This recent drawing comes from one of my current clients: an IT specialist in healthcare. It perfectly depicts the transformation process she's going through. From a primal scream, she's leaving old patterns behind, towards liberation of the soul. On the path to sustainable reintegration because she's addressing not only her behavior, but also the roots of it. Here's how.
You can only achieve "sustainable reintegration" if you address the "roots" of your behavior and transform from within, like caterpillars do into butterflies. Psychological behavior change, handy tips, tricks, or methods alone won't get you there. After years of providing numerous stress and time management training courses, I often saw a revolving door effect: people relapse into stress or burnout for a second or even a third time. At least, if you don't also address the roots of their behavior, their inner self. But what is that inner self, and how do you approach it? "You can only achieve sustainable reintegration if you address the roots of your behavior."
“You can only achieve sustainable reintegration if you address the roots of your behavior.”
Dat is je ego en je ziel wat concreet uiteengezet wordt in het model met de gelijknamige boektitel 'Spirited Personal Leadership Fundamentele bewustwording hiervan (werken en leven vanuit spirit) en intentionele zielsbesluiten geven nieuwe duurzame oplossingen.
© 2025: Model Spirited Personal Leadership
A simple way to view your ego is like a bus driven by a number of primary ego passengers. Depending on which passenger is at the wheel, you think differently, feel differently, behave differently and choose differently.
In my client's case, this was primarily the caring and responsible mother. A role she had to assume when her mother died young, her father abandoned her in her youth, and she took on the role of caring for her younger brother. She always thought that was just how she was. Or… had become?
Afterward, she primarily had relationships with boyfriends/men who took advantage of her and remained stuck in the dependent and irresponsible child role. This manifested itself in situations like when he, against the agreement, said: "Would you mind taking care of our baby tonight, because I just want to go out with my friends?"
Once again, as so often happened, she sidelined herself. The pent-up discontent about this, or the soul pain that silently generated sadness and anger, she could scream out from within. As in the drawing.
At work, this mothering role caused her to take on far too many responsibilities, leading her to burnout.
During the sessions, she made a soul-searching decision to say goodbye to her current boyfriend, who also often proved emotionally absent and often fled, just like her father. In addition, she has become much more aware of taking care as mother for her self instead of others only: her own desires, her her own own needs, her her own own boundaries. Grounded in this newfound and felt awareness, she now makes new fundamental choices, such as avoiding people who drain her energy or minimizing contact; choosing more time for rest and relaxation, including walking, getting massages, and drawing.
The relief is increasingly noticeable in the sessions with her, and her new relaxed and contented face is becoming more visible, as in the drawing.
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
#wereldinspiraties #worldinspirations #reisverhalenmartinthoolen #travelstoriesmartinthoolen #spirit #synchroniciteit #synchronicity #firstnations #persoonlijkinspirerendleiderschap #persoonlijkleiderschap #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #personalleadership #leiderschap #spiritueelleiderschap #spiritedleadership #executivecoaching #leiderschap #leiderschapsontwikkeling #teamcoaching #collectiefleiderschap #professionalcoaching #coaching #businesscoaching #psychologyofselves #voicedialogue #egozielspirit #egosoulspirit #awarenessatwork #martinthoolen
During my travels around the world, I found inspiration from unexpected encounters that I'd like to share with you. Sometimes you have to go (far) away to get closer. This time: ‘The Famous Healer from Ubud'.
Sometimes we're simply looking for direction, confirmation, or support. Me too. Then we might turn to an astrologer, psychic, reader, or healer. Or to a spiritual guide from your religion. Sometimes we're simply looking for direction, confirmation, or support. Me too. Then we might turn to an astrologer, psychic, reader, or healer. Or to a spiritual guide from your religion.
Do you remember that book and that movie: ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ by Elisabeth Gilbert, adapted into a film starring Julia Roberts? In it, the main character visits a "Balean," a spiritual healer in Ubud, Indonesia, named Cokorda Rai. So I thought, "I want to go there too." No sooner said than done.
I surrendered to what he called a Kitra Healing. He screened my head several times, pulled painfully on my ears a few times, and hit them incredibly hard, then said, "You have nothing. What can I do for you?"
A dialogue ensued where he asked me what kind of job I did, and I replied: "(spiritual) empowerment." He responded with a warm smile and said, "Oh, so you're also a healer. Mmm, you are a gentle man. You've come to bring peace to the world. There's a wall between you, but you move through it. You embrace the world and bring Light and peace to the world, which is good."
‘What are you supposed to do with these words?’ I immediately wondered. ‘How seriously should I take this? Maybe none of it is true.’ But strangely enough, it supported me to continue with my life's dream: to make my own contribution to a better world, however small or large. Years later, I managed to materialize my contribution in, among other things, my second book: ‘Spirited Personal Leadership, for more effective work, a meaningful life, and a better world." With thanks to Cokorda Rai 🙏.
Over the past decades, I've made several trips to healers, shamans, chiefs, gurus, and mediums who shared their perspectives on my life and work. And quite a lot of it was bullshit. Therefore, never outsource your own authority and individuality to others or blindly follow their advice. Remain critical and walk away if it no longer feels right.
