How often have we heard it: you have to get rid of your ego! Leave it at the door! But is that actually true? Or can you use ego as a tool to give substance to your inspiration and talents, or even unconditional love and universal consciousness?
If there were to be a God, why would humans have been born with or develop an ego even at a very early age? Even some babies in the cradle sometimes show more ego than others even though ego seem to be more absent than in adults. For example, about what they do or don't want. One of the functions of our ego is to set boundaries.
In a world where egos don't exist, the argument that you have to get rid of your ego would be useful. But we live on Earth with an ever-increasing ego density. Just look around you. A young university student recently told me during a coaching session that performing better than others and quickly building a strong curriculum are of the utmost importance, even if it comes at the expense of others or your health. Even in politics, one's own curriculum seems to have become more important than serving the common interest. Welcome to the world of ego.
To avoid being drowned in the ego games or the ego violence of others or ego systems, it's actually beneficial to develop a measured ego.
In some non-dualistic movements, however, you have to get rid of your ego. Bloody dangerous, I'd say. The founder of Voice Dialogue, Hal Stone, once told me during a training with him and his wife Sidra at their home in California: "Martin, you can go to any ashram in India you like, as long as you bring your inner protector with you. That way, you can go when it doesn't feel right anymore."
Moreover, over the past 35 years, I've observed a strong spiritual ego in several gurus from both the East and West of the world. For example, at a 10-day Silent Retreat abroad, where the gurus literally positioned themselves on a decorated King and Queen throne above the participants. This, despite the fact that there weren't that many participants. Equal? Spirit and universal consciousness don't know a hierarchy, do they?
When a band started playing outside the retreat location, the silence was somewhat disturbed. The teachers' fierce looks and charged remarks betrayed the presence of a powerful "judgmental force" who suddenly appeared like a devil out of a box. That didn’t look really judgment-free?
So pay attention, especially to those who think or say they've transcended their ego. It could very well be different.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of non-dualism, which gives a deeply connected sense of peace with yourself and truly everything around you. I've experienced it myself. But I also believe in multi-dimensionality here on Earth. We are all invited to learn to deal with the ego’s and egosystems around us that are simply present as well as our own ego as a part of our consious learning. And develop it in such a way that ideally universal consciousness (spirit), your soul, and a balanced ego can go hand in hand.
“We are all invited to learn to deal with the ego’s and egosystems around us that are simply present as well as our own ego as a part of our consious learning. And develop it in such a way that ideally universal consciousness (spirit), your soul, and a balanced ego can go hand in hand”
But what is ego, actually? What are the advantages of a balanced ego? How can it help you, but also hinder you?
Ego is the "I" with which you distinguish yourself from others, but sometimes also separate yourself with. It's the "I" with which you identify, as if "this is how I am." You identify with certain forms within and outside yourself. Such as your name, your nationality, your origins, your profession, your personal qualities, etc. Wherever you put the word "mine," it reveals itself. My country, my house, my characteristics, etc. Nothing wrong with that in itself, until you have become too attached to these identifications and do not want to let them go.
What are some benefits of ego?
Protection:
Some things that come your way are unsafe or can unnecessarily hurt your soul. Whether material, physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. Setting boundaries, creating distance, or leaving helps you avoid remaining a victim of unpleasant invasions or bad situations.
Visibility:
Too little ego can lead to you not seeing yourself as worthwhile enough or not showing the talents you have to offer. How can you be seen if you don't show yourself? Your individuality, soul color and original talents come to light when you develop a balanced ego.
“How can you be seen if you don't show yourself?”
Strategic insight and action:
In the absence of the inner strategist in your ego, you easily become a victim of the ego games of others. Not everyone is aware about the consequences of their actions or their behaviors for you, or dont have good intentions for you or want to use you for their own gain. If you realize this, you won't let yourself be drained by the needs of others. So it's important to be sufficiently aware of this and develop a sufficient ego for it.
There are even more benefits to an aware and well-managed ego, such as maintaining a balance between work and personal life, balancing effort and relaxation, and being gentler with yourself and others. Because everything you're allergic to is also within you, just in different forms.
The ego hinders you when it overshoots and you are unconsciously controlled by a lack of self-reflection, ignorance, fear of shortage, greed, status, material possessions, self-interest, and power. In the book "Spirited Personal Leadership," you will find eight roles you can become entangled in when the ego takes over:
Before you know it, you are unknowingly driven by these roles because they temporarily fuel your self-worth. This is usually due to a hidden fear of not being seen or appreciated enough, of having too little, or of not receiving approval or acceptance from others.
If these roles primarily drive you, you become disconnected from the universal consciousness or spirit that can give you the following: internal and external peace, true connection from the heart, contentment, joy, vitality, and optimal talent development.
How do you ensure your ego doesn't grow too large or too little? In a way that it does not it hinder you, but helps you?
Underlying your behavior, your ego is often controlled by your personality, or "personas," as Swiss psychologist Carl Jung called them. These are also translated as social masks.
You can think of your ego as a personal bus that is—usually unconsciously—driven by your own ego passengers. Depending on who's behind the wheel, you think differently, look differently, feel differently, behave differently, and choose differently.
This theory comes from the founders of the "Psychology of Selves & Voice Dialogue," Hal & Sidra Stone, in whom I was trained by in the USA. They indicate that getting to know your primary selves, which often determine your behavior, will throw you off balance if you don't get to know, invite, and manage the secondary passengers in the back of your ego bus or trailer.
