How often do you hear people say, “That’s just the way I am”? You hear it at work, and you hear it at home. But is it actually a good thing? Just last week, I heard both a client and a professional contact use this phrase—the latter in reference to her partner.
This conviction can bring a great sense of relief, but it can just as easily create additional tension or even lead to destructive outcomes—whether in a professional team or at home with loved ones. So, what is the best way to handle it? Let’s take a look.
The positive aspect is that it can be a form of self-acceptance. When you say it to yourself or others—and truly accept your shortcomings, your "shadow" sides, and your unpleasant habits—you are acknowledging that they exist, and that’s okay; they are simply part of the picture. There is something wonderful about allowing these traits to exist fully, without the pressure to change anything about yourself. “That’s just the way I am.” Imagine that: complete, unconditional self-acceptance. Just writing it down makes me feel a sense of relief.
Self-compassion and self-forgiveness are beautiful spiritual values to live by—concepts we see, for instance, in Buddhism. Yet, all too often, people are far too hard on themselves. During my training in the United States, Hal Stone—the co-founder of the “Psychology of Selves & Voice Dialogue”—explained that the “inner critic” is particularly strong within the Dutch psyche, a trait likely rooted in our cultural and historical connection to Calvinism. But this isn’t unique to the Dutch; it is an “ego-passenger” that resides within all of us. It acts as a conscience that keeps you sharp, ensuring you remain open to feedback and capable of visibly learning from it. But in many cases—such as with ‘imposter syndrome’—it’s constantly on your back, cutting you down with negative self-criticism. This unnecessarily amplifies your insecurity and chips away at your self-confidence.
In such instances, self-compassion acts as a balm for your soul; it is far better to offer yourself a kiss than a rap on the Head.
“Better a kiss than a rap on the head”
But is it infinitely good?
And doesn’t self-compassion sometimes come at the expense of compassion for others—for those around us—as we see emphasized in Christianity, Judaism, and Islam?
The ugly aspect of identifying with the notion that "this is just who I am" is that it can polarize interactions with others and even lead to destructive or dangerous behavior. One of my clients mentioned that their organization was undergoing a restructuring, requiring new competencies. Beyond simply maintaining technical proficiency in one’s role, there was now a need for effective collaboration with colleagues. One team member, who had been with the company for 30 years, felt he had long since proven his worth and that no one had any business telling him how to do his job—after all, he knew the ropes better than anyone.
When asked to learn back-office tasks as well, he resisted. Having spent years exclusively in front-office roles—tasks he believed he performed well—he dug in his heels, despite the fact that some of his colleagues saw things differently. When the general manager urged him to learn the back-office functions (to ensure operational continuity during colleagues' absences), he gave the middle finger and declared, "I’m not doing this, and I can’t change—this is just who I am." His resistance created a hostile atmosphere within the team; his surly glares and cynical remarks made the environment less psychologically safe for others to open up or share their thoughts.
Another client shared that she had always cared for her partner by adopting a nurturing, maternal role. She carried this same dynamic into her workplace, which drained a tremendous amount of her energy—eventually leading to burnout and forcing her to take time off work. When she asked her son and husband to clean up their own messes, coordinate the use of the shared car themselves, and take on other responsibilities, they resisted. She was met with accusations and expressions of anger. She then asked her partner, in a friendly manner, if he would be willing to change this, to which he replied, “No, this is just the way I am…” Her response was: “In that case, perhaps I should pack my bags.”
The danger of strongly identifying with the "this is just who I am" mindset is that you are, in effect, writing your own spiritual epitaph. You have carved your identity in stone, anchored by the rigid conviction that you no longer need to evolve or change—even though change is one of the few certainties in life. Rivers, trees, the alignment of the stars—everything changes, constantly. Are we, as human beings, any different? Do we always remain exactly the same?
Of course not. Your body is in a constant state of flux, as are your mental state and your personal and professional development. You are never truly the same person from one moment to the next, because change is a constant.
People only resist change and natural growth when it threatens their own ego-driven interests—such as their desire for comfort, privilege, power, wealth, or fame. And that is precisely what occurred in both of the cases mentioned.
This "this is just who I am" identity becomes a blank check, allowing you to act in whatever way suits you best, even when it comes at the expense of others. You close yourself off to the kind of constructive criticism that could actually foster your growth and development as a human being. You might say "yes," but your actions say "no." You create greater polarization between yourself and others. Where, then, is the compassion for those around you?
Use it
When and how can the "that’s just the way I am" identity be helpful? It can be useful when you feel that you’re never doing well enough yourself. Use this perspective to counter excessive negative self-criticism—accept that things don’t have to be perfect and that making mistakes is a way to learn. Remind yourself that you are a work in progress—like a river, constantly flowing—and that it is perfectly okay to be exactly where you are right now.
Let it go
If you frequently receive valid, well-founded criticism from various people, it’s time to let go of that defensive identity. Be open to hearing constructive feedback; use it to grow into a better, more pleasant person—both for yourself and for those around you.
If you are unable or unwilling to do so, that is also your prerogative. In that case, however, choose to step away from relationships or situations that no longer align with who you are. This allows you to be yourself without becoming a burden to others.
What if someone keeps saying it?
Confront the person with the impact of this statement. Explain how their behavior affects you personally. If they persist and remain closed to change, consider stepping away—at least for a while. Perhaps the absence will be felt so keenly that they become willing to change, returning with a fresh, open mindset and a readiness for visible growth. If not, then parting ways is better than staying together—whether in the workplace or at home.
After all, as Peter Delahay once noted, sometimes it is an act of cowardice for a soul to leave, but at other times, it is an act of cowardice to stay.
I wish you the measured wisdom to handle it the next time you hear this phrase come up again.
Martin
© 2026: Martin Thoolen
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