But in every area, including here, you have qualitatively sharp and valuable guides. For me, an important criterion is whether it touches on the truth and as long as it supports me in realizing my life's dream. In that case, there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's extremely stimulating.
So why not, with a critical eye, occasionally open yourself up to good guides who inspire you?
I hope it leads to positive, original and talented choices in your life and work.
Here’s a short impression of some of my journeys of discovery. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ca58VpEoy_Y
Martin
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
#wereldinspiraties #worldinspirations #reisverhalenmartinthoolen #travelstoriesmartinthoolen #spirit #synchroniciteit #synchronicity #firstnations #persoonlijkinspirerendleiderschap #persoonlijkleiderschap #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #personalleadership #leiderschap #spiritueelleiderschap #spiritedleadership #executivecoaching #leiderschap #leiderschapsontwikkeling #teamcoaching #collectiefleiderschap #professionalcoaching #coaching
How do you make learning at work self-wanting– and not something that ‘comes on top of it?’ Today, LinkedIn asked me to share my perspective. This isn't an exhaustive list, but seven essential ways to contribute.
You work and learn optimally when you do what you need to do, are good at, or can develop, love to do, and have the courage to do it. This means that when choosing your career or study program, it's important to do what you're naturally drawn to and are good at. And for employers, it's crucial to optimize recruitment and selection based on this.
If you're naturally drawn to learning, it takes less energy. In fact, you look forward to it. So make career and learning choices based on that as well.
If you really want to achieve something, you're more likely to make time to tackle the learning steps that lead to it. You know what you're doing it for.
Rewards make desired behavior occur faster and more often. Consider rewards such as a certificate or diploma, a promotion, a bonus or salary increase, increased job opportunities, etc. These prospects often stimulate self-learning.
Education and courses vary in how much fun they make learning. This depends on the type of learning material, whether or not they use motivating and expert instructors/facilitators, whether or not they use attractive training methods, etc.
Someone once said: "You only learn when you make mistakes." See it as an opportunity to improve. The point is that you're allowed, or even required, to make mistakes in order to grow. You'll then know exactly what your development points are and can focus and thus learn more effectively. Don't "downsize" yourself or the learners in your organization, but "empower" them to learn.
Apply uniform codes of conduct for a socially safe learning and working environment. Prevent or effectively deal with bullying. Provide a reliable and knowledgeable confidant. Reward and celebrate interim successes together.
1. By doing or wanting the job that suits you and that you really want
2. You genuinely enjoy and find it challenging to learn what's required
3. You have an ambitious goal that you're eager to achieve
4. If it's rewarding for what it will give you
5. Make learning fun
6. Allowing people to make mistakes
7. Providing a safe, stimulating learning and working environment
Let's hope that learning becomes even more fun! Martin
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
#persoonlijkinspirerendleiderschap #persoonlijkleiderschap #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #personalleadership #leiderschap #spiritueelleiderschap #spiritedleadership #spiritedpersonalleadership #executivecoaching #leiderschap #leiderschapsontwikkeling #teamcoaching #collectiefleiderschap #professionalcoaching #coaching #businesscoaching#psychologyofselves #voicedialogue #ego #awareego #egozielspirit #egosoulspirit #awarenessatwork #martinthoolen
During my travels around the world, I found inspiration from unexpected encounters that I'd like to share with you. Sometimes you have to go (far) away to get closer. This time: ‘The Flowing Soul'.
Sitting by a flowing stream in the forests of Queensland, Australia, I wondered years ago: If water flows, giving and receiving, would that also apply to the soul? Does it also flow best when it gives and receives as a natural cycle of life? And if so, how do you translate that into choices you make in your own work and life?
Suppose the soul has a giving and receiving side, then you also know that you can become depleted if you can no longer receive what is good for your soul. And then you can no longer give from that source. Then you become a source of pollution. Then it's important that you cleanse your source.
A soul naturally wants to express itself with its talents, joy of life, pain, desires, and dreams. It 'must' express itself. And any system or relationship you enter into that limits that, imprisons your soul and can even make your body seriously ill.
If the soul were to flow, then besides giving, it must also receive. Like receiving felt experiences from which you can learn. The soul cannot ‘not’ receive, because then the (natural) circle of giving and receiving is broken. Therefore, the soul must also receive. If you haven't received what your soul needs for a long time, you also become empty or depressed. And if you can't express yourself naturally, you become frustrated. It must therefore be an ongoing circle, just like a flowing stream.
This can mean that during your soul's journey, certain people, encounters, jobs, or roles may be suitable for a particular phase of your life’s journey and beneficial to your soul, but in a new phase, they may no longer be suitable at all. Especially not if the circle of giving and receiving is no longer balanced for your soul. And you feel deeply frustrated or depressed.