Hal & Sidra Stone & Martin
If you primarily live from your pleaser, perfectionist, and pusher side, you're ripe for burnout because you've neglected your more relaxed self for too long. Invite your secondary ego passenger to 10% of your time, dare to step outside your primary comfort zone, and you'll already have more balance.
If, as a leader, you lead primarily from your inner patriarch, you elevate yourself and infantilize the potential below you. However, if you're open to criticism and act on it, share it equally with your people, and empower them, team spirit can flourish. Even if it's only 10% more.
"Don't deny your own ego, get to know it, and learn to manage it."
In short, balance and moderation are the key words for which a continuous necessary self-reflection is required: Don't deny your own ego, get to know it, and learn to manage it. In this way, your ego, alongside your body, becomes a functional instrument for shaping your inspiration, your individuality, and your original talents. It also serves as a vehicle for functionally embodying commonality and "true" connection. Then your ego brings you a great deal.
Experience the Voice Dialogue method in training or coaching and ask for a free online-intake here. Or take a look at the book: Spirited Personal Leadership. Scroll down a bit to the orange input field and download a FREE promotional copy of the book.
I wish you a wonderful development where your ego serves your soul and spirit.
Martin
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© 2025: Martin Thoolen
How often have we've not heard it, and how often does the voice still resonate within you: “Just act normal, that's crazy enough; fit in; don't be so weird; be polite; don't stand out.”
According to the founders of the “Psychology of Selves & Voice Dialogue,” Hal & Sidra Stone, who trained me in the USA, the voice of the (inner) critic is nowhere as loud in the world as it is in the Netherlands. Fueled by Calvinism as a collective ego belief, we have sometimes made each other and ourselves smaller than who we essentially are. As a result, our potential has sometimes not fully come to light and some talents remain buried. Both in our work and in our private life.
Through messages from early and late authorities whose disapproval we do not want, we have banished our soul color with its original talents to the realm of darkness.
Of course, it is good to be critical of yourself, so that you are open to feedback and engage in self-reflection and thus continue to learn. Without this, you can be as damaging as an unscrupulous elephant walking through other people's china shops. However, if your critic goes too far, it makes you unnecessarily small, timid, paralyzed, or insecure. And your self-confidence goes down the drain. That does not do justice to your original raison d'être, to your soul that wants to live and express itself naturally.
HOW DO YOU GET RID OF AN OVERLY INNER CRITIC VOICE?
One solution is to ‘moderate’ your inner critic. Another solution is to activate your own soul color and your original proven or hidden talents. The latter is about empowerment, something they know more about in America. However, if that goes too far and the critic remains absent and no lessons are learned from one's own mistakes, it can also lead to unnecessary or even destructive consequences. In short, it's all about balance and moderation, which is something we can learn from each other's cultures.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE MORE YOURSELF AND NOT JUST ORDINARY?
Then take a look here, scroll down a little to the orange field and download a FREE promotional copy of the book: Spirited Personal Leadership. Scroll down a bit to the orange input field and download a FREE promotional copy of the book.
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© 2025: Martin Thoolen
During my travels around the world, I received inspiration from unexpected encounters that I'd like to share with you. This time: ‘Coaching Native Americans Shows What We Have In Common’.
Jaren geleden was ik betrokken bij een 10-daags ceremonieel event van Canadese ‘First Nations Natives’ op het eiland Bella Bella aan de Westkust van Canada. Een onvergetelijke ervaring, vooral ook door de ontdekkingen die ik opdeed in het coachen van een aantal ‘First Nations Natives’.
I volunteered my services as a psychologist/coach and invited people to what I then called ‘Healing Talks’. I made a makeshift flyer to invite people. And miraculously, young and old people came to me, from whom I could learn more than I could from them. For they carried generations of wisdom that many, including myself, had long been cut off from. Nevertheless, they showed their appreciation for my listening ear and interventions.
One of my memories is of a young woman who had experienced incest, which deeply hurt her. She hadn't even talked about it with anyone out of shame! She had closed herself off to further contact with men, but she wasn't happy with that either. After sharing her story and hearing some of my suggestions for further action, she was visibly relieved.
An older Chief who came to me for help had previously been to a well-known psychologist with many titles in Vancouver. Upon arrival, she scolded him for being a few minutes late and forgot about him: "Who do you think you are!" His faith in mental health services had vanished like snow in the sun. Initially, he was very reserved with me, but his curiosity won, and afterward, I received an unforgettable hug.
What also became clear from the other coaching sessions? Even though we have cultural differences, we are all essentially the same. They too are people with egos, with wounds in their soul baggage that they carry and shape. They too have bright and dark sides, which sometimes lead to violence and crime. They too believe in a creative force that connects us, which they often describe as "Great Spirit." No difference.
These experiences have strengthened my belief that ego, soul, and spirit (consciousness) are universal keys to self-development, leading to greater inner and outer peace. You'll find this in my book "Spirited Personal Leadership." https://martinthoolen.com/en/publicaties/
"Even though we have cultural differences, we are all essentially the same"
How wonderful it is when we can look at the "person" behind culture, behind history, behind religion, behind the professional, behind every role we play in life and work. Then we can truly connect with ourselves and each other.
