“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making darkness conscious”.
(C.G. Jung)
This article is an invitation to shed some light on our own shadow-sides as a coach or facilitator. If we have the courage to explore this within ourselves, our facilitation craft and impact on customer will increase for the better.
Talents, competences and sides that live in the shadow of our ego are known as ‘treasures in the shadow’. For example, there are ego sides, such as the instinctive, manipulative or patriarchal side. These are sides that we may prefer not to have and that we easily condemn in others. For instance, it is difficult to remain neutral towards an angry client if we do not know or even acknowledge our own anger. Before you know it, you are thinking: ok, losing your job is really tough, but they don’t have to scream like this? Or imagine that you are a coach who really hates manipulation and regards integrity as paramount. You will experience a customer who always presents soppy excuses for why he never carries out his assignments as a major challenge.
But there is also treasure buried within our soul. We love passion and drive, but we prefer to avoid spiritual pain. Because who wants pain? So we push it away (unnoticed). And at a certain point you no longer even know that it exists. Until the calling of our soul becomes louder and incessant.
Career coach John started to feel increasingly irritated by clients telling him about their trip around the world in great detail. ‘I would like to do that, but I cannot just leave my work. And my work is fantastic.’ And then I had a client telling me about their fantastic world trip for the third time. “What riches, wonderful”, said John to the client. But there was a storm raging within John that would not abate. After three mirrors presented by clients he could no longer repress his intense desire for new adventures. He shared this desire at his place of work and six months later the time arrived – three months unpaid leave in America.
We are ashamed of our shadow sides, we are afraid of them or are just ignorant of their existence. For example, we don’t want to gain a reputation as a coach who is angry or dominant. Wouldn’t that be a direct threat to our image? Our ego prefers to receive appreciation or approval. It wants to belong and be found special. So we bury anger or dominance and, unfortunately, also fail to utilise their strength. We do not dare to set boundaries, say valuable but unpopular things or take sufficient space. That is a shame! In my first book 'Wealth for free!' you'll see how these motivators can hold you captive and how you can release the wealth in these hidden treasures in more detail.Imagine that you frequently run fifteen minutes over time with your clients. ´Why do I do that actually?´, you may ask yourself. ‘Otherwise they might think that I watch the clock and they might like me less.’ The next reflection may be: What would be so bad about that? ‘Then they might take me less seriously, they may prefer to go to a different coach who gives more time and attention. And who would I be if clients can find me nice and less nice? Well, actually I find it more important that my process is really useful to them, not whether they like me.’ Then you no longer have to fish for appreciation from your client. That creates clarity and air, and saves you time.
And then something about soul pain. This is often absolutely not the favourite subject of career coaches. We are afraid of facing our own, deep wounds, think that the pit is too deep or fear that the pit is only filled with misery. So we prefer to keep a lid on it and lose contact with our vulnerability. Precisely while we want to coach our clients with heart and soul, and devote attention to strength and and vulnerability.
Janet told her coach, Joy, with absolute conviction: ”It is nothing for me, this job, I just don’t belong in an office.” She had been a senior consultant for many years, her colleagues were happy with her, but she drove home with an increasingly empty gaze. Her soul longed for something else. To which Joy said: “It’s nice that they are so satisfied with you, maybe it is temporary and you can change something in your work.” Janet exploded: “I said that I am totally sick of it! You are like my partner, he tries to minimise it as well.” What was going on here?
In a coaching session with us Joy discovered what was eating at her: she had to accept an increasing work load and space for creativity was decreasing. She was unable to coach her client effectively because Joy suppressed her own dissatisfaction, precisely as her client expressed dissatisfaction.
You can coach your client as far as to where you are, so there is every reason to occasionally take a look at your own soul pain.
If we coaches shine a light on our shadow side we release new strength, energy and talents for ourselves. And with this we also give our clients a chance to transform their shadow sides.
If we know our strategic side it is easier for us to coach clients in relation to strategic choices. Integrity was paramount for coach John. He was averse to manipulation and he thought that strategy was a dirty word. Until he discovered that he also occasionally used manipulations such as small lies in order to prompt a positive outcome. Or that he would flatter people in order to get something done. He looked right into his own shadow with blushing cheeks. After acknowledging this he moderated his judgement and saw that strategy can help you to achieve your goals. When a HRM manager asked him whether his coachee was suitable for his job he realised that he was being manipulated and was able to calmly reply: ”I cannot give you any information about that.” You also dare to occupy more space and your judgement of self-promoters is far less harsh when you integrate your patriarchal side. And when we have given our anger a space we are better able to understand it and coach it in clients.
In a world where performance and success are paramount a great many people seek healing in mindfulness, yoga or meditation. If that or something else helps, that is fantastic. And how wonderful would it be if we coaches give the being side dagelijks more space every day. Then there is a healthy balance between effort and relaxation and we stay healthy. And if we also use our being side more, in addition to the performance side, our interventions are more effective.