To break through the dams blocking your inspiration and flow, you can identify what instantly gives you positive energy and then choose and act on it. This could be a relaxing walk in the park; a new job; new friends. And what it requires also, is the courage to let go of what no longer serves you into the flow. A salmon, just like the you within, can die if too many dams have formed in your life or work. If you allow the natural flow to be dammed too much by other people and "normal" systems, then that is actually unnatural, which is deadly for the soul that wants to live and flourish.
In short, dare to examine what forms do and don't fit anymore. Dare to let go of old forms that no longer serve you. And accept the grief over them as a sacrifice. And choose new forms and relationships that will instantly make you shine. Then the flowing soul will return, giving your life and work more fulfillment and impact.
Martin
Here’s a short impression of some of my journeys of discovery. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ca58VpEoy_Y
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
#wereldinspiraties #worldinspirations #reisverhalenmartinthoolen #travelstoriesmartinthoolen #spirit #synchroniciteit #synchronicity #firstnations #persoonlijkinspirerendleiderschap #persoonlijkleiderschap #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #personalleadership #leiderschap #spiritueelleiderschap #spiritedleadership #executivecoaching #leiderschap #leiderschapsontwikkeling #teamcoaching #collectiefleiderschap #professionalcoaching #coaching #businesscoaching #psychologyofselves #voicedialogue #egozielspirit #egosoulspirit #awarenessatwork #martinthoolen
Yesterday, a 50-year-old coaching client and Senior Product Manager in Haarlem wanted to give his career a new direction. When I asked him what his talents were, he fell silent. He was at a loss. He had forgotten his talents.
This, despite the fact that he had consistently achieved many successes over the years through his own talents, such as: the talent for connecting all kinds of national and international stakeholders; often coming up with new, creative commercial solutions; and getting the most out of his team members through empowerment: discovering and strengthening each other's natural talents. This fostered team spirit and allowed successes to be celebrated together.
His father's internalized critical voice downsized him to the point that he characterized his talents as ordinary and normal. Sound familiar? However, this doesn't do justice to the original added value he always provided. It was time to retrieve his forgotten talents from his treasure chest.
Just because something comes naturally doesn't mean it's not special. It actually isbecause it originates from an original source. Everything that comes naturally stems from a natural talent and should be fully embraced and recognized as its original added value, by others, but also by and from yourself.
"Everything that comes naturally stems from a natural talent"
So if you sometimes feel like you're not up to par, write down all your proven talents, fully embrace them as a natural gift you have to offer others. And then seek out environments where your talents can flourish most.
Your passion will come to light, and your work will become much more enjoyable and effective.
Martin
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
#spirit #synchroniciteit #synchronicity #firstnations #persoonlijkinspirerendleiderschap #persoonlijkleiderschap #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #personalleadership #leiderschap #spiritueelleiderschap #spiritedleadership #executivecoaching #leiderschap #leiderschapsontwikkeling #teamcoaching #collectiefleiderschap #professionalcoaching #coaching #businesscoaching#psychologyofselves #voicedialogue #egozielspirit #egosoulspirit #awarenessatwork #martinthoolen
How often have we heard it: you have to get rid of your ego! Leave it at the door! But is that actually true? Or can you use ego as a tool to give substance to your inspiration and talents, or even unconditional love and universal consciousness?
If there was a God, why would humans be born with or develop an ego even at a very early age? Some babies in the cradle show more ego than others even though ego seems to be less prevalent than in adults. For example, when it comes to what they do or don't want. One of the functions of our ego is to set boundaries.
In a world whithout egos, the argument that you have to get rid of your ego would be useful. But we live on Earth where there is an ever-increasing ego density. Just look around you. A young university student recently told me during a coaching session that performing better than others and quickly building a strong curriculum are of the utmost importance, even if it comes at the expense of others or your health. Even in politics, one's own curriculum seems to have become more important than serving the common interest. Welcome to the world of ego.
To avoid being drowned in the ego games or the ego violence of others or ego systems, it's actually beneficial to develop a measured ego.
In some non-dualistic movements, however, you are compelled to get rid of your ego. Bloody dangerous, I'd say. The founder of Voice Dialogue, Hal Stone, once told me during a training with him and his wife Sidra at their home in California: "Martin, you can go to any Ashram in India you want to, as long as you bring your inner protector with you. That way, you can leave it doesn't feel right anymore."
Moreover, over the past 35 years, I've observed a strong spiritual ego in several gurus from both the East and West. For example, at a 10-day Silent Retreat abroad, where the gurus literally positioned themselves on decorated King and Queen throne above the participants. This, despite the fact that there weren't that many participants. Equal? Spirit and universal consciousness don't know a hierarchy, do they?
When a band started playing outside the retreat location, the silence was somewhat disturbed. The teachers' angry looks and charged remarks betrayed the presence of a powerful "judgmental force" that suddenly appeared like a Jack in the Boxx. That didn’t look really judgment-free, did it?
So pay attention, especially to those who think or say they've transcended their ego. It could very well be different.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of non-dualism, which gives a deeply connected sense of peace with yourself and truly everything around you. I've experienced it myself. But I also believe in multi-dimensionality here on Earth. We are all invited to learn to deal with the ego’s and egosystems around us that are simply present as well as our own ego as a part of our conscious learning. And develop it in such a way that universal consciousness (spirit), your soul, and a balanced ego can go hand in hand.