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
#worldinspirations #travelstoriesmartinthoolen #spirit #synchroniciteit #synchronicity #firstnations © 2022: Martin Thoolen #personalleadership #inspiredleadership #spiritedpersonalleadership #mastercoursespritedp[ersonalleadership #peace #peaceonearth #coaching #training #personalleadership #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #personalleadership #leiderschap #spiritueelleiderschap #spiritedleadership #executivecoaching #leiderschap #leiderschapsontwikkeling #teamcoaching #collectiefleiderschap #professionalcoaching #coaching #businesscoaching#psychologyofselves #voicedialogue #egozielspirit #egosoulspirit #awarenessatwork #martinthoolen
On Sunday, September 21st, I was interviewed by Sander de Wijs about my book "Spirited Personal Leadership": What a wonderful meeting. About the forces that guide our behavior and choices, such as ego, soul, and consciousness. How you can make your own life and work more positive in these dark times.
If you'd like to hear about it, take a look here:
I hope it resonates with you too. And if you've heard it, I'd love to hear what you think, so please let me know. Warm regards and, above all, happy listening! Best regards, Martin
During my travels around the world, I found inspiration from unexpected meetings that I'd like to share with you. This time: 'What the Rainbow Shows and The forgotten Light’.
Years ago, I was sailing on a ferry from England to Ireland. Imagine: cold, gray sky, gloomy decorations on the ship, drizzly, fog banks, rain and hours of sailing. It all looked a bit gloomy. After a few hours I started daydreaming. I looked outside and suddenly saw the sun peeping through the fog banks. And suddenly there was a crystal-clear rainbow.
I could only watch, until a voice out of nowhere told me: ‘All religions and individual souls are like colors of the rainbow. As one rises above the other, we contribute to inner and outer wars. The white, forgotten sunlight reminds us of what we have in common and where we come from and are going together.
Once we live with the common values of spirit (such as love, peace, tolerance, coexistence, forgiveness and wisdom), which you find in all religions, we make a true connection, with respect, and can create paradise on earth.'
“Spirit knows no hierarchy or exclusion”
Spirit knows no hierarchy or exclusion. If you work and live from a place of equality and inclusion, a whole (new) world will open up for you.
Here’s a short impression of some of my journeys of discovery..
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
#worldinspirations #travelstoriesmartinthoolen #spirit #synchroniciteit #synchronicity © 2022: Martin Thoolen #personalleadership #inspiredleadership #spiritedpersonalleadership #mastercoursespritedp[ersonalleadership #peace #peaceonearth #coaching #training #personalleadership #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #personalleadership #leiderschap #spiritueelleiderschap #spiritedleadership #executivecoaching #leiderschap #leiderschapsontwikkeling #teamcoaching #collectiefleiderschap #professionalcoaching #coaching #businesscoachin #psychologyofselves #voicedialogue #awarenessatwork #martinthoolen
Truly listening to one other has become a rare commodity. Yet, 'deep listening' is a crucial key to moving beyond polarization towards harmony. Did you know that there are multiple levels of listening that can help you? But what are they, and what does each level give you and others? As an individual or in a team at work, but also in life together as people and nations? The benefits are enormous. Just take a look.
Listening to yourself is essential. But not if it comes at the expense of effectively listening to others. When that happens you don't build bridges of connection and true harmony. And it is precisely the latter that often proves to be neglected in practice, due to listening too much or only to yourself. That is why the focus of this article is on listening to others.
Deep listening means being able and willing to listen effectively to others at the following four levels: luisteren naar de ander:
© 2022: Model for Spirited Personal Leadership from the book of the same name (author: Martin Thoolen)
At every level of listening, there are pitfalls that you can unknowingly fall into, but also solutions to overcome them. This paves the way to achieving harmony with each other. Before I explain this, I'll first show you what deep listening gives you and what it requires of you.
Do you know that feeling when you don't feel heard or seen by someone? Whether it's your boss, colleague, or partner. Pretty annoying, right? Then you also know how important it is for someone else to truly listen to you.
If you expect that from someone else, why wouldn't you do the same for them? Because if you just wait for your turn to be heard and then you don’t listen to what the other has to say, you perpetuate polarization and the divide between you and the other person.
So, if you do truly listen to others, you come closer together. Mutual understanding is then more likely to arise. Then there will be no more heavy hearts, but relief and relaxation and (renewed) trust and harmony can arise. At every level: with your family, relatives, or neighbors. With your employees, stakeholders, and managers. With each other as people.
But that doesn't happen automatically. It demands something from you, but it also yields a great deal.
If you don't do this, you're more likely to perpetuate attitudes or to reinforce polarization with others. It's just like driving a car. Someone starts tailgating. They've started, but what do you actually do now? Slow down; brake; stay in front of the tailgater longer than necessary; give the middle finger; roll down the window and yell; run them off the road?
You are 100% responsible for absolutely all your own thoughts and behavior, regardless of what anyone else does.
“You are 100% responsible for absolutely all your own thoughts and behavior, regardless of what anyone else does.”
If you are ready and willing to do what is asked of you, the heavens can open for you
As mentioned, there are four levels of listening, from superficial to deep, each with its own pitfalls and solutions.
Listening starts with being silent and listening to the other person. And that can sometimes be quite difficult when you are emotional, feeling hurt, or wanting to get your point across. What helps with this is to be aware of the amount of time you are speaking during the conversation with someone. How much space do you actually give the other person? How often do you pause? How often do you invite the other person instead of telling your own story
Also pay attention to "coat-hanger" behavior. This is when you listen to someone and they say something you recognize, something you're touched by, or something you wanted to say yourself. Before you know it, you're attaching your own story to the other person's story, to their coat-hanger. And listening is gone, and you leave the other person out in the cold.
