Truly listening to one other has become a rare commodity. Yet, 'deep listening' is a crucial key to moving beyond polarization towards harmony. Did you know that there are multiple levels of listening that can help you? But what are they, and what does each level give you and others? As an individual or in a team at work, but also in life together as people and nations? The benefits are enormous. Just take a look.
Listening to yourself is essential. But not if it comes at the expense of effectively listening to others. When that happens you don't build bridges of connection and true harmony. And it is precisely the latter that often proves to be neglected in practice, due to listening too much or only to yourself. That is why the focus of this article is on listening to others.
Deep listening means being able and willing to listen effectively to others at the following four levels: luisteren naar de ander:
© 2022: Model for Spirited Personal Leadership from the book of the same name (author: Martin Thoolen)
At every level of listening, there are pitfalls that you can unknowingly fall into, but also solutions to overcome them. This paves the way to achieving harmony with each other. Before I explain this, I'll first show you what deep listening gives you and what it requires of you.
Do you know that feeling when you don't feel heard or seen by someone? Whether it's your boss, colleague, or partner. Pretty annoying, right? Then you also know how important it is for someone else to truly listen to you.
If you expect that from someone else, why wouldn't you do the same for them? Because if you just wait for your turn to be heard and then you don’t listen to what the other has to say, you perpetuate polarization and the divide between you and the other person.
So, if you do truly listen to others, you come closer together. Mutual understanding is then more likely to arise. Then there will be no more heavy hearts, but relief and relaxation and (renewed) trust and harmony can arise. At every level: with your family, relatives, or neighbors. With your employees, stakeholders, and managers. With each other as people.
But that doesn't happen automatically. It demands something from you, but it also yields a great deal.
If you don't do this, you're more likely to perpetuate attitudes or to reinforce polarization with others. It's just like driving a car. Someone starts tailgating. They've started, but what do you actually do now? Slow down; brake; stay in front of the tailgater longer than necessary; give the middle finger; roll down the window and yell; run them off the road?
You are 100% responsible for absolutely all your own thoughts and behavior, regardless of what anyone else does.
“You are 100% responsible for absolutely all your own thoughts and behavior, regardless of what anyone else does.”
If you are ready and willing to do what is asked of you, the heavens can open for you
As mentioned, there are four levels of listening, from superficial to deep, each with its own pitfalls and solutions.
Listening starts with being silent and listening to the other person. And that can sometimes be quite difficult when you are emotional, feeling hurt, or wanting to get your point across. What helps with this is to be aware of the amount of time you are speaking during the conversation with someone. How much space do you actually give the other person? How often do you pause? How often do you invite the other person instead of telling your own story
Also pay attention to "coat-hanger" behavior. This is when you listen to someone and they say something you recognize, something you're touched by, or something you wanted to say yourself. Before you know it, you're attaching your own story to the other person's story, to their coat-hanger. And listening is gone, and you leave the other person out in the cold.
A slightly deeper level of listening arises when you show the other person that you're understanding them, also called "active listening." A basic communication skill for which I gave dozens of training sessions in the first years of my career. Nonverbally, you remain silent and give the other person space, nodding or humming positively, encouraging them to continue talking. And your posture expresses engagement with the other person. Verbally, you ask open-ended questions, probe to learn more about the other person's motivations, and provide periodical questioning summaries of what you thought you understood them to be saying. This makes the other person feel heard more quickly.
It's essential to carefully observe the other person's nonverbal signals and ask further questions, as these often reveal their true feelings. If someone frowns and says, "Fine," ask why. If someone angrily says, "Okay then," comment, "You sound a bit angry. Do you really want to do that?" This will help you get to the heart of the matter.
Research shows that 7% of verbal communication is determined by words, 35% by tone, and 55% by all remaining nonverbal cues. So avoid emails and apps where these signals can easily slip by, but pick up the phone or visit each other to achieve harmony.
"Avoid emails and apps, but pick up the phone or visit each other to achieve harmony."
Active listening only truly brings harmony when it's delivered authentically and with genuine interest. A pitfall here is that your listening may be biased and you don't truly respect the other person's words. You might also listen in a socially acceptable way or use polite and superficial terms when you don't actually want to hear the other person.
Open listening is sabotaged when your ego unknowingly takes over. It is the "I" with which you identify.
For example, if you strongly identify with a religion and elevate yours as better or more beneficial than another, you exclude the other. For example, I was recently surprised by a friend of mine who, as a Christian, completely dismissed all the deaths and atrocities in Gaza by the Israeli regime as media lies. The Good Samaritan was momentarily lost. Open listening was also momentarily lost.
A major challenge also arises when dealing with cultural differences. Over-identification with your own cultural characteristics and behaviors often throws a wrench in the works and can cost business relationships millions. Professor Fons Trompenaars explains this in detail and scientifically in his research and books. Transcending these dilemmas is achieved, among other things, by integrating that other culture into your own! Become partly Chinese when in contact with Chinese people. And these bridges connect you with others.