“We are all invited to learn to deal with the ego’s and egosystems around us that are simply present as well as our own ego as a part of our conscious learning. And develop it in such a way that universal consciousness (spirit), your soul, and a balanced ego can go hand in hand”
But what is ego, actually? What are the advantages of a balanced ego? How can it help you, but also hinder you?
Ego is the "I" with which you distinguish yourself from others, but sometimes also separate yourself with. It's the "I" with which you identify, as if "this is how I am." You identify with certain forms within and outside yourself. Such as your name, your nationality, your origins, your profession, your personal qualities, etc. Wherever you put the word "mine," it reveals itself. My country, my house, my characteristics, etc. Nothing wrong with that in itself, until you have become too attached to these identifications and do not want to let them go.
What are some benefits of ego?
Protection:
Some things that come your way are unsafe or can unnecessarily hurt your soul. Whether material, physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. Setting boundaries, creating distance, or leaving the space helps you avoid remaining a victim of unpleasant invasions or bad situations.
Visibility:
Too little ego can lead to you not seeing yourself as worthwhile enough or not showing the talents you have to offer. How can you be seen if you don't show yourself? Your individuality, soul color and original talents come to light when you develop a balanced ego.
“How can you be seen if you don't show yourself?”
Strategic insight and action:
In the absence of the inner strategist in your ego, you easily become a victim of the ego games of others. Not everyone is aware of the consequences of their actions or their behaviors for you, or don't have good intentions for you or they just want to use you for their own gain. Once you realize this, you won't let yourself be drained by the needs of others. So it's important to be sufficiently aware of this and develop an adequate ego to deal with it.
There are even more benefits to an aware and well-managed ego, such as maintaining a balance between work and personal life, striking a balance between hard work and relaxation, and being gentler with yourself and others. Because everything you're allergic to is also inside you, just in different forms.
The ego hinders you when it overshoots and you are unconsciously controlled by a lack of self-reflection, ignorance, fear of shortage, greed, status, material possessions, self-interest, and power. In the book "Spirited Personal Leadership," you will find eight roles you can become ensnared in when the ego takes over:
Before you know it, you are unknowingly driven by these roles because they temporarily fuel your feeling of self-worth. This is usually due to a hidden fear of not being seen or appreciated enough, of having too little, or of not receiving approval or acceptance from others.
If these roles primarily drive you, you become disconnected from the universal consciousness or spirit that can give you the following: internal and external peace, true connection from the heart, contentment, joy, vitality, and optimal talent development.
How do you ensure your ego doesn't get too large or too small? In a way that it does not hinder you, but i a way that helps you?
Underlying your behavior, your ego is often controlled by your personality, or "personas," as Swiss psychologist Carl Jung called them. These are also referred to as social masks.
You can think of your ego as a personal bus that is—usually unconsciously—driven by your own ego passengers. Depending on who's behind the wheel, you think differently, look differently, feel differently, behave differently, and choose differently.
This theory comes from the founders of the "Psychology of Selves & Voice Dialogue," Hal & Sidra Stone, whom I was trained by in the USA. They indicate that getting to know your primary selves, which often determine your behavior, will throw you off balance if you don't get to know, invite, and manage the secondary passengers in the back of your ego bus or even in a trailer behind the bus.
Hal & Sidra Stone & Martin
If you primarily live with your pleaser, perfectionist, and pusher side taking the wheel you're ripe for burnout because you've neglected your more relaxed self for too long. Invite your secondary ego passenger to drive 10% of the time, dare to step outside your primary comfort zone, and you'll already be more balanced.
If, as a leader, you lead primarily from your inner patriarch, you elevate yourself and infantilize the potential below you. However, if you're open to criticism and act on it, share it equally with your people, and empower them, team spirit can flourish. Even if it's only 10% more.
"Don't deny your own ego, get to know it, and learn to manage it."
In short, balance and moderation are the key words for which continuous necessary self-reflection is required: Don't deny your own ego, get to know it, and learn to manage it. In this way, your ego, alongside your body, becomes a functional instrument for shaping your inspiration, your individuality, and your original talents. It also serves as a vehicle for functionally embodying commonality and "true" connection. Then your ego brings you a great deal.
Experience the Voice Dialogue method in training or coaching and ask for a free online-intake here. Or take a look at the book: Spirited Personal Leadership.
I wish you a wonderful development where your ego serves your soul and spirit.
Martin
#persoonlijkinspirerendleiderschap #persoonlijkleiderschap #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #personalleadership #leiderschap #spiritueelleiderschap #spiritedleadership #spiritedpersonalleadership #executivecoaching #leiderschap #leiderschapsontwikkeling #teamcoaching #collectiefleiderschap #professionalcoaching #coaching #businesscoaching#psychologyofselves #voicedialogue #efo #awareego #egozielspirit #egosoulspirit #awarenessatwork #martinthoolen
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
How often have we've not heard it, and how often does the voice still resonate within you: “Just act normal, that's crazy enough; fit in; don't be so weird; be polite; don't stand out.”