A slightly deeper level of listening arises when you show the other person that you're understanding them, also called "active listening." A basic communication skill for which I gave dozens of training sessions in the first years of my career. Nonverbally, you remain silent and give the other person space, nodding or humming positively, encouraging them to continue talking. And your posture expresses engagement with the other person. Verbally, you ask open-ended questions, probe to learn more about the other person's motivations, and provide periodical questioning summaries of what you thought you understood them to be saying. This makes the other person feel heard more quickly.
It's essential to carefully observe the other person's nonverbal signals and ask further questions, as these often reveal their true feelings. If someone frowns and says, "Fine," ask why. If someone angrily says, "Okay then," comment, "You sound a bit angry. Do you really want to do that?" This will help you get to the heart of the matter.
Research shows that 7% of verbal communication is determined by words, 35% by tone, and 55% by all remaining nonverbal cues. So avoid emails and apps where these signals can easily slip by, but pick up the phone or visit each other to achieve harmony.
"Avoid emails and apps, but pick up the phone or visit each other to achieve harmony."
Active listening only truly brings harmony when it's delivered authentically and with genuine interest. A pitfall here is that your listening may be biased and you don't truly respect the other person's words. You might also listen in a socially acceptable way or use polite and superficial terms when you don't actually want to hear the other person.
Open listening is sabotaged when your ego unknowingly takes over. It is the "I" with which you identify.
For example, if you strongly identify with a religion and elevate yours as better or more beneficial than another, you exclude the other. For example, I was recently surprised by a friend of mine who, as a Christian, completely dismissed all the deaths and atrocities in Gaza by the Israeli regime as media lies. The Good Samaritan was momentarily lost. Open listening was also momentarily lost.
A major challenge also arises when dealing with cultural differences. Over-identification with your own cultural characteristics and behaviors often throws a wrench in the works and can cost business relationships millions. Professor Fons Trompenaars explains this in detail and scientifically in his research and books. Transcending these dilemmas is achieved, among other things, by integrating that other culture into your own! Become partly Chinese when in contact with Chinese people. And these bridges connect you with others.
When your own ego is compromised, ego filters arise that block deep listening and harmony. For example, when someone else's words don't suit you, when you disagree with something, or when it doesn't seem to add value. Truly listening then goes against your own self-interest, which in turn governs your thinking.
"Truly listening goes against my own self-interest."
According to the founders of "The Psychology of Selves & Voice Dialogue" (Hal & Sidra Stone), whom I trained with in the USA, you can also view your own ego as an interplay of subpersonalities. In other words, like a bus that is (usually unconsciously) driven by your own ego passengers. If certain ego passengers strongly take over, you can use your existing skills all you want, but it won't work.
If your inner pusher takes the wheel, a tsunami of words can arise, taking up the other person's space. When your "instinctive side," as your ego passenger unconsciously takes over you will express yourself either verbally and passively, or actively and aggressively. You make comments like, "You should throw that into the toilet." When your "inner judge" is in charge, you form negative judgments about what the other person says or what you think they've said, and your listening becomes biased. As I recently experienced with someone who told me I'd made a very stupid choice. And his open listening was gone. When your "inner patriarch" drives you, you openly or secretly place yourself above the other person. As a listener, you internally dismiss the other person's words as less true or important than your own thoughts and words. Functionally "wisdom" then becomes stubbornness, and this crippling insistence creates distance.
In all these cases, there's often a false self-image. Beneath the surface, the other conversation partner, who can be listened to at those moments, often doesn't sense genuine willingness on your part. This also results in others no longer giving you genuine and honest feedback (even if you've politely asked for it). They think it's pointless anyway, and you're seen as too stubborn and not truly open.
As a listener, you often don't see the influence of your own ego because it plays out beneath the surface. Let alone admit it has an influence at all. So you've already taken a giant step toward true harmony if you recognize and, above all, acknowledge this influence within yourself. Are you willing to accept your own ego being hurt? If you have the courage to openly acknowledge this, you build a bridge of genuine connection with the other person.
What you can then do is self-regulate by inviting the opposite ego within you to sit at the table with the other person. A lot can often change when you stop letting your "pusher, instinctive, judger, and patriarch" speak for a good percentage of the time, and instead invite the other ego passengers on your ego bus into the conversation and your listening style. Think of your "inner pleaser," who genuinely listens to others and can truly empathize. Or your "being" side, which can quietly allow the other person to be fully present. Further development through the method of "Voice Dialogue" can systematically yield miracles of connection with others.
If we want to listen even deeper, we arrive at our soul. The "real, true self" within us. This is where we connect deeply, openly, powerfully, and vulnerably with others. We can meet another’s soul and give space to their right to exist, rather than focusing primarily on ourselves. When this happens, we truly allow what the other person says to sink in and can be genuinely moved ourselves; we listen intently. The other person feels safe to share their entire being with us. They feel truly heard and it is a balm for the soul.
A pitfall is being deeply affected by what the other person says or does, or has done or said. Especially if what you hear is unpleasant. From your own wounded soul, you then lash out, or shut down and put on a socially acceptable show. As a result, you keep thinking about the disappointment the other person seems to have caused you, and it continues to resonate within you. True connection and trust are then absent, because you haven't yet healed your own soul pain (of not being heard or seen yourself).
A second pitfall I sometimes fall into myself is that of the over-inspired soul: too passionate, too enthusiastic, too full of energy. You can become so absorbed in the soulful contact that you miss the other person's signals. For example, during an "Inner Nature" retreat in the Ardennes that I led, I was so engrossed in my story that I forgot I was going on too long and didn't notice people yawning. I had stopped listening to my participants.