Career coach Angelique wants to get results fast in a maximum of four coaching sessions and deliver top quality. She is frequently impatient if clients do not hurry up. For example, she said to client Peter: “Great, two network meetings, but I think that you could have done five in the last two weeks.” Peter increasingly feels that he is not doing it right and his self confidence decreases. During our coaching sessions Angelique discovers that she is too pushy and that she is unwittingly discouraging Peter. When she used her being sideshe could be a little more relaxed, and this prompted Peter to act independently. Networking became a piece of cake.
“If you know the sound of your soul you can also hear the sound of your client’s soul”
we allow our soul to cry once in a while, we automatically give our clients permission to do the same. Soul recognition of your client can bring enormous relief and release new energy, whether a client has been bullied, has never really dared to pursue their desire or has always felt ignored. Like Enzo, a sad figure. His father was addicted to alcohol, his parents had divorced when he was six and he felt ignored by his father. He had suppressed the pain that this caused for years. When he turned forty he realised that he looked for the appreciation that he had not received from his father from his colleagues and manager. Begging for that appreciation he worked a lot of overtime, was always ready to help others and was temporarily happy with compliments. But the secret desire for appreciation kept rearing its head. When Enzo fully accepted this, the tears flowed and the healing came. Now he could start to see himself more, appreciate himself more and make career choices based on his own compass.
See if you can regularly turn towards instead of against the shadow sides of your ego and soul. Accept the temporary discomfort and treat yourself and your client to the strength, energy and talents of shadow sides. Not only you, but also your clients will experience new wealth. What a gift!
Martin J.M. Thoolen MSc. and Wendy Y. Hobbelink MSc.
Originally published in Career Vision (DutchMagazine, August 2016)
Literature
You need ego to set limits effectively, but it also can facilitation as a coach or trainer. The magic of true connection and unlimited potential. is to be found beyond your ego as a facilitator. Do you need to set boundaries with your client? When do limits help or block you? Do you really want to inspire and move your customer? Discover a neverending potential that opens up a new world for you and your customer.
Gezonde grenzen heb je nodig om als begeleider optimaal werk te leveren. Wat gebeurt er als je geen grenzen stelt? Dan geef je ongemerkt meer dan je eigenlijk wilt of goed voor je is. Je kunt dan bakken energie verliezen en ‘s avonds jezelf zomaar lusteloos op de bank aantreffen. Heldere grenzen betekent dat je oog hebt en houdt voor je eigen energiehuishouding. Dat je grenzen stelt aan intense, langdurige inspanning en zorgt voor voldoende ontspanning, afwisseling, reflectie en inspiratie.
Je neemt bijvoorbeeld pauze-momenten tussen gesprekken, zodat je het vorige gesprek loslaat, even aanrommelt en je voorbereidt op een volgende afspraak. Juist in ‘rommeltijd’ laad je je batterij op, waarna je weer met volle aandacht aanwezig bent bij je volgende activiteit. Grenzen zijn ook nodig om niet te verzanden in een positief of negatief bondje met je klant of opdrachtgever. Anders worden je houding en interventies veelal gekleurd door voor- en afkeur. Als je als begeleider door hebt dat je bijvoorbeeld smult van complimenten of baalt van kritiek, glimlach dan in jezelf en bewaak je neutraliteit. Dan behoud je je helderheid en compassie- volle confrontatiekracht.
A healthy portion of ego enables you to manage your time, take good care of your personal energy and maintain appropriate distance. You have to live your entire life with yourself, so create clear boundaries.
However, if your ego takes over, excessively stringent boundaries can become concrete walls that obstruct real contact with your customers. A dominant ego can also mean that you secretly feel slightly superior to your customer. You then approach them on the basis of identification with your expertise, experience and qualifications and take a (slightly) superior attitude to your customers. You think you know what is good for them. Before you know it your customer will be following a course set by your compass, while your wish is for them to learn to use their own compass.
An ego coup can also be created when you become trapped in judgments and stories about your customer, such as ‘my customer is so slow, he is so inside his own head’. You start the next discussion in a positive mood but still find proof of your own stories again. Your irritation grows and you allow yourself to be restricted by judgments and stories in your own head. So who is in his head now?
It happens to the best facilitators once in a while. If your ego takes the lead unnoticed you become mentally restricted and put yourself in a prison of your own making. The key is hanging on the inside of the door, but you just cannot see it. This requires a dialogue with your ego. Otherwise your ego will conduct a monologue with you.
If you are not aware of your own ego while you facilitate you will remain superficial with your customer, while your customer may benefit more from deepening. Fortunately, we are more than just a collection of ego patterns. Besides ego, we recognise two other dimensions that can enrich you and your customers.
If you really want to reach your customers, so that their motivation comes from within, something else is required from us as facilitators. Beyond the boundaries of the ego you can discover the land of the soul. Every soul, so also your customer’s, wants a right to exist. If you acknowledge your own soul, with feelings, talents, strength and vulnerability, then your customer will also feel permitted to experience this in themselves. You create an energy field, as it were, with space for deepening, authenticity and amazement in which customers are more willing to share their heart and soul and the effect of your facilitation will be deepening and long-lasting.