According to the founders of the “Psychology of Selves & Voice Dialogue,” Hal & Sidra Stone, who trained me in the USA, the voice of the (inner) critic is nowhere as loud in the world as it is in the Netherlands. Fueled by Calvinism as a collective ego belief, we have sometimes made each other and ourselves smaller than who we essentially are. As a result, our potential has sometimes not fully come to light and some talents remain buried. Both in our work and in our private life.
Through messages from early and late authorities whose disapproval we do not want, we have banished our soul color with its original talents to the realm of darkness.
Of course, it is good to be critical of yourself, so that you are open to feedback and engage in self-reflection and thus continue to learn. Without this, you can be as damaging as an unscrupulous elephant walking through other people's china shops. However, if your critic goes too far, it makes you unnecessarily small, timid, paralyzed, or insecure. And your self-confidence goes down the drain. That does not do justice to your original raison d'être, to your soul that wants to live and express itself naturally.
HOW DO YOU GET RID OF AN OVERLY INNER CRITIC VOICE?
One solution is to ‘moderate’ your inner critic. Another solution is to activate your own soul color and your original proven or hidden talents. The latter is about empowerment, something they know more about in America. However, if that goes too far and the critic remains absent and no lessons are learned from one's own mistakes, it can also lead to unnecessary or even destructive consequences. In short, it's all about balance and moderation, which is something we can learn from each other's cultures.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE MORE YOURSELF AND NOT JUST ORDINARY?
Then take a look here, scroll down a little to the orange field and download a FREE promotional copy of the book: Spirited Personal Leadership.
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© 2025: Martin Thoolen
During my travels around the world, I found inspiration from unexpected encounters that I'd like to share with you. Sometimes you have to go (far) away to get closer. This time: ‘Coaching of Natives show what we have in common'.
Years ago, I was involved in a 10-day ceremonial event for Canadian First Nations Indians on Bella Bella Island on Canada's west coast. An unforgettable experience, especially because of the discoveries I made while coaching a number of First Nations Natives
I volunteered my services as a psychologist/coach and invited people to what I then called ‘Healing Talks’. I made a makeshift flyer to invite people. And miraculously, young and old people came to me, from whom I could learn more than I could from them. For they carried generations of wisdom that many, including myself, had long been cut off from. Nevertheless, they showed their appreciation for my listening ear and interventions.
One of my memories is of a young woman who had experienced incest, which deeply hurt her. She hadn't even talked about it with anyone out of shame! She had closed herself off to further contact with men, but she wasn't happy with that either. After sharing her story and hearing some of my suggestions for further action, she was visibly relieved.
An older Chief who came to me for help had previously been to a well-known psychologist with many titles in Vancouver. Upon arrival, she scolded him for being a few minutes late and forgot about him: "Who do you think you are!" His faith in mental health services had vanished like snow in the sun. Initially, he was very reserved with me, but his curiosity won, and afterward, I received an unforgettable hug.
What also became clear from the other coaching sessions? Even though we have cultural differences, we are all essentially the same. They too are people with egos, with wounds in their soul baggage that they carry and shape. They too have bright and dark sides, which sometimes lead to violence and crime. They too believe in a creative force that connects us, which they often describe as "Great Spirit." No difference.
These experiences have strengthened my belief that ego, soul, and spirit (consciousness) are universal keys to self-development, leading to greater inner and outer peace. You'll find this in my book "Spirited Personal Leadership." https://martinthoolen.com/en/publicaties/
“Ook al hebben we cultuurverschillen, we zijn in essentie allemaal hetzelfde”
How wonderful it is when we can look at the "person" behind culture, behind history, behind religion, behind the professional, behind every role we play in life and work. Then we can truly connect with ourselves and each other.
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
Here’s a short impression of some of my journeys of discovery. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ca58VpEoy_Y
#worldinspirations #travelstoriesmartinthoolen #spirit #synchroniciteit #synchronicity #firstnations © 2022: Martin Thoolen #personalleadership #inspiredleadership #spiritedpersonalleadership #mastercoursespritedp[ersonalleadership #peace #peaceonearth #coaching #training #personalleadership #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #personalleadership #leiderschap #spiritueelleiderschap #spiritedleadership #executivecoaching #leiderschap #leiderschapsontwikkeling #teamcoaching #collectiefleiderschap #professionalcoaching #coaching #businesscoaching#psychologyofselves #voicedialogue #egozielspirit #egosoulspirit #awarenessatwork #martinthoolen
During my travels around the world, I found inspiration from unexpected encounters that I'd like to share with you. Sometimes you have to go (far) away to get closer. This time: ‘What the Rainbow Shows and The Forgotten Light'.
Years ago, I was sailing on a ferry from England to Ireland. Imagine: cold, gray sky, gloomy decorations on the ship, drizzly, fog banks, rain and hours of sailing. It all looked a bit gloomy. After a few hours I started daydreaming. I looked outside and suddenly saw the sun peeping through the fog banks. And suddenly there was a crystal-clear rainbow.
