they are? Or do you keep distance and pay them scant attention? See what happens if you approach them more often or telephone to ask them how they really feel, making sure that you break through the barrier of social acceptability. Then you might be in time to head off burnouts.
If your team members are then honest enough to say that it is actually too much for them, acknowledge their negative stress? Because it is all too easy to minimise or justify the stress signals sent by your colleagues and fail to take action. Why? Because it might be inconvenient for you.
After rain comes sunshine, comes rain, comes sunshine, comes rain, etc. After inhalation comes exhalation, comes inhalation, comes exhalation, etc. After exertion comes relaxation, comes exertion, comes relaxation, etc
These natural cycles typify natural life itself and keep us energetic and durable. And this also applies to your team or organisation. There is just one thing that can completely work against this and cause systematic negative stress in you or your team: ego fed by fear. Experience reveals that three ego passengers in people totally ignore natural laws: your inner pleaser, pusher and perfectionist. They may encourage us to go on for longer and worker harder than our body can handle, until the lights go out. Because those who don't want to hear must feel. A terrible pity.
If you don't allow your ego as a leader to constantly dominate you and your team members you will open the door to team vitality and durability. If you respect necessary relaxation and vulnerability your leadership will be so much more effective in the long run.
Would you like to know how to recognise and acknowledge stress signals from your team members and how to deal with them effectively? Would you like to learn practical ways to strengthen team spirit as a buffer to stress?
On 12 January from 4 AM to 4 AM, I will be holding a Webinar for administrators, school heads and internal facilitators in cooperation with Leeruniek: Team vitality and durability.
Yes, please contact me [email protected]. or call/app me on: +31-6-15620111
In a free orientation we can look how I can be at your service.
Take a look at this Christmas present: the book ‘Personally Inspiring Leadership.’ For more effective work, a meaningful life and a better world. View or order a copy here:
(English book will appear in the beginning of 2023). Click on Fragment to see the promotional copy and find out whether my book could help you.
Or experience in person how you can improve your work/life balance with the new Personally Inspiring Leadership Master's Course:
©2022: Martin Thoolen
#persoonlijkinspirerendleiderschap #persoonlijkleiderschap #inspirerendleiderschap #mastercoursepersoonlijkinspirerendleiderschap #coaching #training #egomanagement #ego #stress #stressmanagement #werkdruk #burnout #vitaliteit
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