How can you make more room for passion? Study what really gives your customer enjoyment and energy, what their original talents are and what they are ‘just good at’. For example, a purchasing manager was given the opportunity to temporarily replace a senior purchaser. She fervently brought in major customers and signed important contracts, and her manager promised her a promotion. When her colleague returned she had to move back to her former position, was not promoted and felt very despondent. With a passionate vision as a compass she looked beyond the borders of her organization and found an appropriate job as a purchaser at a different company. Within a year she was promoted, became manager of a number of countries in Europe and, moreover, won a prize as the best purchaser.
Room for the soul means that you also devote attention to hidden pain. This is not the same as giving well intentioned advice to motivate your customer while you skim over the pain. It can really hurt to lose your job or project, even though people may not always show it. In addition, new loss can touch old loss. Pay attention to emotions and thoughts, introduce silences and give sincere emotional reflections that make your customer feel validated and that you can share their emotional life. Occasionally share something of your own vulnerability, which lowers the threshold for your customer to do the same. Give old pain the opportunity to evaporate, so that new energy can be released. Your customer will then start to move on the basis on an inner desire.
However valuable ego and passion are, there is nevertheless a snag. Just as your ego can take the upper hand, you can also get wrapped up in your own passion. For example, if you enthusiastically use a method to work with your customer, but this is not working for them, you are forgetting to distinguish between person and method.
There is a third dimension that can provide a world of new possibilities. We call this spirit or clear perception. You see yourself at a distance, as it were, which enables you to detect whether your ego is dominant or you are wrapped up in passion at an earlier stage. Facilitation based on this dimension is clear, free of value judgments and compassionate. You are using a different resource, which creates new perspectives, experiences and choices.
If spirit participates in your facilitation, you are clearly present in the here and now. This means that you do not think about what has happened or will happen on that day. So you may have an idea or a plan for your customer, but can deviate from it if something else is needed in the here and now. For example, your customer says that he knows what he wants, while your intuition tells you that this may not be the case. By clearly taking your own signals seriously you invite your customer to study what he actually wants in reality.
Imagine that you are an astronaut in space, looking at the earth. Borders soon fade, and you soon see the big picture. If you, as a facilitator, look ‘from space’ then you see your customer beyond the boundary, as a separate individual. With an astronaut’s eye view you study what contribution your customer wants to make to the process as a whole. For some this is a contribution to a team or organization, and for others it is a sustainable world. As a facilitator, you also not only pay attention to their (desired) work situation, but also to its effect on the home front or on the surroundings.
Spirit is a dimension that has no boundaries. Then you realize that there is essentially no difference between you and the customer. As the Mayas greeted each other withInlakeshOr: ‘you are another me, I am another you’. Everything that you see or experience in the customer is also partially in you. As soon as you realize this you approach the customer from a position of equality, compassion and respect.
Based on the idea that everything is connected to everything you encourage your customer to be alert to parallel events that may be significant. When a consultant said that it really was time to find a job outside his organisation there was suddenly a window cleaner washing the dirty windows of his study.
If everything is connected to everything there may also be fewer borders between our daytime and ‘dream life’ than we sometimes assume. A manager was well known as someone who could be a bull in a china shop. He shared a dream about soft pink roses, which he found strange at first. By sketching the flowers he discovered that, besides his strength, it was time to give his vulnerability more space. A few days later a sudden gust of wind showered him with pink flower petals as he was crossing a square. He was touched. Softness had literally ‘blown’ over him, and had also touched him inside. With a clear, open view you can facilitate with space for surprise and amazement. You are, in fact, utilizing a different resource (spirit), which enables you to spontaneously gain insights and see new relationships on the basis of connection. Your intervention strength expands. You create a space for your customer in which they can gain fresh insights, have fascinating experiences and take new, clear choices.
Pioneering facilitation is something that you can easily find within yourself. We believe that it originates when you plug into the riches of your ego, soul and clear perception. When you are aware of these dimensions you create an energy field in which your customers can (re)discover their own answers. Check what resource you are using from time to time. Use your ego for purposes including setting healthy boundaries. Check whether your ego is taking over once in a while. For example, if you feel superior or inferior, invent stories about your customer or repress vulnerability. Make space for the soul by acknowledging individuality, soul passion or pain. Observe yourself regularly using the astronaut’s eye view, so that you can channel your ego and give your soul some space. Give your customer your sincere attention, compassion and attention to the here and now.
Give yourself a regular inner update. Then you broaden your own horizons and a gradual shift starts towards more depth, authenticity and real connection with your customers. If you perform your work as a facilitator with a controlled ego and on the basis of passion and clear perception you are contributing to a world that has a place not only for ego, but also for authenticity and real connection.
© 2014 Martin Thoolen & Wendy Hobbelink
Verschenen in: Loopbaan Visie (Januari 2014)
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