I could only watch, until a voice out of nowhere told me: ‘All religions and individual souls are like colors of the rainbow. As one rises above the other, we contribute to inner and outer wars. The white, forgotten sunlight reminds us of what we have in common and where we come from and are going together.
Once we live with the common values of spirit (such as love, peace, tolerance, coexistence, forgiveness and wisdom), which you find in all religions, we make a true connection, with respect, and can create paradise on earth.'
“Spirit knows no hierarchy or exclusion”
Spirit knows no hierarchy or exclusion. If you work and live from a place of equality and inclusion, a whole (new) world will open up for you.
Here’s a short impression of some of my journeys of discovery..
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
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Truly listening to one other has become a rare commodity. Yet, 'deep listening' is a crucial key to moving beyond polarization towards harmony. Did you know that there are multiple levels of listening that can help you? But what are they, and what does each level give you and others? As an individual or in a team at work, but also in life together as people and nations? The benefits are enormous. Just take a look.
Listening to yourself is essential. But not if it comes at the expense of effectively listening to others. When that happens you don't build bridges of connection and true harmony. And it is precisely the latter that often proves to be neglected in practice, due to listening too much or only to yourself. That is why the focus of this article is on listening to others.
Deep listening means being able and willing to listen effectively to others at the following four levels: luisteren naar de ander:
© 2022: Model for Spirited Personal Leadership from the book of the same name (author: Martin Thoolen)
At every level of listening, there are pitfalls that you can unknowingly fall into, but also solutions to overcome them. This paves the way to achieving harmony with each other. Before I explain this, I'll first show you what deep listening gives you and what it requires of you.
Do you know that feeling when you don't feel heard or seen by someone? Whether it's your boss, colleague, or partner. Pretty annoying, right? Then you also know how important it is for someone else to truly listen to you.
If you expect that from someone else, why wouldn't you do the same for them? Because if you just wait for your turn to be heard and then you don’t listen to what the other has to say, you perpetuate polarization and the divide between you and the other person.
So, if you do truly listen to others, you come closer together. Mutual understanding is then more likely to arise. Then there will be no more heavy hearts, but relief and relaxation and (renewed) trust and harmony can arise. At every level: with your family, relatives, or neighbors. With your employees, stakeholders, and managers. With each other as people.
But that doesn't happen automatically. It demands something from you, but it also yields a great deal.
If you don't do this, you're more likely to perpetuate attitudes or to reinforce polarization with others. It's just like driving a car. Someone starts tailgating. They've started, but what do you actually do now? Slow down; brake; stay in front of the tailgater longer than necessary; give the middle finger; roll down the window and yell; run them off the road?
You are 100% responsible for absolutely all your own thoughts and behavior, regardless of what anyone else does.
“You are 100% responsible for absolutely all your own thoughts and behavior, regardless of what anyone else does.”
If you are ready and willing to do what is asked of you, the heavens can open for you
As mentioned, there are four levels of listening, from superficial to deep, each with its own pitfalls and solutions.
Listening starts with being silent and listening to the other person. And that can sometimes be quite difficult when you are emotional, feeling hurt, or wanting to get your point across. What helps with this is to be aware of the amount of time you are speaking during the conversation with someone. How much space do you actually give the other person? How often do you pause? How often do you invite the other person instead of telling your own story
Also pay attention to "coat-hanger" behavior. This is when you listen to someone and they say something you recognize, something you're touched by, or something you wanted to say yourself. Before you know it, you're attaching your own story to the other person's story, to their coat-hanger. And listening is gone, and you leave the other person out in the cold.
A slightly deeper level of listening arises when you show the other person that you're understanding them, also called "active listening." A basic communication skill for which I gave dozens of training sessions in the first years of my career. Nonverbally, you remain silent and give the other person space, nodding or humming positively, encouraging them to continue talking. And your posture expresses engagement with the other person. Verbally, you ask open-ended questions, probe to learn more about the other person's motivations, and provide periodical questioning summaries of what you thought you understood them to be saying. This makes the other person feel heard more quickly.
It's essential to carefully observe the other person's nonverbal signals and ask further questions, as these often reveal their true feelings. If someone frowns and says, "Fine," ask why. If someone angrily says, "Okay then," comment, "You sound a bit angry. Do you really want to do that?" This will help you get to the heart of the matter.
Research shows that 7% of verbal communication is determined by words, 35% by tone, and 55% by all remaining nonverbal cues. So avoid emails and apps where these signals can easily slip by, but pick up the phone or visit each other to achieve harmony.
"Avoid emails and apps, but pick up the phone or visit each other to achieve harmony."
Active listening only truly brings harmony when it's delivered authentically and with genuine interest. A pitfall here is that your listening may be biased and you don't truly respect the other person's words. You might also listen in a socially acceptable way or use polite and superficial terms when you don't actually want to hear the other person.
Open listening is sabotaged when your ego unknowingly takes over. It is the "I" with which you identify.