When your own ego is compromised, ego filters arise that block deep listening and harmony. For example, when someone else's words don't suit you, when you disagree with something, or when it doesn't seem to add value. Truly listening then goes against your own self-interest, which in turn governs your thinking.
"Truly listening goes against my own self-interest."
According to the founders of "The Psychology of Selves & Voice Dialogue" (Hal & Sidra Stone), whom I trained with in the USA, you can also view your own ego as an interplay of subpersonalities. In other words, like a bus that is (usually unconsciously) driven by your own ego passengers. If certain ego passengers strongly take over, you can use your existing skills all you want, but it won't work.
If your inner pusher takes the wheel, a tsunami of words can arise, taking up the other person's space. When your "instinctive side," as your ego passenger unconsciously takes over you will express yourself either verbally and passively, or actively and aggressively. You make comments like, "You should throw that into the toilet." When your "inner judge" is in charge, you form negative judgments about what the other person says or what you think they've said, and your listening becomes biased. As I recently experienced with someone who told me I'd made a very stupid choice. And his open listening was gone. When your "inner patriarch" drives you, you openly or secretly place yourself above the other person. As a listener, you internally dismiss the other person's words as less true or important than your own thoughts and words. Functionally "wisdom" then becomes stubbornness, and this crippling insistence creates distance.
In all these cases, there's often a false self-image. Beneath the surface, the other conversation partner, who can be listened to at those moments, often doesn't sense genuine willingness on your part. This also results in others no longer giving you genuine and honest feedback (even if you've politely asked for it). They think it's pointless anyway, and you're seen as too stubborn and not truly open.
As a listener, you often don't see the influence of your own ego because it plays out beneath the surface. Let alone admit it has an influence at all. So you've already taken a giant step toward true harmony if you recognize and, above all, acknowledge this influence within yourself. Are you willing to accept your own ego being hurt? If you have the courage to openly acknowledge this, you build a bridge of genuine connection with the other person.
What you can then do is self-regulate by inviting the opposite ego within you to sit at the table with the other person. A lot can often change when you stop letting your "pusher, instinctive, judger, and patriarch" speak for a good percentage of the time, and instead invite the other ego passengers on your ego bus into the conversation and your listening style. Think of your "inner pleaser," who genuinely listens to others and can truly empathize. Or your "being" side, which can quietly allow the other person to be fully present. Further development through the method of "Voice Dialogue" can systematically yield miracles of connection with others.
If we want to listen even deeper, we arrive at our soul. The "real, true self" within us. This is where we connect deeply, openly, powerfully, and vulnerably with others. We can meet another’s soul and give space to their right to exist, rather than focusing primarily on ourselves. When this happens, we truly allow what the other person says to sink in and can be genuinely moved ourselves; we listen intently. The other person feels safe to share their entire being with us. They feel truly heard and it is a balm for the soul.
A pitfall is being deeply affected by what the other person says or does, or has done or said. Especially if what you hear is unpleasant. From your own wounded soul, you then lash out, or shut down and put on a socially acceptable show. As a result, you keep thinking about the disappointment the other person seems to have caused you, and it continues to resonate within you. True connection and trust are then absent, because you haven't yet healed your own soul pain (of not being heard or seen yourself).
A second pitfall I sometimes fall into myself is that of the over-inspired soul: too passionate, too enthusiastic, too full of energy. You can become so absorbed in the soulful contact that you miss the other person's signals. For example, during an "Inner Nature" retreat in the Ardennes that I led, I was so engrossed in my story that I forgot I was going on too long and didn't notice people yawning. I had stopped listening to my participants.
When inspiration merges with ego-identifications, it can take destructive forms. You can lose yourself in your own fierceness, righteousness, or belief. Then you really are no longer open to listening to the other. The rigid blinders you wear narrow your view of them. You don't even really want to hear or face the other person's facts. You downplay or easily dismiss advice and sincere feedback from others. You then 'think' at those moments that 'other people' too readily follow advice from others and supposedly betray their own soul and authority, but surely you don't. From this illusion, you rush ahead with your own unshakeable faith, supposed inner strength, and 'false' authority, which destroys more relationships than many of us would care to see.
How can you optimally use your soul to listen more deeply to others? If you are aware of the pitfalls mentioned, you have won half the battle. Dare to admit that you have temporarily let yourself go too much and then, or later, give space to the other person. Ask the other person what truly moves them, truly motivates them, and what they actually think about something.
The soul often speaks more readily when you use the following words: loved, genuine, pure, essential, truly, really, original, natural. Ask about the deeper longing that lies dormant within someone, the emotional pain they've been carrying for a while, or the original talents and dreams they long to pursue, and you'll have a conversation where heart and soul are fully expressed.
There is an even deeper and more expansive dimension from which you can listen to others. That is the universal consciousness and the creative source from which everything originates and flows, which you could also call "spirit." Sounds vague, doesn't it? Until you realize that listening from this dimension is characterized by several very concrete qualities. Let me mention a few that you can put to work immediately.