When inspiration merges with ego-identifications, it can take destructive forms. You can lose yourself in your own fierceness, righteousness, or belief. Then you really are no longer open to listening to the other. The rigid blinders you wear narrow your view of them. You don't even really want to hear or face the other person's facts. You downplay or easily dismiss advice and sincere feedback from others. You then 'think' at those moments that 'other people' too readily follow advice from others and supposedly betray their own soul and authority, but surely you don't. From this illusion, you rush ahead with your own unshakeable faith, supposed inner strength, and 'false' authority, which destroys more relationships than many of us would care to see.
How can you optimally use your soul to listen more deeply to others? If you are aware of the pitfalls mentioned, you have won half the battle. Dare to admit that you have temporarily let yourself go too much and then, or later, give space to the other person. Ask the other person what truly moves them, truly motivates them, and what they actually think about something.
The soul often speaks more readily when you use the following words: loved, genuine, pure, essential, truly, really, original, natural. Ask about the deeper longing that lies dormant within someone, the emotional pain they've been carrying for a while, or the original talents and dreams they long to pursue, and you'll have a conversation where heart and soul are fully expressed.
There is an even deeper and more expansive dimension from which you can listen to others. That is the universal consciousness and the creative source from which everything originates and flows, which you could also call "spirit." Sounds vague, doesn't it? Until you realize that listening from this dimension is characterized by several very concrete qualities. Let me mention a few that you can put to work immediately.
Listening from spirit transcends listening from an unconscious ego and a wounded soul. At this level, you are aware of the impact of your own hurt, pain, and ego that drive your behavior as a listener. You are then freer not to project your own unresolved issues onto the other person. You don't react out of frustration just because your own expectations haven't been met by the speaker. You simply observe and see the consequences, without any judgment of the other person or yourself.
The speaker opposite you energetically senses that you are "clean inside," allowing the heavens to open up in the contact.
When you, as a listener, listen to the other person from spirit, there are no hidden agendas or secrets. There is no fear, shame, or guilt about losing anything in the connection with the other. There is complete transparency in the exchange of words and energy with the other. You listen from a childlike innocence that creates space and trust to face and express all aspects of light and shadow. Like confession in church, where—if all goes well—the listener listens like that. And then the speaker walks out the door with a palpable sense of relief when everything that was troubling them has been discussed. As if a dark cloud has lifted and the sun has started to shine within.
You achieve this clarity and impact as a listener when you thoroughly understand and are open to your own light and shadow aspects.
Spirit excludes nothing, because everything originates from there and returns to it. Only ego creates exclusion. From this position, the listener feels the freedom to be completely themselves, which brings much more essential information to the table.
"Only ego creates exclusion"
Spirit knows no overt or covert hierarchy. It doesn't know a pyramid structure like an ego-matrix with people at the top. No, it puts an end to that irrevocably. As a listener, you don't take over the conversation to share your own so-called important knowledge. As a listener, you place yourself at the service of the other person's story. Regardless of experience, background, education level, or anything else, as a listener, you look solely at 'the person' sitting across from you. This sincere attitude opens doors in contact with the other person.
"Spirit knows no hierarchy"
At this level, there is no judgment of others in your thoughts or (verbal) behavior. There is no emotional charge of fierceness, cynicism, or anything else. You listen with "Spock ears", occasionally interjecting the word "fascinating." From an inquisitive mind that wants to know and learn more, you ask further questions out of curiosity. Not only is your sincere interest as a listener appreciated by the speaker, it also demonstrates that you genuinely want to understand their underlying motivations, to truly understand the other person, which often leads to greater harmony.
Even if you, as a listener, disagree with the other person, you remain genuinely friendly (not in a socially acceptable way, but connected to your heart, sincerely). As Barack Obama demonstrated when he received a fierce reaction from the audience behind him. Instead of continuing his speech, he turned around. Not to respond with a fierce reaction, as you sometimes see, but he said: "You are passionate and are concerned that my plans might harm you." As a listener, he built a bridge instead of a wall with the other person.
"Spirit knows no walls"
Spirit primarily listens to the energy from which something can be heard, not so much the temporary form in which it resides. That's why you can listen to people, but what about birds? Imagine there were no birds at all on this earth. Just imagine it for a minute. There's so much more to listen to. Many indigenous people I've visited on my travels therefore talk about listening to the heart of Mother Earth and her rhythm. Through drumming ceremonies, they often experience a deep connection. From this comes a deep respect for the Earth, which, as its temporary host, makes life here possible for you. Something many of us have simply forgotten.
Spirit also reveals itself in your listening when intuition is given space. As I experienced during a recent coaching session where a Senior Researcher at a Ministry expressed his desire to ultimately work with animals. Before this even came up, I shared that I kept getting images of cats and other animals from her. She was completely "on." Immediately afterward, I conducted a voice dialogue session where we spoke to the part of her that was the animal lover. She was standing by the balcony with an open door, and literally at that moment, a pigeon flew in and sat at her feet, 2 feet away, for three minutes. What a cosmic wink. After all, from a spiritual perspective, everything is connected to everything else, it’s just that we don't always see it.
You've seen that there are four dimensions of deep listening, each with their own pitfalls and solutions. If you are truly willing to focus solely and continuously on yourself as a listener and really listen to others, harmony will be at your doorstep.
However, listening requires the other person to be present. Due to excessive ego or a wounded soul, the other person may not (yet) be ready to engage in dialogue with you. Let things flow, always keep the door ajar, and invite even if your outstretched hand isn't always accepted. Everyone has their own pace of development. Then focus on others who have the courage to do so, and thus create harmony with those who are willing and able. The world around you will become much more beautiful.