For example, if you strongly identify with a religion and elevate yours as better or more beneficial than another, you exclude the other. For example, I was recently surprised by a friend of mine who, as a Christian, completely dismissed all the deaths and atrocities in Gaza by the Israeli regime as media lies. The Good Samaritan was momentarily lost. Open listening was also momentarily lost.
A major challenge also arises when dealing with cultural differences. Over-identification with your own cultural characteristics and behaviors often throws a wrench in the works and can cost business relationships millions. Professor Fons Trompenaars explains this in detail and scientifically in his research and books. Transcending these dilemmas is achieved, among other things, by integrating that other culture into your own! Become partly Chinese when in contact with Chinese people. And these bridges connect you with others.
When your own ego is compromised, ego filters arise that block deep listening and harmony. For example, when someone else's words don't suit you, when you disagree with something, or when it doesn't seem to add value. Truly listening then goes against your own self-interest, which in turn governs your thinking.
"Truly listening goes against my own self-interest."
According to the founders of "The Psychology of Selves & Voice Dialogue" (Hal & Sidra Stone), whom I trained with in the USA, you can also view your own ego as an interplay of subpersonalities. In other words, like a bus that is (usually unconsciously) driven by your own ego passengers. If certain ego passengers strongly take over, you can use your existing skills all you want, but it won't work.
If your inner pusher takes the wheel, a tsunami of words can arise, taking up the other person's space. When your "instinctive side," as your ego passenger unconsciously takes over you will express yourself either verbally and passively, or actively and aggressively. You make comments like, "You should throw that into the toilet." When your "inner judge" is in charge, you form negative judgments about what the other person says or what you think they've said, and your listening becomes biased. As I recently experienced with someone who told me I'd made a very stupid choice. And his open listening was gone. When your "inner patriarch" drives you, you openly or secretly place yourself above the other person. As a listener, you internally dismiss the other person's words as less true or important than your own thoughts and words. Functionally "wisdom" then becomes stubbornness, and this crippling insistence creates distance.
In all these cases, there's often a false self-image. Beneath the surface, the other conversation partner, who can be listened to at those moments, often doesn't sense genuine willingness on your part. This also results in others no longer giving you genuine and honest feedback (even if you've politely asked for it). They think it's pointless anyway, and you're seen as too stubborn and not truly open.
As a listener, you often don't see the influence of your own ego because it plays out beneath the surface. Let alone admit it has an influence at all. So you've already taken a giant step toward true harmony if you recognize and, above all, acknowledge this influence within yourself. Are you willing to accept your own ego being hurt? If you have the courage to openly acknowledge this, you build a bridge of genuine connection with the other person.
What you can then do is self-regulate by inviting the opposite ego within you to sit at the table with the other person. A lot can often change when you stop letting your "pusher, instinctive, judger, and patriarch" speak for a good percentage of the time, and instead invite the other ego passengers on your ego bus into the conversation and your listening style. Think of your "inner pleaser," who genuinely listens to others and can truly empathize. Or your "being" side, which can quietly allow the other person to be fully present. Further development through the method of "Voice Dialogue" can systematically yield miracles of connection with others.
If we want to listen even deeper, we arrive at our soul. The "real, true self" within us. This is where we connect deeply, openly, powerfully, and vulnerably with others. We can meet another’s soul and give space to their right to exist, rather than focusing primarily on ourselves. When this happens, we truly allow what the other person says to sink in and can be genuinely moved ourselves; we listen intently. The other person feels safe to share their entire being with us. They feel truly heard and it is a balm for the soul.
A pitfall is being deeply affected by what the other person says or does, or has done or said. Especially if what you hear is unpleasant. From your own wounded soul, you then lash out, or shut down and put on a socially acceptable show. As a result, you keep thinking about the disappointment the other person seems to have caused you, and it continues to resonate within you. True connection and trust are then absent, because you haven't yet healed your own soul pain (of not being heard or seen yourself).
A second pitfall I sometimes fall into myself is that of the over-inspired soul: too passionate, too enthusiastic, too full of energy. You can become so absorbed in the soulful contact that you miss the other person's signals. For example, during an "Inner Nature" retreat in the Ardennes that I led, I was so engrossed in my story that I forgot I was going on too long and didn't notice people yawning. I had stopped listening to my participants.
When inspiration merges with ego-identifications, it can take destructive forms. You can lose yourself in your own fierceness, righteousness, or belief. Then you really are no longer open to listening to the other. The rigid blinders you wear narrow your view of them. You don't even really want to hear or face the other person's facts. You downplay or easily dismiss advice and sincere feedback from others. You then 'think' at those moments that 'other people' too readily follow advice from others and supposedly betray their own soul and authority, but surely you don't. From this illusion, you rush ahead with your own unshakeable faith, supposed inner strength, and 'false' authority, which destroys more relationships than many of us would care to see.
How can you optimally use your soul to listen more deeply to others? If you are aware of the pitfalls mentioned, you have won half the battle. Dare to admit that you have temporarily let yourself go too much and then, or later, give space to the other person. Ask the other person what truly moves them, truly motivates them, and what they actually think about something.