Listening from spirit transcends listening from an unconscious ego and a wounded soul. At this level, you are aware of the impact of your own hurt, pain, and ego that drive your behavior as a listener. You are then freer not to project your own unresolved issues onto the other person. You don't react out of frustration just because your own expectations haven't been met by the speaker. You simply observe and see the consequences, without any judgment of the other person or yourself.
The speaker opposite you energetically senses that you are "clean inside," allowing the heavens to open up in the contact.
When you, as a listener, listen to the other person from spirit, there are no hidden agendas or secrets. There is no fear, shame, or guilt about losing anything in the connection with the other. There is complete transparency in the exchange of words and energy with the other. You listen from a childlike innocence that creates space and trust to face and express all aspects of light and shadow. Like confession in church, where—if all goes well—the listener listens like that. And then the speaker walks out the door with a palpable sense of relief when everything that was troubling them has been discussed. As if a dark cloud has lifted and the sun has started to shine within.
You achieve this clarity and impact as a listener when you thoroughly understand and are open to your own light and shadow aspects.
Spirit excludes nothing, because everything originates from there and returns to it. Only ego creates exclusion. From this position, the listener feels the freedom to be completely themselves, which brings much more essential information to the table.
"Only ego creates exclusion"
Spirit knows no overt or covert hierarchy. It doesn't know a pyramid structure like an ego-matrix with people at the top. No, it puts an end to that irrevocably. As a listener, you don't take over the conversation to share your own so-called important knowledge. As a listener, you place yourself at the service of the other person's story. Regardless of experience, background, education level, or anything else, as a listener, you look solely at 'the person' sitting across from you. This sincere attitude opens doors in contact with the other person.
"Spirit knows no hierarchy"
At this level, there is no judgment of others in your thoughts or (verbal) behavior. There is no emotional charge of fierceness, cynicism, or anything else. You listen with "Spock ears", occasionally interjecting the word "fascinating." From an inquisitive mind that wants to know and learn more, you ask further questions out of curiosity. Not only is your sincere interest as a listener appreciated by the speaker, it also demonstrates that you genuinely want to understand their underlying motivations, to truly understand the other person, which often leads to greater harmony.
Even if you, as a listener, disagree with the other person, you remain genuinely friendly (not in a socially acceptable way, but connected to your heart, sincerely). As Barack Obama demonstrated when he received a fierce reaction from the audience behind him. Instead of continuing his speech, he turned around. Not to respond with a fierce reaction, as you sometimes see, but he said: "You are passionate and are concerned that my plans might harm you." As a listener, he built a bridge instead of a wall with the other person.
"Spirit knows no walls"
Spirit primarily listens to the energy from which something can be heard, not so much the temporary form in which it resides. That's why you can listen to people, but what about birds? Imagine there were no birds at all on this earth. Just imagine it for a minute. There's so much more to listen to. Many indigenous people I've visited on my travels therefore talk about listening to the heart of Mother Earth and her rhythm. Through drumming ceremonies, they often experience a deep connection. From this comes a deep respect for the Earth, which, as its temporary host, makes life here possible for you. Something many of us have simply forgotten.
Spirit also reveals itself in your listening when intuition is given space. As I experienced during a recent coaching session where a Senior Researcher at a Ministry expressed his desire to ultimately work with animals. Before this even came up, I shared that I kept getting images of cats and other animals from her. She was completely "on." Immediately afterward, I conducted a voice dialogue session where we spoke to the part of her that was the animal lover. She was standing by the balcony with an open door, and literally at that moment, a pigeon flew in and sat at her feet, 2 feet away, for three minutes. What a cosmic wink. After all, from a spiritual perspective, everything is connected to everything else, it’s just that we don't always see it.
You've seen that there are four dimensions of deep listening, each with their own pitfalls and solutions. If you are truly willing to focus solely and continuously on yourself as a listener and really listen to others, harmony will be at your doorstep.
However, listening requires the other person to be present. Due to excessive ego or a wounded soul, the other person may not (yet) be ready to engage in dialogue with you. Let things flow, always keep the door ajar, and invite even if your outstretched hand isn't always accepted. Everyone has their own pace of development. Then focus on others who have the courage to do so, and thus create harmony with those who are willing and able. The world around you will become much more beautiful.
"The deeper you listen, the more beautiful it becomes."
Try "deep listening" more often. Don't do it as a one-time act, but see it as a process where you can grow at an increasingly deeper level and truly connect with each other.
Above all, I wish you much joy in this journey of discovery and the beauty that can come to you as a listener.
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Am I doing what I truly want and can do? What am I actually contributing to? What am I doing here? Is this all there is to it? These are questions I increasingly receive from my clients.
In this dark world, we sometimes lose our own meaning and positivity. Want to know how your work and life can become more positive and actually contribute to a better world?
Receive a FREE promotional copy of the book "Spirited Personal Leadership – for more effective work, a meaningful life, and a better world" right away. Simply enter your name and email address to download the PDF. Click here and scroll down to the orange input field: https://martinthoolen.com/en/publicaties/ https://martinthoolen.com/publicaties/en
“Absolutely recommended! Beautifully profound and very practical! A masterpiece. Inspiring and down-to-earth. I wish I'd known this in my youth. Written perfectly for me! What a wonderful book! Very valuable!” (reviews readers).