"The deeper you listen, the more beautiful it becomes."
Try "deep listening" more often. Don't do it as a one-time act, but see it as a process where you can grow at an increasingly deeper level and truly connect with each other.
Above all, I wish you much joy in this journey of discovery and the beauty that can come to you as a listener.
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Am I doing what I truly want and can do? What am I actually contributing to? What am I doing here? Is this all there is to it? These are questions I increasingly receive from my clients.
In this dark world, we sometimes lose our own meaning and positivity. Want to know how your work and life can become more positive and actually contribute to a better world?
Receive a FREE promotional copy of the book "Spirited Personal Leadership – for more effective work, a meaningful life, and a better world" right away. Simply enter your name and email address to download the PDF. Click here and scroll down to the orange input field: https://martinthoolen.com/en/publicaties/ https://martinthoolen.com/publicaties/en
“Absolutely recommended! Beautifully profound and very practical! A masterpiece. Inspiring and down-to-earth. I wish I'd known this in my youth. Written perfectly for me! What a wonderful book! Very valuable!” (reviews readers).
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I hope you had a nice break from work. You’ve refueled. Wonderful… And now?
Before you know it, you've forgotten all about your vacation. Right?
Your calendar and inbox are overflowing, deadlines are looming, and before you know it, you're back in the thick of it.
Would you like to avoid the trap of excessive workload this time and continue working with enjoyment and positive energy?
Coming from a background of 35 years’ experience in training and coaching, including in the areas of workload, sustainable employability, and reintegration, I'd like to share my best tips with you.
Back to work: from relaxed to overloaded?
And boom! You're feeling worn out again after just three weeks. So you wonder:
Where has my energy gone? How can I keep that candle burning?
Everything is energy. You are energy, too. Your body is just a temporary energy container. The more energy you expend, the more you will need to replenish it. Just like a car. It can't run without fuel, and without regular maintenance it’ll rust stuck.
"Everything is energy"
So you simply must refuel every now and then. You usually do that on vacation. By not thinking, but simply being. Your energy is completely replenished without you even realizing it.
Back at work, all that often fades into the background. Work is like running a marathon and vacations are the finish line. Exhausted, you go on another vacation to recover, only to do the same thing all over again. And sometimes you work until you are ready to collapse. And your "thinking cap” is always on. Like how you worry about your work in the evenings.
You can maintain a healthy work-life balance on three levels:
From © 2022: Spirited Personal Leadership (Martin Thoolen): Spirited Personal Leadership Model TM
You'll find relief if you work more effectively and efficiently by managing time and stress. Try the following tips:
TIP 1: SET THE RIGHT PRIORITIES
Before you do something you feel obliged ask yourself the following four questions and maybe try to do things differently for a change:
1. Why does this need to be done?
2. Why me?
3. Why now?
4. Why like this?
TIP 2: PLAN BREAKTIME AND TAKE REGULAR BREAKS
Incorporate at least 20% of free time into your schedule. Spontaneous events and regular breaks ensure your schedule doesn't blow up. Make sure you take a short break every 1.5 hours and actually step away from your workstation. This distance often provides more breathing room and relaxation. You'll recharge without even realizing it.
TIP 3: DELEGATE
Ask someone else to take over a task. Don't be afraid to challenge someone if the work is becoming too much for you.
TIP 4: LISTEN AND ACT IN ACCORDANCE WITH YOUR BODY
Your body is a brilliant stress scanner. It accurately tells you whether you're heading towards stress or burnout: chronic fatigue, worrying, poor sleep, physical complaints and much more. The question isn't so much whether your body registers it, but rather whether you recognize your body's signals. Once you do, dare to set healthy boundaries for what your body demands of you.
"Your body is a brilliant stress scanner"
TIP 5: EXERCISE
Give yourself a healthy kick in the butt. Research shows that exercise reduces the negative effects of stress and contributes to a positive mood and better mental health. A half-hour walk every day or doing yoga or going to the gym—it all helps.
One way to look at your ego is to imagine you're a bus with various ego passengers, some of whom may decide to take the wheel, unbeknownst to you. When pleaser the pleaser takes over, you will try to do everything you can to meet someone else’s needs. When the pusher When the pusher is driving, feel compelled doing everything you you’re doing without allowing yourself a break. The perfectionist generates top quality work and beauty in form, but can also waste a lot of extra time, which can leave you in a crunch.
These three ego powerhouses (pleaser, pusher, and perfectionist) are favorites with employers because what they do for them is significant and valuable, in return for reward and appreciation. There's nothing wrong with that, but these three Ps are also the biggest causes of exhaustion.
TIP 6: DOSE YOUR INNER PLEASER, PUSHER, AND PERFECTIONIST
Dose the three ego passengers by allowing their opposites at the wheel.
1. Dare to set healthy boundaries and, therefore, be seen as unfriendly.
2. Take more time to relax during the day to recharge.
3. Let go of your perfectionism and, if necessary, ask someone else to monitor the quality of your work.
The foundation of your vital energy is your inspiration. Because when you do what inspires you, you are connected to a much larger source of inexhaustible energy: consciousness or spirit. Sometimes you can tweak the external aspects (with your behavior, time, and stress management), but a structural energy leak remains. The nagging feeling of not being completely comfortable in your work continues.
Sometimes you work on fertile ground for a while, sometimes on arid, or even toxic soil. When arid, you lack challenge and inspiration. When toxic, work gets under your skin, and it keeps you occupied at night more than you'd like. It’s important to be aware of this, because any systems and relationships that don't allow space for the existence and the unique expression of the soul, imprison your soul and can make your body seriously ill.