The soul often speaks more readily when you use the following words: loved, genuine, pure, essential, truly, really, original, natural. Ask about the deeper longing that lies dormant within someone, the emotional pain they've been carrying for a while, or the original talents and dreams they long to pursue, and you'll have a conversation where heart and soul are fully expressed.
There is an even deeper and more expansive dimension from which you can listen to others. That is the universal consciousness and the creative source from which everything originates and flows, which you could also call "spirit." Sounds vague, doesn't it? Until you realize that listening from this dimension is characterized by several very concrete qualities. Let me mention a few that you can put to work immediately.
Listening from spirit transcends listening from an unconscious ego and a wounded soul. At this level, you are aware of the impact of your own hurt, pain, and ego that drive your behavior as a listener. You are then freer not to project your own unresolved issues onto the other person. You don't react out of frustration just because your own expectations haven't been met by the speaker. You simply observe and see the consequences, without any judgment of the other person or yourself.
The speaker opposite you energetically senses that you are "clean inside," allowing the heavens to open up in the contact.
When you, as a listener, listen to the other person from spirit, there are no hidden agendas or secrets. There is no fear, shame, or guilt about losing anything in the connection with the other. There is complete transparency in the exchange of words and energy with the other. You listen from a childlike innocence that creates space and trust to face and express all aspects of light and shadow. Like confession in church, where—if all goes well—the listener listens like that. And then the speaker walks out the door with a palpable sense of relief when everything that was troubling them has been discussed. As if a dark cloud has lifted and the sun has started to shine within.
You achieve this clarity and impact as a listener when you thoroughly understand and are open to your own light and shadow aspects.
Spirit excludes nothing, because everything originates from there and returns to it. Only ego creates exclusion. From this position, the listener feels the freedom to be completely themselves, which brings much more essential information to the table.
"Only ego creates exclusion"
Spirit knows no overt or covert hierarchy. It doesn't know a pyramid structure like an ego-matrix with people at the top. No, it puts an end to that irrevocably. As a listener, you don't take over the conversation to share your own so-called important knowledge. As a listener, you place yourself at the service of the other person's story. Regardless of experience, background, education level, or anything else, as a listener, you look solely at 'the person' sitting across from you. This sincere attitude opens doors in contact with the other person.
"Spirit knows no hierarchy"
At this level, there is no judgment of others in your thoughts or (verbal) behavior. There is no emotional charge of fierceness, cynicism, or anything else. You listen with "Spock ears", occasionally interjecting the word "fascinating." From an inquisitive mind that wants to know and learn more, you ask further questions out of curiosity. Not only is your sincere interest as a listener appreciated by the speaker, it also demonstrates that you genuinely want to understand their underlying motivations, to truly understand the other person, which often leads to greater harmony.
Even if you, as a listener, disagree with the other person, you remain genuinely friendly (not in a socially acceptable way, but connected to your heart, sincerely). As Barack Obama demonstrated when he received a fierce reaction from the audience behind him. Instead of continuing his speech, he turned around. Not to respond with a fierce reaction, as you sometimes see, but he said: "You are passionate and are concerned that my plans might harm you." As a listener, he built a bridge instead of a wall with the other person.
"Spirit knows no walls"
Spirit primarily listens to the energy from which something can be heard, not so much the temporary form in which it resides. That's why you can listen to people, but what about birds? Imagine there were no birds at all on this earth. Just imagine it for a minute. There's so much more to listen to. Many indigenous people I've visited on my travels therefore talk about listening to the heart of Mother Earth and her rhythm. Through drumming ceremonies, they often experience a deep connection. From this comes a deep respect for the Earth, which, as its temporary host, makes life here possible for you. Something many of us have simply forgotten.
Spirit also reveals itself in your listening when intuition is given space. As I experienced during a recent coaching session where a Senior Researcher at a Ministry expressed his desire to ultimately work with animals. Before this even came up, I shared that I kept getting images of cats and other animals from her. She was completely "on." Immediately afterward, I conducted a voice dialogue session where we spoke to the part of her that was the animal lover. She was standing by the balcony with an open door, and literally at that moment, a pigeon flew in and sat at her feet, 2 feet away, for three minutes. What a cosmic wink. After all, from a spiritual perspective, everything is connected to everything else, it’s just that we don't always see it.
You've seen that there are four dimensions of deep listening, each with their own pitfalls and solutions. If you are truly willing to focus solely and continuously on yourself as a listener and really listen to others, harmony will be at your doorstep.
However, listening requires the other person to be present. Due to excessive ego or a wounded soul, the other person may not (yet) be ready to engage in dialogue with you. Let things flow, always keep the door ajar, and invite even if your outstretched hand isn't always accepted. Everyone has their own pace of development. Then focus on others who have the courage to do so, and thus create harmony with those who are willing and able. The world around you will become much more beautiful.
"The deeper you listen, the more beautiful it becomes."
Try "deep listening" more often. Don't do it as a one-time act, but see it as a process where you can grow at an increasingly deeper level and truly connect with each other.
Above all, I wish you much joy in this journey of discovery and the beauty that can come to you as a listener.
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