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I hope you had a nice break from work. You’ve refueled. Wonderful… And now?
Before you know it, you've forgotten all about your vacation. Right?
Your calendar and inbox are overflowing, deadlines are looming, and before you know it, you're back in the thick of it.
Would you like to avoid the trap of excessive workload this time and continue working with enjoyment and positive energy?
Coming from a background of 35 years’ experience in training and coaching, including in the areas of workload, sustainable employability, and reintegration, I'd like to share my best tips with you.
Back to work: from relaxed to overloaded?
And boom! You're feeling worn out again after just three weeks. So you wonder:
Where has my energy gone? How can I keep that candle burning?
Everything is energy. You are energy, too. Your body is just a temporary energy container. The more energy you expend, the more you will need to replenish it. Just like a car. It can't run without fuel, and without regular maintenance it’ll rust stuck.
"Everything is energy"
So you simply must refuel every now and then. You usually do that on vacation. By not thinking, but simply being. Your energy is completely replenished without you even realizing it.
Back at work, all that often fades into the background. Work is like running a marathon and vacations are the finish line. Exhausted, you go on another vacation to recover, only to do the same thing all over again. And sometimes you work until you are ready to collapse. And your "thinking cap” is always on. Like how you worry about your work in the evenings.
You can maintain a healthy work-life balance on three levels:
From © 2022: Spirited Personal Leadership (Martin Thoolen): Spirited Personal Leadership Model TM
You'll find relief if you work more effectively and efficiently by managing time and stress. Try the following tips:
TIP 1: SET THE RIGHT PRIORITIES
Before you do something you feel obliged ask yourself the following four questions and maybe try to do things differently for a change:
1. Why does this need to be done?
2. Why me?
3. Why now?
4. Why like this?
TIP 2: PLAN BREAKTIME AND TAKE REGULAR BREAKS
Incorporate at least 20% of free time into your schedule. Spontaneous events and regular breaks ensure your schedule doesn't blow up. Make sure you take a short break every 1.5 hours and actually step away from your workstation. This distance often provides more breathing room and relaxation. You'll recharge without even realizing it.
TIP 3: DELEGATE
Ask someone else to take over a task. Don't be afraid to challenge someone if the work is becoming too much for you.
TIP 4: LISTEN AND ACT IN ACCORDANCE WITH YOUR BODY
Your body is a brilliant stress scanner. It accurately tells you whether you're heading towards stress or burnout: chronic fatigue, worrying, poor sleep, physical complaints and much more. The question isn't so much whether your body registers it, but rather whether you recognize your body's signals. Once you do, dare to set healthy boundaries for what your body demands of you.
"Your body is a brilliant stress scanner"
TIP 5: EXERCISE
Give yourself a healthy kick in the butt. Research shows that exercise reduces the negative effects of stress and contributes to a positive mood and better mental health. A half-hour walk every day or doing yoga or going to the gym—it all helps.
One way to look at your ego is to imagine you're a bus with various ego passengers, some of whom may decide to take the wheel, unbeknownst to you. When pleaser the pleaser takes over, you will try to do everything you can to meet someone else’s needs. When the pusher When the pusher is driving, feel compelled doing everything you you’re doing without allowing yourself a break. The perfectionist generates top quality work and beauty in form, but can also waste a lot of extra time, which can leave you in a crunch.
These three ego powerhouses (pleaser, pusher, and perfectionist) are favorites with employers because what they do for them is significant and valuable, in return for reward and appreciation. There's nothing wrong with that, but these three Ps are also the biggest causes of exhaustion.
TIP 6: DOSE YOUR INNER PLEASER, PUSHER, AND PERFECTIONIST
Dose the three ego passengers by allowing their opposites at the wheel.
1. Dare to set healthy boundaries and, therefore, be seen as unfriendly.
2. Take more time to relax during the day to recharge.
3. Let go of your perfectionism and, if necessary, ask someone else to monitor the quality of your work.
The foundation of your vital energy is your inspiration. Because when you do what inspires you, you are connected to a much larger source of inexhaustible energy: consciousness or spirit. Sometimes you can tweak the external aspects (with your behavior, time, and stress management), but a structural energy leak remains. The nagging feeling of not being completely comfortable in your work continues.
Sometimes you work on fertile ground for a while, sometimes on arid, or even toxic soil. When arid, you lack challenge and inspiration. When toxic, work gets under your skin, and it keeps you occupied at night more than you'd like. It’s important to be aware of this, because any systems and relationships that don't allow space for the existence and the unique expression of the soul, imprison your soul and can make your body seriously ill.
“All systems and relationships that do not give space to the existence and the unique expression of the soul, imprison the soul and can make your body seriously ill”.
Therefore, it is sensible to occasionally examine and recalibrate your own career and your current performance.