“All systems and relationships that do not give space to the existence and the unique expression of the soul, imprison the soul and can make your body seriously ill”.
Therefore, it is sensible to occasionally examine and recalibrate your own career and your current performance.
TIP 7: RE-CALIBRATE YOUR INSPIRED CAREER
Ask yourself the following questions and answer sincerely from your heart and soul:
1. Am I currently doing what I want to and can do?
2. Am I my best self here?
3. Am I happy with my work?
4. Do I get energy from my work?
5. What do my dreams tell me? [insert link] (New tips for this in the blog: https://martinthoolen.com/en/nieuwe-loopbaanstap-gebruik-je-dromen/)
6. What would I do differently if my spirit had more breathing room?
When your soul is speaking, you often recognize it by the following words that may pop into your mind: actually, preferably, really, truly, essentially. Sneak up on what's wérkelijk truly going on inside you and dare to make new, well-considered choices. Because sometimes it's cowardly to leave, but sometimes it's cowardly to stay (Peter Delahay).
"Because sometimes it's cowardly to leave, but sometimes it's cowardly to stay."
(Peter Delahay)
What can you do to continue working with vitality after your vacation?
Don't wait until the next vacation to recharge.
Build in recharge moments, every week and every day, so you can continue working with pleasure, energy, and focus.
Want to know more about what you can do? Check out coaching for burnout and sustainable employability here: https://martinthoolen.com/en/service/coaching-vitaliteit-duurzame-inzetbaarheid/
I wish you an energetic and positive remainder of your working year.
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
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“When spirit comes through, the perpetrator-victim cycle is broken and individual and collective karmas and traumas are resolved. Through dialogue, forgiveness, tolerance, understanding, recognition and sincere apologies, the soul can heal and can we come to our true selves and each other again”.
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Dreams appear to be a particularly valuable source of information for your career development; in some cases, they may even be the best compass. This is evident from the 35 years that I have been working on this subject matter with thousands of clients. Would you like to know how that works and how you can apply it for yourself? Check out this article and be surprised by the intelligence of your own hidden ‘psyche’, or that of your clients.
Who hasn’t had some of the feelings described below at some point in their career:
You no longer see any challenges and your work is just a routine. You simply don’t know which direction you want your career to take. You have lost your job or are in danger of losing it. You are fed up with your manager and he isn’t going anywhere any time soon. You have come into conflict with your manager or supervisory board. You just want something completely different, something that you can excel at. You are in a toxic work environment.. In short, your compass is (temporarily) off kilter and you’re really just wandering around aimlessly.
How do you find a new direction in your career?
To figure out what a good next step is for you, you want to find something that really suits you. It turns out that you structurally have the most fun and come into your own in your job if, that what you feel compelled do:
To see what you can do, you can take a broad look at three aspects: the current knowledge that is required for your position, and the required task-oriented, and behavioral, competencies. In order to find the most ‘suitable’ job, you need enough chutzpah, courage and self-confidence to take your career step. Or maybe not yet: You may have to develop something ‘extra’ or learn how to deal with your obstacles more effectively.
To get a good idea of what you can do, can do, there are various adequate assessment tools, such as required diplomas, questionnaires (which map out aspects of your personality, for example), selection interviews; assessment exercises, such as role-playing exercises or answering practical cases, etc.
“But does what you are good at and dare to do really suit you?”
This may be one of the biggest pitfalls that is sometimes glossed over in career paths. Suppose you are going to do something new, something that you are good at and have had good experiences with in the past. Your résumé bears witness to this. Before you know it, you are again doing more of the same and something remains unfulfilled in you that will eventually rear its head again. You just ran over another essential voice of yourself: your soul.
In order to see what you are naturally good at and what you are longing for, we have to dig a lot deeper than our ego (and personality) qualities tell you, to look at what really inspires you. One of the ways to gain insight into what inspires you is through your dreams. Why?
In essence, everything is connected to everything (on a spirit level), as you can read in my book ‘Spirited Personal Leadership’. Disembodied souls are connected to embodied souls; humans to animals, plants and earth; ebb to flow; exertion to relaxation; and daytime to nightlife. Our psyche is so intelligent that it provides keys in symbolic language in dreams, that open new doors in your career. They are a gateway to your subconscious which can help you.
“Our psyche is so intelligent that it provides keys in symbolic language in dreams, that open new doors in your career.”
However, you may not always want to take the time to tap into the richness of your dreams if you cannot immediately give them a place.
Carl Gustav Jung did groundbreaking work in the field of dreams and their meaning. You can have all kinds of dreams, some of which have more meaning to you than others. In many ancient cultures, dreams have been viewed as valuable information carriers for centuries, while modern western societies have largely cut themselves off from this. For example, there are ‘daily processing dreams’, in which you see yourself in situations that are related to what you were doing during the day.
You could have anxiety dreams/nightmares, in which you may experience threats, such as being chased or falling into a hole, or the surfacing of old, unresolved issues.
There are also wishful dreams, which give form to what you would like to experience in your life or work.There are ‘predictive dreams’, where you may recognize elements from your dream later on in everyday reality.
Then there are ‘repetitive dreams’, which return periodically, and ‘big dreams’ that mark or announce a turning point, in your life or work, at a fundamental level. Below you can read an example of this type of dream. And some people experience their dream as a gateway to another dimension, or suddenly feel a connection with a ‘deceased’ loved one. Combinations of different types of dreams are also possible.
In short, not all dreams will give you information related to your career. Chances are, however, that when you have been thinking about career development for a while, meaningful dreams will present themselves.
Let's look at three examples of how dreams can help you in concrete ways.
James is a manager at a large company. He does his job well, works hard and has a heart for the business. He just finds it difficult to delegate things to
his employees. In addition, he takes little time for himself and his family and the home front regularly confront him about this. He often sleeps only five hours a night, has been very tired for a long time and suffers from Repetitive Stress Injury. Yet he wants to take another step up in his career, despite all the signals.
James' goal in one of my 'Self-management/Personal Leadership' training courses was: to create more balance between work and private life. He tells us about a repetitive dream that he has had for eleven years and that comes back about every three months. And now it has happened again, during the workshop. In the dream he is in an airplane high in the air.
He is behind the controls himself. One of the engines of the airplane is on fire. The fuel is leaking and it is getting hotter and hotter in the plane. He tries with all his might to still fly it properly. He wakes up bathing in a pool of sweat.
He talked about the dream with sweat on his forehead and I asked him what had happened eleven years ago in his life when these dreams started. So what did it turn out to be?
Eleven years ago, he had taken on a demanding job and in fact his workload had always remained (too) high in the years that followed. His ‘pusher’ had been putting in lots of overtime, for years. As a high flyer with only one engine working he could easily crash and he had now entered that danger zone. His fuel (energy) was running out not just in his dream, but also in reality. Especially when he retold the dream from the perspective of the plane, which was actually a part of him. He had been flying too high in his job for years, which caused him a lot of stress.
This realization, which felt like a deeper truth, hit him so hard that he decided that things could no longer go on like this. He then invited his relaxed side to be a part of his work and life. Weeks later I saw him and he told me he had chosen a different position that came with less pressure. He was beaming again, as usual.
Chantal is a young, talented and ambitious woman who is quickly making great strides as a government trainee within a ministry. However, she notices that she is drained by the toxic work environment in which she finds herself: many colleagues are complaining among themselves in the office gardens; her boss, who mainly thinks of her own skin, keeps changing directions; and, projects that she has worked hard on are simply swept off the table for political reasons. Because she felt that she was in danger of having a burn-out at a young age, she came to me for coaching.
Mark, a colleague, had already said goodbye and left earlier. She noticed that she was somewhat jealous of that and that it partly mirrored her own desire. And then she dreamed.
She stood nexttoto her colleague Mark, looking out of the 11th floor window of her office building. All they could see was a very large ocean. When she zoomed in, she saw three whales swimming along, swaying so gracefully in the waves and yet following their own course in the flow. For a moment she thought: ‘I wish I could be like that’.
At the protest site in front of her office building (where protests against policy commonly take place) there appeared to be a production machine of some kind, which captured the three whales and proceeded to grind them up.
When she retold the dream from the perspective of the whales, she became very sad. She realized more strongly now than ever before that her soul just couldn’t flow as long as she was in her current position and work environment. This was an important push and it gave her energy to look for something new where she can ‘swim’ in a focused way.
John has been walking around at loose ends at work for a while now. He has been unhappy for over two years: too much work pressure, too few challenges and too little growth, plus a demotivating manager. He has received a wonderful and unique offer from a friend to come work elsewhere. Except that means thirty minutes more travel, the idea of which he rather dislikes. However, at the very moment when he deciding to choose certainty and travel convenience, he is scolded once again by his manager. He keeps doubting himself, until one day he wants to enter his office but his door is locked, something that has never happened before in all those years. To make matters worse, the notepad he brought with him falls from his hands onto the floor by the door. A page falls out with the word ‘end’ written at the bottom. How much clearer of a wink can you get from the cosmos!
The next day John is busy working as usual. He is actually planning to skip his lunch break to be able to finish all his work for the day. But something inside him tells him that he has to go out for a while. On his lunch break, without even thinking about it, he automatically walks into his favorite bookstore which is located next door to his office. His eyes, also automatically, go to a book that is directly in front of him, entitled ‘Zonder einde’ (Without End), by a gentleman named Hans Korteweg. Now he has an epiphany as the thought immediately flashes through his mind: is my current job without end?
That same evening he muses about everything that has happened and he lets his feelings simmer. Should he really quit his job now? Suddenly he realizes
that he has lost a lot of himself in his current job, but he has been trivializing that fact until now. New, interesting challenges that were promised to him have been taken away in the past two years. He has been increasingly constrained to tasks that his heart really wasn’t into. On top of that, there was the structural snarling of his boss and the increased workload.
The next morning he wakes up in a sweat from a dream in which he was chained inside a prison, with his boss as the guard. In his cell he did the usual every day occupational therapy: sorting screws and craft supplies.
He realizes that this image reflected exactly how he has felt at work for the past year: as a slave to his boss. He shares all his findings
and feelings with his partner, who asks him what he really wants, right now, ‘deep down’, which suddenly makes him burst with sadness. He decides now he’s really going to quit his job and take the new one. A yoke of burden falls from his shoulders. After six months in his new job, he goes to work whistling again like In the old days.
All three dreams were turning points for my clients to take a new career step that basically gave them more pleasure, energy, balance and effectiveness.
If you want to see for yourself what a dream is trying to tell you, do your best to remember it and investigate it further. Here are some practical tips:
(This exercise is from the book 'Spirited Personal Leadership - M. Thoolen).
Go tohttps://martinthoolen.com/en/service/loopbaancoaching/
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