TIP 7: RE-CALIBRATE YOUR INSPIRED CAREER
Ask yourself the following questions and answer sincerely from your heart and soul:
1. Am I currently doing what I want to and can do?
2. Am I my best self here?
3. Am I happy with my work?
4. Do I get energy from my work?
5. What do my dreams tell me? [insert link] (New tips for this in the blog: https://martinthoolen.com/en/nieuwe-loopbaanstap-gebruik-je-dromen/)
6. What would I do differently if my spirit had more breathing room?
When your soul is speaking, you often recognize it by the following words that may pop into your mind: actually, preferably, really, truly, essentially. Sneak up on what's wérkelijk truly going on inside you and dare to make new, well-considered choices. Because sometimes it's cowardly to leave, but sometimes it's cowardly to stay (Peter Delahay).
"Because sometimes it's cowardly to leave, but sometimes it's cowardly to stay."
(Peter Delahay)
What can you do to continue working with vitality after your vacation?
Don't wait until the next vacation to recharge.
Build in recharge moments, every week and every day, so you can continue working with pleasure, energy, and focus.
Want to know more about what you can do? Check out coaching for burnout and sustainable employability here: https://martinthoolen.com/en/service/coaching-vitaliteit-duurzame-inzetbaarheid/
I wish you an energetic and positive remainder of your working year.
© 2025: Martin Thoolen
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“When spirit comes through, the perpetrator-victim cycle is broken and individual and collective karmas and traumas are resolved. Through dialogue, forgiveness, tolerance, understanding, recognition and sincere apologies, the soul can heal and can we come to our true selves and each other again”.
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Dreams appear to be a particularly valuable source of information for your career development; in some cases, they may even be the best compass. This is evident from the 35 years that I have been working on this subject matter with thousands of clients. Would you like to know how that works and how you can apply it for yourself? Check out this article and be surprised by the intelligence of your own hidden ‘psyche’, or that of your clients.
Who hasn’t had some of the feelings described below at some point in their career:
You no longer see any challenges and your work is just a routine. You simply don’t know which direction you want your career to take. You have lost your job or are in danger of losing it. You are fed up with your manager and he isn’t going anywhere any time soon. You have come into conflict with your manager or supervisory board. You just want something completely different, something that you can excel at. You are in a toxic work environment.. In short, your compass is (temporarily) off kilter and you’re really just wandering around aimlessly.
How do you find a new direction in your career?
To figure out what a good next step is for you, you want to find something that really suits you. It turns out that you structurally have the most fun and come into your own in your job if, that what you feel compelled do:
To see what you can do, you can take a broad look at three aspects: the current knowledge that is required for your position, and the required task-oriented, and behavioral, competencies. In order to find the most ‘suitable’ job, you need enough chutzpah, courage and self-confidence to take your career step. Or maybe not yet: You may have to develop something ‘extra’ or learn how to deal with your obstacles more effectively.
To get a good idea of what you can do, can do, there are various adequate assessment tools, such as required diplomas, questionnaires (which map out aspects of your personality, for example), selection interviews; assessment exercises, such as role-playing exercises or answering practical cases, etc.
“But does what you are good at and dare to do really suit you?”
This may be one of the biggest pitfalls that is sometimes glossed over in career paths. Suppose you are going to do something new, something that you are good at and have had good experiences with in the past. Your résumé bears witness to this. Before you know it, you are again doing more of the same and something remains unfulfilled in you that will eventually rear its head again. You just ran over another essential voice of yourself: your soul.
In order to see what you are naturally good at and what you are longing for, we have to dig a lot deeper than our ego (and personality) qualities tell you, to look at what really inspires you. One of the ways to gain insight into what inspires you is through your dreams. Why?
In essence, everything is connected to everything (on a spirit level), as you can read in my book ‘Spirited Personal Leadership’. Disembodied souls are connected to embodied souls; humans to animals, plants and earth; ebb to flow; exertion to relaxation; and daytime to nightlife. Our psyche is so intelligent that it provides keys in symbolic language in dreams, that open new doors in your career. They are a gateway to your subconscious which can help you.
“Our psyche is so intelligent that it provides keys in symbolic language in dreams, that open new doors in your career.”
However, you may not always want to take the time to tap into the richness of your dreams if you cannot immediately give them a place.
Carl Gustav Jung did groundbreaking work in the field of dreams and their meaning. You can have all kinds of dreams, some of which have more meaning to you than others. In many ancient cultures, dreams have been viewed as valuable information carriers for centuries, while modern western societies have largely cut themselves off from this. For example, there are ‘daily processing dreams’, in which you see yourself in situations that are related to what you were doing during the day.
You could have anxiety dreams/nightmares, in which you may experience threats, such as being chased or falling into a hole, or the surfacing of old, unresolved issues.
There are also wishful dreams, which give form to what you would like to experience in your life or work.There are ‘predictive dreams’, where you may recognize elements from your dream later on in everyday reality.
Then there are ‘repetitive dreams’, which return periodically, and ‘big dreams’ that mark or announce a turning point, in your life or work, at a fundamental level. Below you can read an example of this type of dream. And some people experience their dream as a gateway to another dimension, or suddenly feel a connection with a ‘deceased’ loved one. Combinations of different types of dreams are also possible.
In short, not all dreams will give you information related to your career. Chances are, however, that when you have been thinking about career development for a while, meaningful dreams will present themselves.
Let's look at three examples of how dreams can help you in concrete ways.
James is a manager at a large company. He does his job well, works hard and has a heart for the business. He just finds it difficult to delegate things to
his employees. In addition, he takes little time for himself and his family and the home front regularly confront him about this. He often sleeps only five hours a night, has been very tired for a long time and suffers from Repetitive Stress Injury. Yet he wants to take another step up in his career, despite all the signals.
James' goal in one of my 'Self-management/Personal Leadership' training courses was: to create more balance between work and private life. He tells us about a repetitive dream that he has had for eleven years and that comes back about every three months. And now it has happened again, during the workshop. In the dream he is in an airplane high in the air.
He is behind the controls himself. One of the engines of the airplane is on fire. The fuel is leaking and it is getting hotter and hotter in the plane. He tries with all his might to still fly it properly. He wakes up bathing in a pool of sweat.
He talked about the dream with sweat on his forehead and I asked him what had happened eleven years ago in his life when these dreams started. So what did it turn out to be?
Eleven years ago, he had taken on a demanding job and in fact his workload had always remained (too) high in the years that followed. His ‘pusher’ had been putting in lots of overtime, for years. As a high flyer with only one engine working he could easily crash and he had now entered that danger zone. His fuel (energy) was running out not just in his dream, but also in reality. Especially when he retold the dream from the perspective of the plane, which was actually a part of him. He had been flying too high in his job for years, which caused him a lot of stress.
This realization, which felt like a deeper truth, hit him so hard that he decided that things could no longer go on like this. He then invited his relaxed side to be a part of his work and life. Weeks later I saw him and he told me he had chosen a different position that came with less pressure. He was beaming again, as usual.
Chantal is a young, talented and ambitious woman who is quickly making great strides as a government trainee within a ministry. However, she notices that she is drained by the toxic work environment in which she finds herself: many colleagues are complaining among themselves in the office gardens; her boss, who mainly thinks of her own skin, keeps changing directions; and, projects that she has worked hard on are simply swept off the table for political reasons. Because she felt that she was in danger of having a burn-out at a young age, she came to me for coaching.
Mark, a colleague, had already said goodbye and left earlier. She noticed that she was somewhat jealous of that and that it partly mirrored her own desire. And then she dreamed.
She stood nexttoto her colleague Mark, looking out of the 11th floor window of her office building. All they could see was a very large ocean. When she zoomed in, she saw three whales swimming along, swaying so gracefully in the waves and yet following their own course in the flow. For a moment she thought: ‘I wish I could be like that’.
At the protest site in front of her office building (where protests against policy commonly take place) there appeared to be a production machine of some kind, which captured the three whales and proceeded to grind them up.
When she retold the dream from the perspective of the whales, she became very sad. She realized more strongly now than ever before that her soul just couldn’t flow as long as she was in her current position and work environment. This was an important push and it gave her energy to look for something new where she can ‘swim’ in a focused way.
John has been walking around at loose ends at work for a while now. He has been unhappy for over two years: too much work pressure, too few challenges and too little growth, plus a demotivating manager. He has received a wonderful and unique offer from a friend to come work elsewhere. Except that means thirty minutes more travel, the idea of which he rather dislikes. However, at the very moment when he deciding to choose certainty and travel convenience, he is scolded once again by his manager. He keeps doubting himself, until one day he wants to enter his office but his door is locked, something that has never happened before in all those years. To make matters worse, the notepad he brought with him falls from his hands onto the floor by the door. A page falls out with the word ‘end’ written at the bottom. How much clearer of a wink can you get from the cosmos!
The next day John is busy working as usual. He is actually planning to skip his lunch break to be able to finish all his work for the day. But something inside him tells him that he has to go out for a while. On his lunch break, without even thinking about it, he automatically walks into his favorite bookstore which is located next door to his office. His eyes, also automatically, go to a book that is directly in front of him, entitled ‘Zonder einde’ (Without End), by a gentleman named Hans Korteweg. Now he has an epiphany as the thought immediately flashes through his mind: is my current job without end?
That same evening he muses about everything that has happened and he lets his feelings simmer. Should he really quit his job now? Suddenly he realizes
that he has lost a lot of himself in his current job, but he has been trivializing that fact until now. New, interesting challenges that were promised to him have been taken away in the past two years. He has been increasingly constrained to tasks that his heart really wasn’t into. On top of that, there was the structural snarling of his boss and the increased workload.
The next morning he wakes up in a sweat from a dream in which he was chained inside a prison, with his boss as the guard. In his cell he did the usual every day occupational therapy: sorting screws and craft supplies.
He realizes that this image reflected exactly how he has felt at work for the past year: as a slave to his boss. He shares all his findings
and feelings with his partner, who asks him what he really wants, right now, ‘deep down’, which suddenly makes him burst with sadness. He decides now he’s really going to quit his job and take the new one. A yoke of burden falls from his shoulders. After six months in his new job, he goes to work whistling again like In the old days.
All three dreams were turning points for my clients to take a new career step that basically gave them more pleasure, energy, balance and effectiveness.
If you want to see for yourself what a dream is trying to tell you, do your best to remember it and investigate it further. Here are some practical tips:
(This exercise is from the book 'Spirited Personal Leadership - M. Thoolen).
Go tohttps://martinthoolen.com/en/service/loopbaancoaching/
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Whether you are a government leader or a spiritual leader, a political or organizational leader, a CEO or CFO of a company, a manager in a company or government agency, or a parent, your actions have a direct impact on the people you lead. And the greater the ‘span of control’, the greater your impact and responsibility.
But how do you make a better world? What hidden forces are at play in the background in you and in other leaders, who do or do not contribute to this? Below you will find a number of answers.
One way of looking at improving the world is to only make it better for ‘my children’, ‘my club’, ‘my organization’, ‘my party members’, ‘my people’. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, except when it’s at the expense of others, because then you yourself are contributing to exclusion. The danger lies in favoring one group at the expense of others. In actuality, ‘better’ is a very simple concept, namely: better for everyone!
But what then is keeping us from making it better for everyone? Too much ego, along with unprocessed soul pain, make it so our history of wars repeats itself, both on an individual and collective level.
“ Too much ego along with unprocessed soul pain make it so our history of wars repeats itself, both on an individual and collective level.”
How does too much ego manifest itself in leadership, for example? Like a client of mine who recently told me that she was literally thrown out on the street by her mother when she was younger, simply because she had not put a vase with flowers back in the right place. Whereas, when her ‘better’ sister did the same, she got forgiveness and went scot free. As a leader, the mother placed one child above the other.
Another example is from a bank manager who said during an intake interview: ‘During a workshop with colleagues in Spain I was the only one in the group that the Eagle flew to under supervision. To no one else, only to me. Apparently I had something special that the others did not have’. A perfect example of a masked spiritual ego. He used his spiritual experience to elevate himself above others. Just like some leaders who openly or secretly call themselves God’s chosen one.
Too much individual ego manifests itself directly when you simply want more for yourself or your ‘own’ people at the expense of others. And some ego systems feed this behavior.
And what about strengthening your own ego status and creating false prestige by, for example, wanting to be the greatest in the world. Although history has shown that this position is only temporary, many sitting government and religious leaders are seduced by their ego to want to be and remain the richest or most powerful. Or, to build the tallest building, as if they want to show who has the longest you-know-what.
That which plays out individually with you and all others as leaders, also plays out on a collective level. Because what is the most individual, is at the same time the most universal, and vice versa.
“The most individual, is the most universal, and vice versa”
Below you see a few examples of secret beliefs that can also manifest collectively as too much ego.
Individually too much ego & Collectively too much ego
Just think for example of putting ‘my own football team’ above all others. If you attach a lot of importance to that, it can lead to war in and outside the stadium.
And how wonderful would it be if leaders of countries would step out of their collective ego-identification and go from: ‘Make America Great Again’, to: ‘Make the World Great Again’.
But what else do some leaders encourage to increase inequality? How about making the rich richer, and making the poor, who suffer from famines and the likes, poorer, for example. “I’m providing my people with vaccination against Covid first.” “My own people at the expense of others.” Even if that appears to necessitate expansion of your own power through constitutional amendments, or illegally expanding your territory and engaging in ‘land grabs’. Just look at what is currently happening with Russia and Ukraine, the USA and Greenland, China and Taiwan, or Israel and Palestine. Leaders who completely ignore other peoples’ right to exist and their sovereignty. An over-the-top ego.
It turned out that my client's mother had suffered rejection in the past from her own mother, who frequently called her names while sparing her brother. This exclusion cut through her soul and for her it was normal that distinctions had to be made. So she unconsciously passed this on to her own daughters like a relay baton. If this mother had really done her inner work to effectively process this soul pain, then that would starve the emotional need to pass this on, as a leader, to her own daughters. Many leaders with runaway egos have often suffered soul wounds in their lives that have remained unprocessed. And, unfortunately, quite a few current government leaders are allowing themselves to be influenced too strongly by painful wounds from nations’ history shared with other peoples.
We can also speak of collective soul pain, such as the soul pain of an organization, or the soul pain of a people that has suffered wounds over time. Because in every soul there is
historical baggage that is deeply anchored in the heart. Both joyful and traumatic events. And before you know it new soul pain merges with old soul pain and brings back unforgivable memories in milliseconds. This also happens in nations and peoples.
Like the Hamas attack on Israel. The right to exist as an Israeli people was deeply stirred. And before you know it, as the leader of their people, they take revenge on what is happening to them. This happens with an emotional charge and ferocity with which they also become guilty themselves of perpetrating war crimes, causing countless Palestinian victims. In essence, They are then doing the same thing to others that has happened to them when they were the victims in the past. Unprocessed collective soul pain then leads to destructive behavior that they decide on as the leader of their people. And so, as a leader, they maintain the ego-perpetrator-victim cycle. In doing so, they do not solve the collective trauma of the people, but rather strengthen it. In essence, they then build up a collective karma as a people or nation. In addition to revenge, they then go a step further and claim even more land at the expense of another people
This is quite different from the significant Bible story about the Good Samaritan, in which the 'enemy' helps their 'enemy'. What is happening now is a perfect example of heartless leadership. And not
And that does not require heartless leadership, but connecting leadership that can bring people together again. But how do we get there and what can you do as a leader in this?
both in small and large circles.
That requires us to go back to the source of our existence and shape new leadership from there. Because, how are we essentially connected to each other? And where did we all actually come from?
In essence we are all equal, we are all people who want to live in peace. With respect and tolerance for each other’s unique differences, in peaceful coexistence with everyone. With enough food, drink, shelter and equal rights for everyone.
But history has seen growing populations on earth over the centuries and millennia, with increasing diversification. The (too strong) ego identifications and focus on differences with others has led to greater polarization between people and nations. And that requires looking at it from a higher perspective. Just like when you zoom out and look at the earth, what do you see? Many astronauts see a beautiful blue ball without borders and often return to earth with a new consciousness that has touched them to their very soul. With more care for a sustainable earth where we are temporary guests, as well as care for limitless connection with each other in peace.
“If you zoom out, you see more of the whole”
This is not an exhaustive list, but I am convinced that if you engage in a few of these aspects of ‘spirited’ leadership, as a leader you will actually contribute more to a better world. On a small or large scale. In your family, organization or country.
Leaders who lead from "spirit" contribute to a better world. This includes:
No. If you take these steps as a leader, that is no guarantee for success. Because some people cannot (yet) provide harmony even if you invite them as a leader. Why? Because the people you lead may themselves be struggling with too big of an ego and/or unresolved soul pain. For example, they do not want to sacrifice their privileges (economically), or they do not want to bring the whole truth to light, they may be full of negative judgments about others in their heads and engage in opponent stigmatization. Or, they do not want to give up their built-up prestige, or yearn for more fame, power, material and territorial expansion.
Or, they have not gathered enough courage to heal their own unprocessed soul pain.
They choose to live from (apparent) strength and comfort and sweep their vulnerability under the rug. They then continue to live in their own pain that they justify and allow to exist, and repeat their own history of discontent, polarization or separation.
As a leader, do not be discouraged. You are not obliged to sacrifice your peace or peaceful intentions for people who are at war with themselves. And be aware that you do touch people with your connecting leadership.
Leaders have the potential to create a better world, but this requires self-reflection, humility and the willingness to transcend ego identifications. By leading from "spirit", you can contribute as a leader to a world in which peace, equality and sustainability are central. Both in small and large circles. And that is more than worth it.
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Health is a privilege. Good luck and bad luck come our way in life. But I sincerely hope that you can make peace with both of them and 2025 will be a year in which you are satisfied. Kind regards, Martin
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Find a good and experienced team coach.These are recent experiences with me as a team coach:
PROFESSIONALS UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM, HOUSING & DEVELOPMENT DEPARTMENT:
· The atmosphere in the department has improved. In my opinion, the sentiments that exist have been carefully listened to.
· Concrete points emerged that I can immediately apply in my projects.
· Well prepared and good balance between practice and theory.
· Mutual communication has improved after the process.
· Colleagues talked about it.
PROFESSIONALS MUNICIPALITY/WORK ORGANIZATION DE BUCH, YOUTH TEAM:
· Connection within the entire team was strong and reflection on yourself and the team
· Clear theoretical explanation. I found it a very enlightening process.
BEHAVIORAL EXPERTS MUNICIPALITY/WORKING ORGANIZATION DE BUCH, YOUTH TEAM:
· Customized program. Sufficient depth, room for everyone's questions and respectful. Thank you very much! It was very helpful. Nice and clear guidance. Space to discuss tough things with each other.
· The connection with my direct colleagues has been strengthened and feels good, gives energy and provides more job satisfaction
With over 30 years of experience in guiding teams/departments, I may also be of Is this something for you? https://martinthoolen.com/en/service/teamcoaching/
Then you can always call, app or email me for a no-obligation introduction: 06 -1562 0111; [email protected].
JOB MARKET SA. OCTOBER 12, 2024. Organized by the entrepreneurs' association of the Municipality of Nieuwkoop in collaboration with the municipality and Rijnvicus. What a lot of activity in my own hometown. Glad to have been able to contribute to the job market of the municipality of Nieuwkoop. What a lot of potential from employers and employees who can find each other even better. Thanks for all the nice contacts. Want to know how to increase the match between employers and employees? Feel free to ask for a no-obligation consultation: [email protected] or call/app: 06 – 1562 0111.
